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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

653 replies

Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 20:42

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

OP posts:
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Beesandhoney123 · 04/06/2025 22:27

Can you speak to your manager at work and say you need to put a rush on your work visa? Or is there help at university?

As you know you want to leave, and hopefully will get this moving, suggest you protect yourself by going along with him. But in all honesty, you need to get your things and go. Keep your documents in a locker at the gym, like your passport.

I hope you are on the pill. You can also get help from the GP. Just pop along, register and ask advice. Your dh doesn't have to know.

It's not embarrassing you know. Your are not a lesser person or will end up alone - you are a catch- educated, travelled, and at 36, hardly expected not to have been in an ltr or married, and a decent man wouldn't even think of treating you like this.

viques · 04/06/2025 22:26

Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 21:56

I'm not, and I'm tied to him via a spouse VISA and leaving him would also mean leaving the UK which I don't want to at this point, unless I get a work VISA which I might be able to, I've only just arrived here three weeks ago and I was living in Germany for the most part of these last 7 years. It's mostly been a long distance marriage but whenever he'd visit there was at least one incidence of abuse per every other time he'd visit. I've been more or less single these last 7 years.

Also the good times with him are good, but the bad ones are really really bad.

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OP, please find a solicitor who is experienced in immigration . I believe that even on a spousal visa you might have grounds for applying to remain in the UK because you are in an abusive relationship, but I don’t know the ins and outs of this process so you do need to speak to someone who does.

Good luck. Is there also a chance you could get yourself some pregnancy protection, either the pill, an implant or the coil , because the last thing you need is a child with your abusive husband.

CaptainFuture · 04/06/2025 22:26

HoldmecloseTonyDanza · 04/06/2025 22:23

Your said you couldn't be bothered to even read OP's updates, so I stand by what I say & agree with PP!
Perhaps learn a lesson, and actually read threads in future.

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Oh don't be so sanctimonious.

beetr00 · 04/06/2025 22:26

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Please step back @MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble

Perhaps you're hurt?

This is not your thread though, is it?

Dizzyinheights · 04/06/2025 22:26

This reply has been deleted

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Ddakji didn’t quote you when they wrote that! Why are you making things up? What’s wrong with you?

godmum56 · 04/06/2025 22:25

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not sure that is justified.....I got it wrong removed my post and apologised.

RampantIvy · 04/06/2025 22:25

KimMumsnet · 04/06/2025 22:08

Evening, all. Please do read OP's updates before replying as she gives more context in her replies. Thanks.

Please can you post this at the top of the thread.

crumblingschools · 04/06/2025 22:24

@SheridansPortSalut its more than them be unsuited to each other, OP’s husband hits her

xPenelopePitstop · 04/06/2025 22:24

Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 22:15

I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone and I won't find anyone else decent. I've been so busy with my education and holding part time jobs to support myself through it that I haven't been able to make many friends. I've also moved quite a lot these past 7 years and lost whatever friends I had - I was on a mobility program and that meant I had to rotate every few months between three different labs in two different countries for my degree.

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@Zeemie22 You’re 36 - you have so much time to meet someone decent. I promise❤

Could you get back in touch with some of your friends? I’m sure they’d love to hear from you.

You’re obviously a determined and well travelled individual, and intelligent with a good degree. You have so much going for you.

I’m afraid this man has knocked all your confidence. He’s conditioned you into believing you’re not good enough for anyone. He’s conditioned you into believing you deserve to be hit, and spoken to in a horrible way.

Please seek out some real life support such as contacting WomensAid or reaching out to trusted family, colleagues, old friends. You need proper support around your.

Please believe that you are worth so much more than this horrible man.

HoldmecloseTonyDanza · 04/06/2025 22:23

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 04/06/2025 22:14

Especially on a thread like this???? That’s the whole point, it wasn’t a thread like this until later on. I put my hands up right at the start and said I had commented based on reading the first post only. Lots of people do it all over Mumsnet and while it absolutely might warrant an ‘FYI things have moved on’, I don’t think it deserves being told to go fuck myself…

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Your said you couldn't be bothered to even read OP's updates, so I stand by what I say & agree with PP!
Perhaps learn a lesson, and actually read threads in future.

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 04/06/2025 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EscargotChic · 04/06/2025 22:23

Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 21:18

Yes I think it is. I'm quite sick of being told what to do and expected to ask for permission for everything and not be included in family decisions as if I'm not part of the family or an inderior member of the 'pack' that is his brothers and his mum and him.

I've been wanting to join a gym for the last 6 months and he keeps saying he doesn't approve because 'how would I manage relationships and home if I were to go to the gym'. I've become overweight and I feel pretty unfit and he doesn't want me to go workout in a public gym. Two days ago I just left the house and said I'm going anyway and he hounded me for wearing gym leggings and a regular but not super loose workout t shirt with half sleeves - he said my clothes are too tight etc etc. I can't workout in loose sports clothing I get chafing everywhere. I can't wear an upper etc on top of my t shirt because I overheat, my body overheats a lot when I workout.

All the food that came through actually came in instalments anyway and it wasn't a case of everything getting delayed because of one extra order.

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Sweetheart, he hits you in the face and is controlling like this? I think you should take a deep breath and post a new thread on the Relationships board about the fact you’re in an abusive relationship. A thread that won’t get cluttered up with people’s views on interrupting phone conversations and ordering food in restaurants.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 04/06/2025 22:22

SheridansPortSalut · 04/06/2025 22:20

It doesn't really matter which of you is being unreasonable. The bottom line is that you're not suited to each other. Maybe it's the to call it a day and stop making each other miserable.

Jeez this board really does need a ‘banging head against wall’ emoji. Read the updates fgs

Rainbowqueeen · 04/06/2025 22:22

Op please reach out to the agencies already mentioned for support. There is a better life for you out there. But you will need support to get there. Wishing you all the best.

beetr00 · 04/06/2025 22:22

@SheridansPortSalut

have a re-read

eta; including updates from @Zeemie22 @KimMumsnet

SheridansPortSalut · 04/06/2025 22:20

It doesn't really matter which of you is being unreasonable. The bottom line is that you're not suited to each other. Maybe it's the to call it a day and stop making each other miserable.

beetr00 · 04/06/2025 22:20

Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 22:17

I honestly am OK with feedback - it's helpful to see different perspectives and I'm not here to get sympathy, I just want to know what others think and I don't mind criticism, it's a chance for me to balance my own perspective. I appreciate you thinking of me xx

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but some are only looking at half the story @Zeemie22

This is not about interrupting phone calls.

Your husband punches you in the face!!

scritter · 04/06/2025 22:20

SuperTrooper14 · 04/06/2025 22:16

That other poster was right about the sanctimony… We get it, you would never dream of answering an OP without reading every single comment first. Well done you. Bravo. Take a bow.

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Jesus. Save it. This is hardly the thread for a stupid scrap between posters.

Ddakji · 04/06/2025 22:20

Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 22:17

I honestly am OK with feedback - it's helpful to see different perspectives and I'm not here to get sympathy, I just want to know what others think and I don't mind criticism, it's a chance for me to balance my own perspective. I appreciate you thinking of me xx

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What anyone thinks about you regarding phone calls and restaurants is irrelevant to your real plight, which is that you are in a violent marriage.

Please do post again, in Relationships or South Asian MNers, with the details of your marriage.

I hope you can get the help and support you need.

Original poster
Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 22:19

HoldmecloseTonyDanza · 04/06/2025 22:07

Just wanted to highlight this for you in case you missed it. You don't have to stay with him!

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Thank you, I will have a read through this I've opened it in another tab 🙏

OP posts:
MummytoE · 04/06/2025 22:19

Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 22:06

I'm from Pakistan. I've had my higher education from the UK though. I got my Bachelor's and my Master's from here and went to Germany for my PhD.

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What incredible things you have achieved!! Well done you! You've worked too hard to be treated the way you are being right now. I think your husband is jealous of your achievements maybe and wants to prove he's is still in charge no matter what you have accomplished. I would get out of this marriage ASAP. Do you have anyone irl you could talk to

nomas · 04/06/2025 22:19

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 04/06/2025 22:14

Especially on a thread like this???? That’s the whole point, it wasn’t a thread like this until later on. I put my hands up right at the start and said I had commented based on reading the first post only. Lots of people do it all over Mumsnet and while it absolutely might warrant an ‘FYI things have moved on’, I don’t think it deserves being told to go fuck myself…

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No one has told you to fuck off or go fuck your self Confused

Why are you making this thread about you? Stop derailing.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/06/2025 22:19

Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 22:15

I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone and I won't find anyone else decent. I've been so busy with my education and holding part time jobs to support myself through it that I haven't been able to make many friends. I've also moved quite a lot these past 7 years and lost whatever friends I had - I was on a mobility program and that meant I had to rotate every few months between three different labs in two different countries for my degree.

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You haven't got someone decent right now!

You'd be better off long term single than with a man who hits you.

At least when you're single you're not being abused and you have the chance to meet someone else.

DreamingofTimbuktuagain · 04/06/2025 22:19

Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 22:15

I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone and I won't find anyone else decent. I've been so busy with my education and holding part time jobs to support myself through it that I haven't been able to make many friends. I've also moved quite a lot these past 7 years and lost whatever friends I had - I was on a mobility program and that meant I had to rotate every few months between three different labs in two different countries for my degree.

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@Zeemie22 kindly he isn’t decent . He hits you at the worst of times and is unpleasant to you at the best of
times. You can and will do better x