Lads night out at 3 months old

As a society we have fetishised parenthood into this Herculean almost impossible task at which all our resources must be aimed.

Yep. It's tough (I found broken nights the worst) but for a while, I simply haven't been able to get my head round some of the comments on threads like this one.

The baby's three months old, not three weeks. Most couples are returning to at least a semblance of their work and social responsibilities. Both my best mum friends at that stage had DH's who were travelling abroad on business well before that point, and I had two other friends who were single parents. Yes, I felt lucky, but I certainly wasn't feeling that I needed my DH to be hand holding me constantly.

I wouldn’t have an issue with this at all. It’s one night. I went away for a night for my 31st birthday when my youngest was 3 months old 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well none of those replies would have been from me or quite a few others on this thread who have said there's nothing wrong with either parent reclaiming a bit if their adult, non parenting life once in a while. MN is not a hive mind, or automatically riven with "double standards", "cool wives" or "martyrs" . Much depends on precise wording, circumstances etc. I'd say bloody good on you so long as the baby was well cared for .. possibly by a grandparent even.

OP if you posted on here and said you are going away for 2 days/1 night to get fucked with your girlfriends leaving a newborn behind and your DH was outraged because you didn't even consider him, you'd be labeled a neglectful mother.

I posted under a different name about leaving my baby when he's 2 with his nanny and grandparents for a long weekend and I got 300 replies, 90% of which said it's a neglectful thing to do to a toddler and how they couldn't imagine leaving their child for the night. LOL.

It's ONE night not a whole weekend. Ridiculous.

Specifically at a time when your partner is really struggling?*

@FoodAppropriation there's a big difference between going out and an actual night away.

3 months is tiny. You can't cope without a wild weekend away for a few months?

What exactly makes a man more deserving of a night out than a woman?
nothing? Who said the mum wasn't allowed to have a night out too? Just not at the same time.

Why can't he wait to go away in 9 months time
huh? because why on earth would he? or she?

That baby and mum's sanity and health take priority in these early days.
it probably wouldn't hurt mum to get out a bit, or at least to sleep.

Since when are parents supposed to wait an entire year to get out of the house? 😂

WTF? Bitter? No, grateful that I have a good husband who wouldn't have left my side at a really really difficult time.

What exactly makes a man more deserving of a night out than a woman?

Why can't he wait to go away in 9 months time, when baby is 1, on solids, and sleeping much better? What life changing experience is he missing out on?

3 months is very much in the trenches. Lads holidays can wait. They had a baby together. That baby and mum's sanity and health take priority in these early days.

OP I think what you may be baulking at is that you’ve realised you have become the default parent in your DH’s eyes. He can do as he pleases because you are there to look after DC and that is your role. His life changes comparatively little because he picks and chooses what’s his to do and you fill all the gaps. You, on the other hand, probably check and double check with DH if you are considering doing anything without the baby, especially anything that is just for you rather than some household thing like food shopping.

If I’m right about this, YANBU, it is a trap many (probably most) parents fall into and don’t always get out of. Sometimes women fall into it in a way that suits them well enough, but often not. And sometimes women drive the dynamic by being controlling about how their DH parents (difficult balance because some men do not do what they need to). It is the cause of a lot of marital stress and, I believe, often underpins divorce that comes years later.

I don’t know how it is best to tackle it, but I think doing so sooner rather than later makes it much easier. IMO making sure you take plenty of time out for yourself, including overnight if you aren’t breastfeeding, so that your DH builds his competence dealing with DC at the same rate you do is important. But don’t forget getting a babysitter somehow and having time together as a couple - also vital to keeping things on track in the non-parenting aspects of your relationship. And a candid chat about expectations over who des what and what will be happening as the baby gets older would probably help with setting expectations and getting you both to understand each other’s perspective.

the OP asked a question, people replied. What else do you want us to do?

Did you read the post I am replying to? Completely unreasonable doesn't cover it.

Let him go, he will resent you and the baby if he cannot go out for 1 night. It’s not the end of the world.

YABVU. It’s one night. I hope he has a good night.

Why don't posters realise that THEIR anecdotes are completely unhelpful to this woman? She doesn't give a shit what YOU did with your first DS 🙄. Everyone experiences the post partum period differently.

She has had a really hard time and you're calling her a martyr...wow solidarity....

I went out for my 28th bday when my daughter was 3 months. She was exclusively breast fed and I eagerly built up a bank of breast milk for the occasion for my mum to give her. I see this is for a friend’s bday, I wouldn’t mind only if I also could go out and he’d be happy to take the reins.

Its a thread about a woman who is already doing more than her fair share says who? You?

The OP is asking if it's unreasonable to expect her DH to say no and stay home. The answer is yes, it is unreasonable. The man has been out once since the birth if I read that correctly.

Is the OP unreasonable to dismiss the birthday because for her it doesn't matter? Yes.

She asked, we replied.

And the reason why she is unreasonable is because they should take turn. I did say that the DH should not assume the mum would be available to look after the baby, when you have a child, you ASK if the other is there that night before planning something - meaning mum or dad can equally make plans.

There is no need for you to defend the rights of both parents to go out, because this isn't a thread about both parents going out with the other happily covering for them. Its a thread about a woman who is already doing more than her fair share, going through a particularly difficult stage, and a man who has announced he's going out and leaving her to it. It's that that needs defending, not a theoretical scenario where both are perfectly happy taking turns.

Pretty sure being sleep deprived doesn't qualify as "healthy" and 2 sleep deprived parents are not in the best interest of anyone.

You are the one turning into a "shaming women" argument. I am defending the right for BOTH parents to have a full night sleep and/or (not at the same time) a night or evening out with friends.

It's sad that it's usually women who martyr themselves and pretend the baby could not possibly cope without them, and because they don't WANT to get out, neither should their partner.

You're basically saying If you're not happy to get up several times a night and do all the childcare the next day so your partner can go out drinking
I am not saying that, you are, but a PARENT (male or female) should be able to handle a baby alone to give a rest to the other, yes. (breastfeeding issues aside, obviously).

I know on MN posters do need 2 parents to do bath time for a toddler, it's not something I've ever seen in real life though.

Which is just trying to shame women into not objecting to men leaving them to it. I am shaming any parent objecting to the other leaving them to it. Dads should be as involved and able as mums, even if the full-time worker obviously has a different schedule than the one on maternity leave.

Allowed*

He is aloud to celebrate a birthday without your permission and he is aloud to leave the house with out your permission time to be an adult and step into reality stop playing at mummies and daddies

“If you can't be on " double duty" (meaning normal duty) for a couple of days, you really shouldn't have a baby.”

What a helpful comment!

There go OP! Your problems have been solved. You just need to either find a Time Machine and not get pregnant or give the baby up for adoption ☺️

You are confusing your own preferences with what is 'normal' and 'healthy'. A situation can only ever be healthy if both parties agree and are happy. Which is not the case here.
You are also confusing 'CAN'T manage for a couple of days' with 'why should you have to manage for a couple of days' which is exactly the technique I was describing that is used to manipulate women into doing without as much support as they would like.
You're basically saying If you're not happy to get up several times a night and do all the childcare the next day so your partner can go out drinking, you're a rubbish mum who shouldn't have had a baby. Which is just trying to shame women into not objecting to men leaving them to it.