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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want to host DH's friend on my own?

135 replies

VitaSays · 04/06/2025 23:16

Several weeks ago DH invited a friend of his from out of the area to come and stay for a long weekend so that they could go together to some local rock-climbing and hiking events. These activities are something they both enjoy. I've met the friend briefly once before and he seems okay, but he was very quiet with me and noticeably more comfortable talking to other men. DH's set-up suited me: they'd be out for much of the day and I wasn't required to assume much of the social burden of entertaining.

Now, DH has been asked to attend a conference that will take place over two of the four days his friend is due to be here. DH doesn't actually need to go but wants to because of the professional contacts he'll be able to make. We've had a falling out because he's assumed that I'll be fine hosting his acquaintance on my own. He's all 'He'll be fine, he'll just go off every day and do his own thing. You'll barely notice he's here.'

Even if he does go out during the day, I'm going to have to spend evenings with him and I really don't want the pressure. Having someone here one-to-one is so much more intense than sharing the burden with DH.

DH has stomped off to bed accusing me of being unreasonable and saying that this guy has been looking forward to this weekend for months and that I'm ruining everything and that I'm getting incredibly unsociable. I think that's partly true: I'm getting older and I'm more fussy about who I put myself out for. We have great friends who are always a joy to see, but I don't think this man is ever going to be one of those. AIBU?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 05/06/2025 08:25

Seems like quite a lot of fuss over not very much. It's a couple of evenings where you have to make a bit of conversation for a couple of hours.

whitewineandsun · 05/06/2025 08:25

Good point about the friend possibly not loving this idea, either. Your husband needs to tell him so he can make a decision.

Createausername1970 · 05/06/2025 08:24

If you don't want to, then that's fine.

From your update it sounds like he would be using your place as a base, rather than be sitting around all day

It probably wouldn't worry me. I would say to DH his friend is still ok to come, but I had provisionally arranged to meet up with my friends that weekend (even if I hadn't, I would still say this) so check that his friend is happy to fend for himself in the evening.

But if you aren't keen on him being there at all, then that is fine.

BuckChuckets · 05/06/2025 08:22

You're definitely NOT being unreasonable! I'd be pissed off if I were you and pissed off I were the friend. Either your DH reschedules the friend's visit or he stays at home to host.

SamDeanCas · 05/06/2025 08:19

I love the way your DH has said YOU have ruined everything, but HE’S the one who’s changed plans and caused this situation.

FOJN · 05/06/2025 08:18

Your husband is being a cheeky fucker. How is it your fault if the friend is disappointed, your husband moved the goal posts by deciding to attend a conference when he had arranged to have a guest staying. He wants to have his cake and eat it and you are expected to facilitate that.

Stand your ground and keep telling him no. Either he cancels his conference plans or reschedules his friends visit.

Sauvin · 05/06/2025 08:18

Totally unreasonable. I’m pretty sociable and like having people to stay but I would
refuse to do this. Your DH is being incredibly rude to his friend and incredibly rude to you by making it your fault.

whitewineandsun · 05/06/2025 08:17

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/06/2025 23:21

Absolutely no way are you being unreasonable or should you host this man. Unthinkable that your DH believes this is Ok

He either stays and hosts the friend himself, or rearranges the visit.

This! It's your husband that changed the setup. He fixes it. DO NOT let him guilt you into this. I'd be so mad.

Courgettezuchinni · 05/06/2025 08:15

His friend, his problem!

poetryandwine · 05/06/2025 08:12

Your update makes a difference, OP.

Still, YANBU. But it may well be that the club do drinks and a meal after climbing, and the friend really just needs a place to crash. Also, if he is quiet he may be shy and really just prefer to watch a film on his computer with a drink after a long day outdoors?

GAJLY · 05/06/2025 08:02

Surely he needs to rearrange it?! I wouldn't entertain a stranger for a few nights, that's so awkward! Even if he says it's too difficult to rearrange, he has to!!! Or he doesn't go to the conference!

Brooklyn70 · 05/06/2025 08:00

if it’s the evenings you feel would be hard work, can you arrange to go out with friends /go to your mum’s house?

apologize to the guy and say ‘sorry, i organised something thinking you and my husband would be hanging out together’

jeaux90 · 05/06/2025 08:00

Is the conference in an interesting city? Can the friend go with him, share the hotel room and explore the city in the day?

Puppydogtail · 05/06/2025 08:00

Would I hell do this!!

1apenny2apenny · 05/06/2025 07:59

No I would not do this and I would make it clear that once I’ve said ‘no’ the conversation is over. I would also not be suggesting alternatives eg friend finds a Airbnb, they are grown adults they can sort it. Seems to me your DH doesn’t want to look/feel bad in front of the friend so he’s blaming you when in fact he’s just doing what he wants and expecting you to do what he says. He sounds very self centred.

One thing I often do in these situations is would I expect/ask DH to do this for me? In situations like this the answer is normally no, so that gives me my answer when he asks.

MaryGreenhill · 05/06/2025 07:58

I'd be booking a weekend away for myself.

Kitkatfiend31 · 05/06/2025 07:58

Can't the friend just come for less time so only there when DH is? I can't imagine he is any more keen to socialise with a stranger than you are. Which does beg the question had DH told him?

Foreverm0re · 05/06/2025 07:55

Absolutely not. Why would he even think that’s acceptable?! I doubt the friend would even agree to that anyway, I would feel so awkward.

DrummingMousWife · 05/06/2025 07:52

Marmalady75 · 04/06/2025 23:22

So you are being unreasonable not wanting to host his friend solo, but he is perfectly reasonable pissing off for 2 days??? Right. I see. YANBU Your DH is completely unreasonable and he needs to give his head a wobble!

This.
what a cheek.

hattie43 · 05/06/2025 07:50

My thoughts are no you shouldn’t be expected to
host alone , I wouldn’t want to but it doesn’t sound as if the friend would want to either, after all it’s your husband he’s coming to see .

GabriellaMontez · 05/06/2025 07:48

Ha, what does he think you're his man servant!?

Newname71 · 05/06/2025 07:48

Why can’t DH just do one day of the conference as a compromise?
I don’t see why this should all fall on you!!

PashaMinaMio · 05/06/2025 07:46

Stompythedinosaur · 04/06/2025 23:18

I would rather stick a fork in my eye than host a stranger on my own.

Your dh needs to rearrange the dates his friend is coming!

This! ^
No way! This is an issue got your husband to sort out.
Stand your ground.

Mightyhike · 05/06/2025 07:46

Can you think of something you really want to do that would be a PITA for your DH?

QuickScroller · 05/06/2025 07:43

Sounds tough. Could you invite a friend round too for dinner so it’s a bit less awkward one of the nights?