Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is very normal for a 3yo in this situation

92 replies

ARichtGoodDram · 04/06/2025 10:06

I'm being driven mad by a couple of well meaning, but I believe OTT relatives, and I've gone from being 100% confident to now wondering if I'm being lax in not being overly worried about this specific issue.

DN is 3.5. He's had a massive amount of upheaval in his life in the last 10 months.

His Mummy was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He went from 2 days at nursery to 5 days to allow her to have treatment and rest.

Then the relative who was going to be taking him in moved in with them. So that was a big change as it had always been just him and his mum.
Then after 8 weeks it wasn't working with relatives job so he and his Mum moved into relatives home.
Then shortly after that relative and his Mum accepted that it wasn't going to work. The relatives job and life just didn't work with a child and they couldn't cope. So he and his Mum went home.

After lots of discussions it was decided he would come to us. Initially his Mum didn't want that as we have 6 children (3 are adults) including one with high needs so, understandably, she was worried he wouldn't get what he needed.

He and Mum moved in with us for the last 8 weeks of Mum's life. He has been with us since, and will be staying (all official).

Annoyingly we had to change his nursery unexpectedly so that was another unforeseen big change.

The issue people are seeing is that he follows me around constantly. He hates if I go into a different room and he can't hear or see me. I deal with this by chatting to him constantly or singing. He will accept if we explain that I have to go somewhere without him, but is quiet/subdued until I return. He also sits very quietly at nursery when his key worker is on her breaks, but bounces back to enjoying nursery when she returns.

People are commenting on him being "fixated" on me and his key worker, whereas I think it's entirely normal that he's anxious when his primary carer is out of sight given everything he's been through.

He's having play therapy and I think that's entirely enough, but others think we should be organising more help. He's a wee boy who has had his entire wee life turned upside down and I think it's very natural that he'd worry I'll vanish one day too.

OP posts:
Original poster
ARichtGoodDram · 04/06/2025 11:53

Ponoka7 · 04/06/2025 10:16

It's a natural response. Will any of these relatives go and live with his Mum, so they can be together? That's the ideal, if not then they need to STFU. Are you facilitating lots of consistent contact with his Mum? Do it as SS would with a foster child. Children do better when it is the same time and length.

His mum is dead. She died after they came to stay with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
ARichtGoodDram · 04/06/2025 11:50

shallishanti · 04/06/2025 11:32

feeling quite angry on your behalf OP!

I do hope they aren't the sort of people who talk about mummy

sleeping
watching him from heaven
gone to a better place

No, thankfully his Mum was very firm when she was diagnosed and they've respected her wish that it never be described as sleeping or anything like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ARichtGoodDram · 04/06/2025 11:48

Thank you.

I was so sure that my instincts were right, but DH is away (that's routine with work and DN has a chart where we count the 5 nights and he's fine with that) and he's my sounding board so it started to niggle.

OP posts:
HappilyDivorced89 · 04/06/2025 11:48

Poor wee soul to go through all that at his age in such a short space of time!
This seems like a perfectly natural response to such a traumatic time for him. He needs stability and security and he's finding it in you and his key worker.
You're doing a brilliant job in making him feel safe and loved.

Hankunamatata · 04/06/2025 11:42

I think seeking advice yourself may help esp from adoption boards about any future difficulties that may raised their head - forewarned is forearmed.

mickandrorty · 04/06/2025 11:41

They are dicks! you sound like a wonderful human who is doing an amazing job!

dogcatkitten · 04/06/2025 11:40

You are right and they are idiots.

Antihistamine62 · 04/06/2025 11:36

Poor baby I’m glad he has you x

Hankunamatata · 04/06/2025 11:34

Totally normal op. His mum has gone from his life and he is probably terrified you will too. Hopefully your lovely big family can help him have the best life.

shallishanti · 04/06/2025 11:32

feeling quite angry on your behalf OP!

I do hope they aren't the sort of people who talk about mummy

sleeping
watching him from heaven
gone to a better place

shallishanti · 04/06/2025 11:29

hope by now OP you have regained your confidence in what you are doing, his behaviour is completely normal and you sound like you are doing a great job supporting him, are you going to be his permanent parent figure?

I think your problem really is these relatives- you say there are only a couple? I agree with PP who said, they don't like what he is doing be cause it makes them feel uncomfortable (possibly sad, guilty, angry)

Maybe you could be very direct with them?
'he is grieving because his mum died and he is only 3 so he doesn't understand what death is. So he needs a lot more reassurance than a child whose mother has not died. Please don't make him or me feel bad about his behaviour which is perfectly normal and a healthy stage of grief. Let's not talk about this again'

DontTouchRoach · 04/06/2025 11:28

It is absolutely 100% normal that a three-year-old whose mum has died would be very anxious about letting the person who cares for him out of his sight. If people can't understand why a three-year-old might be clingy after going through so much instability and loss, they must be devoid of empathy.

I'm sure he'll adapt with time and reassurance, and the play therapy is a great idea. You are doing an incredible thing by making him part of your family.

Elphamouche · 04/06/2025 11:20

You sound incredible, he’s doing amazing and acting appropriately given what he’s gone through!

You and his key worker are a safe space, in a very unsafe world!

nightmarepickle2025 · 04/06/2025 11:13

Just wanted to say well done OP, sounds like you are doing an amazing job under difficult circumstances. Sounds like the little lad is also being an absolute trooper, bless him.

LumpyMashedPotato · 04/06/2025 11:04

People are commenting on him being "fixated" on me and his key worker, whereas I think it's entirely normal that he's anxious when his primary carer is out of sight given everything he's been through.

What dicks! Of course he is fixated on you. His mother is gone. He cant even articulate himself fully.

Completely completely normal.
You also sounds amazing OP.
Hope he has a fab life with you.

Excited101 · 04/06/2025 10:50

Are you able to wear him in a carrier? I’d say he’d be massively benefitted by it. You’re doing the right thing, these other people have no idea about attachment issues.

middleagedandinarage · 04/06/2025 10:49

Heartbreaking! Good god they need to give the boy a break, I would think this is totally natural behaviour considering what he's been and going through. I think it's a good sign he's finding you and his key worker are such a comfort and safe space for him and I think you are doing a brilliant job to keep reassuring him of that. Huge admiration and respect for what you're doing OP

Peacepleaselouise · 04/06/2025 10:46

Oh poor boy, join therapeutic parenting Facebook group (set up by social worker and adoptive parent Sarah Naish).

He needs for his long term development to act like a much younger baby and be nurtured without judgement.

You need to summon your mama bear for this kiddo and tell relative you understand they care and are anxious, but you are his parent now and will be making decisions in his best interests.

feelingbleh · 04/06/2025 10:45

100% normal poor kid.

Chints · 04/06/2025 10:45

I would say also, arguably it is a healthy sign. If he were emotionally withdrawn or showing disinhibited engagement with others I would be far more worried.

Chints · 04/06/2025 10:41

You sound spot on to me. Go with it for as long as he needs.

Does your LA offer any training for kinship adopters? If so might be worth doing if only to bolster your defences. But from all you've said your instincts align with mine.

Lammveg · 04/06/2025 10:39

This is one of those things where the adults don't like seeing a child being upset, as it makes them uncomfortable.

OP, well done, you sound amazing x

nocoolnamesleft · 04/06/2025 10:35

Of course the poor kid is exhibiting separation anxiety. He lost his mum!

WaltzingWaters · 04/06/2025 10:33

Aww my heart breaks for him. I’m so glad he has you looking out for him.

But yes, it sounds entirely normal and expected for him to behave this way when he’s had his whole little life completely upturned. Ignore anyone who says otherwise, of course it will take him some time to feel secure and not be scared about more loved one disappearing given the heartbreaking circumstances.

TiredOctopus · 04/06/2025 10:33

Oh my. Poor little one. I'm not an expert but it sounds to me like you are doing everything right. He's having play therapy and it's possible more would just be too much. Of course he is clingy at the moment. Most adults don't go through what he's been through in such a short amount of time. And he's three, he can't reason and talk it through like an adult. Ignore those relatives, it sounds like he is loved and cared for. Tell them to bugger off.