DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

It sounds horrible. What’s wrong if a place you’re all going to is being discussed, in interrupting with a suggestion? I’m sorry your do is not quite with it enough to be able to hear your suggestion and pass it along. I can do that, I bet you can do that, afaik most people can continue a phone conversation and understand “What about Alfonso’s?” coming in another ear from a person actually IN the same room as them.

I think your do sounds like horrible boor, his family are probably desperately embarrassed by his behaviour and wonder why on earth you put up with it.

You’re not with anyone decent at the moment.

The reason you don’t have friends is because of him.

After you have left him you will go out more, you will get back into your hobbies, you will go out with colleagues for after work drinks, you will eventually start dating.

After I turned 30 my boyfriend of 5+ years broke up with me and I thought I would never find anyone ever again. I dated a lot. I thought that I just wouldn’t find anyone. My self esteem was so low. Looking back on that time I was the one rejecting men.

You are a unicorn. You’re highly educated, you’re employed and you have no children. You are the sort of woman that men want to date and marry.

Your husband isn’t just abusive and a liar (I’m referencing the German police incident), he’s insecure and can’t even provide for you financially. He can’t afford for you to have a baby and he sure as $hit can’t buy you a house.

You married down when you should have married up. You need to think more highly of yourself.

This post isn’t about you talking when he’s on the phone and it’s not about him not allowing you to order at a restaurant. This post is about a man who is verbally, psychologically and physically abusive to you.

When I was at my wits end with my abusive partner I called lifeline and the person on the other end of the phone told me ”you’re smarter than this - you know what to do”.

So, I’m going to say to you:

You’re smarter than this - you know what you have to do.

He was setting you up.

He will do it again.

You earn your own money. You earn more than him. Please see a lawyer and leave earlier. You don’t need to wait 12 months. You have an employer- you are studying. In my country if you’re studying you can get a student visa and many people come to my country on this visa.

Please see a lawyer.

Please make sure you have birth control sorted.

Please leave him.

Why are you staying with him?

He’s a massive loser!

Why is it complicated?

You rent because your husband can’t work a normal job and earns less than you.

He treats you the way he does because he’s insecure.

Why would you be embarrassed? He is the one who should be embarrassed

Thanks, but I’ll decide when I reply,

OP, you sound great but seriously get away from this controlling and physically abusive man ASAP. You’re absolutely right about the fact that you should be “allowed” to order food, interject on a casual call, spend your own money, go to the gym, wear what you like etc. but hello this man hits you regularly so although this all adds up to a picture of coercive control and domestic abuse, it is surely clear to you that it’s not you causing relationship issues here, it’s him. It’s never going to suddenly get better and it often gets worse over time. I do understand it’s a much trickier situation legally for you compared to the average person if you’re here on a spousal visa so get some legal advice. PLEASE don’t delay too long on leaving, and definitely don’t risk a pregnancy with this man which is highly likely to escalate things.

As others have said, you may or may not meet the man of your dreams following a split but what is for sure is that this man is not the one, and it will likely only get harder to do this over time as you get older and potentially have kids and are more mentally beaten down by this relationship etc. I understand how important marriage is to women in your culture, but please give yourself the chance of a bright future whether single or with someone else. A male best friend is often a great option if romantic feelings have an opportunity to grow over time!… I was previously in an abusive marriage myself, it’s so hard to get out from domestic abuse and I sadly haven’t met anyone else as yet many years down the line from our split, however I haven’t given up hope yet. And although I dislike being single generally and yearn for a really satisfying and healthy relationship with a kind man, and being a single mother has been tough in many ways, I have such a peaceful relaxed home environment where I’m not walking on eggshells etc and I would a million times rather be on my own for the rest of my life than still be in the abusive marriage I was in.

Have just read the full thread and he sounds awful.

You guys get irritated very easily. That’s the problem. Her wanting to order something is not.

Oh my God, the phone thing would do my nut in! So you’re unreasonable for that. However he was extremely rude in the restaurant.

What a horrible story.
OP, you’re an intelligent and educated woman, and you now live in the UK, where the rule of law applies. You no longer need to stay with this pathetic man. Although, please tell us - would leaving put you in physical danger? Does your husband’s family have loss of face / family honour beliefs? If so, you’ll already know that you’ll need to leave without warning, then disappear and start a new life elsewhere.
For now, is your internet access secure?
For your future happiness please get out of this ridiculous marriage, and - with respect - ridiculous, backwards culture.
Find a man who sees an intelligent postgraduate-qualified woman as someone to be respected and cherished, not feared. You will find plenty to choose from 😉

You need control of your own life, and get out now. I know women who have resorted to women’s aid and are a lot happier now living where they cannot be found. You have a good career, you’ll be fine.

It’s not embarrassing. Pack your bags and leave. Do you have supportive friends/ familly?

You are very rude.

.

I'm impressed OP. I couldn't do what you have done. You're a strong woman. The only thing you lack is confidence because you got all the rest. Please start planning for your exit from this abusive marriage. Get your ducks in a row; hide money, document everything, talk to your employer etc. Your new life is waiting for you.❤️

Wait ... Just seen the later posts .. you are being abused. You need to formulate s plan to go ... Now! So sorry op

good idea re uni support services.. in your situation they may be able to help you find some accomodation in one of the residences for mature students. Students move around a lot and it would tide you over until you are back on your feet.

I just don't think it's the right time to let him know how I feel.

Don't tell him. Don't tell anyone. Not your family. Especially with the cult problems. It is unsafe - he is likely to hurt you or even worse. You need to survive this. Find somewhere to live, and go.

Bristol is a good city. Do you just need time to write up your PhD thesis, or are you attached to some lab/infrastructure where you are right now? Can you speak to your supervisor or uni support services and try to explain that you need to move for your safety? It'll be difficult, but hopefully your therapist can help you prepare?

wow, that’s one way to make excuses for an abusive man

Men can’t multitask so that’s justified the way he insults her with his family members on the phone or talks down at her in front of his mother who laughs, or justifies how he dictates what she eats while she has no say, or justifies how he demands she get approval before she spends her money but he refuses to tell her what he spends his money on, or oh is it the physical abuse that you’re justifying?

You’re being abused.

you make your own money. Leave him before you get pregnant. abuse escalates when a woman is pregnant, things will get a lot worse for you.

also FWIW on the phone thing- I think it’s really rude of him to yap away on his mobile in your presence instead of taking his apparently private call into another room.

my husband would never speak to me that way, even if I annoyed him. Nor I to him.

Please leave him. Please please please. Please.

And give a big bodycombat KIA!!! as you walk out.

I know how incredibly difficult it is to leave an abusive husband, but take it from me, once you're free from him, you'll get your life back. You should not live like this anymore. You deserve better, a lot better, and there is better out there. Please get away from him ASAP.