AIBU to not want to host DH's friend on my own?

I wouldn't see this as hosting him. I'd see it as him using your place as a base for the events. He might have been back at yours only because your DH was and might now be thinking of having an evening in a pub etc. Where I'm from we tend to be hospitable, though. Also, we don't fo all this 'hosting' we have people stay and they take us as they find us and vice versa.

At the very least your DH should contact his friend and tell him his plans, he might be as uncomfortable as you and prefer to come just for the 2 days DH is at home. Your DHs the rude one, if he had to go to the conference that's different but it's his choice

I think you could do worse than show your DH this thread - the overwhelming 'no bloody way' vibe does at least give you the 'see, it's not just me' line.

Your DH seems very lacking in basic consideration of the fallout of decisions and choices he makes - you are his wife and an equal partner in your home and shared life and any decisions that involve those things. You are the not the bloody housekeeper!

He seems to want carte blanche to do as he pleases in all aspects - he's not even being fair to his friend here, buggering off for a 2 day conference even though friend's visit was already arranged. Is he generally this self centred and selfish?

DH needs to speak to friend, explain his choice re conference and give friend 2 choices, don't come at all or come but stay somewhere else.

And when that's sorted you and he can have much needed talk about selfishness and entitlement over consideration and respect.

Your DH should really tell his friend to arrive after his conference and visit for the 2 days instead of 4. Surely that solution would suit everyone. Perhaps the friend would actually prefer this if he knows your DH isn't around? I wonder if he'd be happy staying at yours when he hardly knows you.

Your dh is the one bailing on his friend

There is no way I'd want to have some bloke I barely knew staying in my house when I was alone there. And since it was just dumped on you OP, I'd be inclined to be away myself that weekend. Does he often do stuff like this?
(Taking you for granted then throwing massive strops when you don't go along with it, kind of stuff?)

This.100%

Jeez Louise

Your husband is a CF assuming your time is his to dictate.
Very rude of him.
I wouldn't dream of tolerating this and my husband wouldn't dream of doing it.

Even worse he has a strop when you say No.

YANBU. Dig your heels in.

I would think your husband behaviour is completely unacceptable.
Controlling and a bit bullying.
Put your foot down.
Is this part of a pattern?

If so, its not good. Time you got very upset.

No way. He makes you feel uncomfortable. If that’s not enough for DH then he’s an uncaring arsehole. Are there DC in the house too?

Obviously DH needs to not go to the conference. He's got a bloody nerve stomping off accusing you when this is entirely down to him doing as he pleases and expecting everyone else to fall in line. If his friend is looking forward to coming and the club has laid on all these special events, then clearly your DH needs to stay and host his friend and go to the events as planned, not try to have it all. There will be other conferences. He has plans. He should stick to them. YANBU.

Yes. Just say you're not comfortable with a stranger in your house for 2 days when DH isn't there. If he's that bothered about cancelling on his mate he should cancel his conference. It's just work. It can go ahead without him.

Just say that the friend needs to book into a hotel for the nights your DH is away.

It does seem like between the pair of you, you have rather forgotten the guest, who may have his own thoughts. Has anyone deigned to include him in the decision making, or was it just assumed by DH that he would not feel awkward without so much as a by your leave, and you just assumed that he wouldn’t pick up on your feelings and prefer to make his own choice/ arrangements.

Perhaps guest would prefer to arrive later/ leave earlier to avoid being around you. Perhaps he’d rather leave it until next time, perhaps he can now go out with others from the activity group, or visit relatives. Perhaps he’d rather do any of several options, if only one of you would stop being so bloody wet and actually talk.

So he thinks you're unreasonable not to host, but he isn't unreasonable in not hosting, despite him being the one to make these arrangements? Interesting 'logic' he's using there.

I am a curious sort so I would go along with it. I would feel a bit uncomfortable but in my head these type of situations can lead to unexpected friendships.

Putting myself in his shoes I would feel very uncomfortable if I picked up vibes that you are not comfortable. If he is still willing to visit he might be less socially awkward that you think.

In your shoes I would host because life throws these curve balls sometimes but good things can come from it.

Not your problem to resolve 🤷‍♀️

If DH isn’t there to host, then the friend doesn’t come. It’s as simple as that and DH needs to rearrange or not attend the conference.

I too am at the age where I cannot be bothered to give up my free time and labour to host people I’m not bothered about. Weekends are an important time to decompress and it doesn’t sound like it would be very relaxing to have your H’s friend there by himself.

No I would not do this. I would feel uncomfortable and that is something I am never willing to be made to feel in my own home. It gets rearranged or suddenly that’s the weekend you are away with friends!

DH has stomped off to bed accusing me of being unreasonable and saying that this guy has been looking forward to this weekend for months and that I'm ruining everything

He's the one changing the plans! If he's so worried about his friend, he needs to cancel the conference, not piss off to that because it sounds like a better offer.

I would be seriously pissed off with his attitude towards me just fixing his poor planning-is this heat you want for your future?

You don't need to pander to two men to save their feelings!

You're not ruining anything, that's on your DH.

He needs to either be there for his friend as arranged, or cancel his friend coming and take responsibility for the disappointment he thinks his friend is going to feel.

But also, this friend is an adult and arrangements change, both men need a dose of resilience.

This

His behaviour is disrespectful towards you. Better things to do would be to decline the conference or tell friend he’s chosen the conference, apologise and that unfortunately he can no longer stay.

YANBU.

DH is U getting pissy with you. This is his problem. It was his commitment to his friend, not yours. You’re not an extension of him, obligated to fulfil a commitment he doesn’t want to anymore.

Like DC are told, sometimes we need to choose between two or more things we’d like to do.