Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bank of Mum and Dad and disrespect - request they finance their own.

258 replies

Mumofadultkid · 04/06/2025 00:45

Please bear with me there is a lot to this, and please be gentle with your comments - this has put me into a tailspin and I am crying every day.

We have helped our DD and her partner into a house, by releasing equity from our home and getting a revolving mortgage on their behalf. It was a significant amount and has put us years back in clearing our own mortgage. (We are fast approaching retirement!) They agreed to pay a certain amount each month to clear it, but they have defaulted on this 3 times already. The house is a movable house (not a caravan but movable) and is on our land. They use our services but only pay a small amount towards utilities such as electricity.

In the past, we have bought her two cars, one we agreed to pay for and the other we got the loan in our name for her to pay us back as she couldn't secure a loan at the time and I said its cheaper this way than paying all that interest. The second car loan, she paid a couple of payments, barely anything - then she started again with the attacks and said "it's all about the money with you", as a result of that - we said it's not about the money - keep the car! (On reflection, I now know this was the wrong thing to do)

She is always combative and looks for anything to have a go at us with, it really is anything - a post I may have put up, she interprets it as an attack on her, if I say something (even nothing to do with her) she interprets as an attack on her. If we don't respond in a way that she wants - "we were not excited enough", or we don't support her, or we are abusive, toxic narcissists. I noticed this as a young teen, where she claimed to her friends that a teacher had looked her up and down, funnily judging her outfit - she didn't! There was no looking up and down. The teacher said hi, Where are the others and that was it! Its been going on for years.

She can't maintain friendships, and has actually been quite nasty to some of them - pointing out "their toxic traits" - she has had three jobs never longer than a year, all of which have ended because she feels she is better than everyone, everyone is stupid and doesn't know what they are doing, and she is quite rightly (in her mind) pointing out everything that is wrong with the organisation to her managers!

She recently left her job to start her own business which is not going very well!

Her partner had a great job, but due to her "interference", he has had to move teams. She went in with him to "talk to his managers" because of "bullying behaviour from the team". It wasn't. The team he worked with was warning him because in a short space of time, he had moved in with her, and is now fully supporting her financially. He has sold his car to fund her business, he has reduced his hours to be with her (resulting in a significant drop in salary) and no longer sees his friends - she actually said to his managers face, "It's bad management".!!!!

She came away quite smug, that "she told them what's what".

Her partner was so lovely, and still is - when he came on the scene, he really calmed her down, and we thought finally someone to help her see things a little bit more clearly and a different perspective. We had such a lovely time with him, but that soon changed! He even approached me to ask how to deal with her, and he said she's feisty!

We met his family, and his family sent a message to him telling him what lovely people my husband and I are as we were driving home - and I remember then grabbing the steering wheel tightly in panic (I was driving home) and thinking she is not going to like that! (DD)

Now, he has been turned against us and is sending us horrible messages as a result of a non-event again. Its clear that she is nudging him to say these things and I suspect she is using his account to get to us ( I had to mute/block her because of the vitriol she kept sending). He called my husband names and is accusing us of lying! (This was the discussion over payment of the mortgage - he said we are lying because they can pay what they want when they want, we advised them this is true, but that is not the agreement we had; they need to make regular payments as agreed.)

It feels like she is nice to get what she wants, but as soon as she gets it she looks for and creates drama to cut us out of her life. I admit that in the past, in panic, I have bowed down.

But this time, she attacked me in my workplace, sending emails to my boss and trying to make me look incompetent. Luckily for me, my boss just ignored them, but said that she (DD) was definitely trying to ruin my reputation.

We live in a very small town, she tells lies constantly, and I am lost. I don't know what to do. It feels like she twists everything to drive a narrative that she is the victim and we are the nasties. Its so heartbreaking.

We had a message that she no longer wishes to have a relationship with us, due to our toxic behaviour and emotional abuse - she ended it with " I wish you both well". Yet she is still living on our land, with a debt in our name and using our facilities.

We don't want to cut her off, we don't want to appear to be petty or reactive.

I want to tell them to get their own loan, to clear our loan and then get it moved off. But I don't think they can now.

I have blocked her socials and her emails to stop the onslaught - is that petty? Am I just as bad as her for behaving like this?

And I'm afraid this feeds into her narrative about us. I want a relationship with her, but this pattern is so draining and exhausting. We are constantly walking on eggshells around her - if we explain this to her, she then uses that against us and turns the narrative to say she is the one walking on eggshells. It feels like she is AI, she's learning all these things from us to then accuse us of what she is doing - if that makes sense?

I don't know what to do.

Am I right to block all contact and request they get their own finance and move their house - or will this just inflame the situation and prevent any way back.

OP posts:
ThePoshUns · 04/06/2025 08:39

The letter @CakeBlanchettwould be a good starting point and I assume from reading it that Cake has some legal knowledge in this area.
Or speak to a local solicitor for advice.
you will really need to stand firm.
Your daughter sounds vile , she is going to end up a lonely individual by the sounds of it.

GRex · 04/06/2025 08:37

And I'm sorry for you and your DH, it sounds like she has a mental health disorder affecting her perceptions, but things have gone too far now for you to step in.

GRex · 04/06/2025 08:36

You'll have to cut her off eventually, so you may as well start now.

  1. Warn your manager she may escalate.
  2. Get notice to quit written up by a lawyer, for simplicity unless you plan to sue you'll need to let her keep the mobile home if she removes it from the land by X date. Anything left on your premises after that date will be sold to pay her debt. (Selling is cleaner even if you make a loss, or she will be agitating to take it in future.)
  3. Warn the boyfriend's parents, explain the issue is her but it can't continue. At least pre-warned they can decide their own response.
  4. Notice to move, then evict them.
Yellowpingu · 04/06/2025 08:36

Haven’t RTFT but if nobody else has mentioned it yet then I’d also change the locks to your home (assuming she has a key) and install a Ring doorbell, possibly even consider CCTV. I really feel for you but can’t see there’s a way back from this. How well do you know the partners parents? Could you let them know the real situation?

MikeRafone · 04/06/2025 08:35

You'll probably have to write off this debt - I doubt she will pay it back

Get the services to the mobile home sorted as separate, gas, electric, council tax and water - the land registered on land registry as its own plot

put your house up for sale and move - down size to get rid of your mortgage

then tell your daughter that as she says its all about the money - you'll cut your losses and leave the rest to the dogs home - I bet then all be all about the fucking money

You can't have a healthy or normal (whatever normal is) relationship with your dd, its really very sad but that is the crux of it.

Stop feeding her drama otherwise it'll send you and your husband to an early grave.

hattie43 · 04/06/2025 08:33

You’re DD sounds mentally very unwell and I think you’re getting her to be reasonable / logical are nigh on impossible. I imagine you realise that attempts to rectify this will result in the loss of your daughter but I can’t see what benefit there is to the relationship anyway . I think a big factor is whether the property is in her name and whether the mort / loan is contractually written up . If not you have been incredibly naive . I think if I had so little options I’d legally divide the land in two and sell the part you and your husband reside in and move away leaving her to it . I fear for her partner aswell , she sounds hugely toxic .

JustGiveMeWineNow · 04/06/2025 08:30

CakeBlanchett · 04/06/2025 02:00

This sounds like a long-standing pattern of emotional, financial, and psychological abuse, not a communication issue to be solved with scripts or mediation. When abuse is this entrenched, clarity and detachment — not compromise — become essential.

Consult a solicitor immediately. Meanwhile, send this letter to your daughter. She will escalate once you send it. Document and save everything. Only respond through your solicitor.

To:
[Your Daughter’s Full Name]
[Her Partner’s Full Name]
[Address – or simply “Currently residing on our property”]

Subject: Formal Notice – Financial Liability, Property Occupation, and Conduct

Dear [Daughter’s Name] and [Partner’s Name],
This letter serves as formal notice regarding three matters of pressing concern: (1) the financial liability you currently owe, (2) your continued occupation of our land, and (3) the nature of your communications with us. All three require immediate resolution.

  1. Mortgage and Outstanding Financial Agreement
As you are fully aware, we took out a significant mortgage in our names to assist you in securing your home. This was done based on your express commitment to repay us in regular monthly instalments. This commitment has not been honoured. There is no ambiguity about the fact that we are solely liable for the debt, while you occupy and benefit from the property it funded.

We are no longer in a position to absorb the consequences of your defaults. We therefore require that you seek independent finance in your own names to clear the balance in full. If this is not possible, we expect a formal repayment plan to be proposed in writing. Please confirm how you intend to proceed by [insert deadline – e.g. 14 June 2025]. If no confirmation is received, we will begin the process of recovering the debt through appropriate channels.

  1. Occupation of Our Land and Use of Utilities
The dwelling you currently occupy is located on land legally owned by us. There is no formal tenancy or licence agreement in place. Your continued presence is permitted solely at our discretion, which we are now reviewing. You make minimal contributions to utility costs, which is no longer acceptable.

We require one of the following by [insert date, e.g. 4 July 2025]:

  • A signed written agreement setting out financial contributions, occupancy terms, and a fixed end date;
  • or
  • Confirmation of your intention to vacate and remove the property.
If neither option is agreed upon, we will issue formal notice to vacate and pursue legal avenues for removal of the structure and recovery of any losses incurred.
  1. Ongoing Conduct and Communications
We will no longer accept any form of hostile or abusive communication — direct or indirect. This includes messages sent from your accounts, via third parties, or through professional channels. Any further harassment, defamation, or reputational interference (e.g., targeting our workplaces) will be documented and, if necessary, pursued under applicable laws.

Going forward, all communication must be in writing and strictly limited to matters relating to finances and property.

We have acted in good faith over many years. Unfortunately, your continued pattern of entitlement, manipulation, and aggression has left us with no choice but to protect our home, our finances, and our peace of mind. This letter establishes our position clearly and in writing. You are advised to treat it with the seriousness it warrants.

Yours sincerely,
[Your Full Name]
[Spouse’s Full Name]

Wow, that’s a great letter, that is very kind of you to take the time to draft that🥰 I feel so sorry for this lady, she has done her best to help her daughter and she is just a brat. I

NewStartofSomething · 04/06/2025 08:24

Cut off contact and consider getting them moved on.
You know you need to.
When there is distance, perhaps you can start building a relationship.
She also needs to see that she needs medical help, but that won’t be easy, not counselling, probably medication.

ChoppyChoppy · 04/06/2025 08:24

Are you in the UK?

Guinessandafire · 04/06/2025 08:23

Your are being abused, verbally and financially.

She is relying on the fact that she is your daughter to behave disgracefully towards you, and she will ruin you financially and destroy your health if you let her keep getting away from this.

You may wail ' but she's my daughter, my flesh and blood!' , well if you really care for her you will stop this abuse now and shock her into changing. At the moment you are enabling a nasty piece of work to ruin many peoples lives.

Please get legal advice, you are not the only set of parents to be financially abused and practically stolen from by their children. There will be legal recourse to get your assets back.

NewStartofSomething · 04/06/2025 08:20

Starlight7080 · 04/06/2025 07:51

She sounds like a spoilt brat who like so many other young people love to tell everyone they are toxic or narcissistic.
When really it's about not taking responsibility for themselves and expecting everything to be just given to them.
I would shock her and fully cut her off. Let them sort themselves out .
And let's face it they probably won't pay you back anyway.
Longterm you are not doing her any favours by funding her or bailing her out.
Her poor behaviour will just continue.
I would also say due to her vindictive nature when it comes to your job that maybe mental health problems are a factor also . Some sort of personality disorder.

I would say this is spot on, and sadly I also speak from experience. I can’t go into too much detail, or will need to name change.

Protect yourselves now as much as you can. You know there is a major issue.

I feel so sorry for the boyfriend, and you all.

EggnogNoggin · 04/06/2025 08:19

Deleting socials is a bit like scooping water out of a sinking ship - its not the priority.

You need legal advice about recovering the money and their tenure on your land.

Having a relationship is secondary.

Half of these problems are because you're bending over backwards for someone who doesn't respect you.

Dymaxion · 04/06/2025 08:19

What a difficult situation. Unfortunately you have enabled her behaviour over the years so that she feels entitled to what you have provided, probably thinks other peoples parents buy them cars and houses out right, so you asking for a contribution shows a lack of love/care. Which of course is very batshit disordered thinking !
Are you in the UK @Mumofadultkid or do you live in another country ?

LakieLady · 04/06/2025 08:19

This is heartbreaking to read, OP, I can't imagine how bad it is to live through.
But I'm afraid I can't see any way of ending her financial and emotional abuse of you and managing to have any sort of relationship with her afterwards.

It would be entirely reasonable to give her a month to find somewhere else to live, and I hope you're able to recoup some of the money you've lost by selling or renting out the home you bought for her.

Her behaviour reminds me a bit of one of my ILs, although they are nowhere near as bad. And they have an narcissistic PD diagnosis. Their parents could never say no to any of their demands. When their parents died, they burned through a £400k inheritance in a few years without even buying a property.

KurtShirty · 04/06/2025 08:18

I suggest you find an experienced, well qualified family therapist to help you manage the relationship (you can go on your own) as this is so so messy and you’re clearly out of your depth.

It sounds like she may have a personality disorder, if so the family dynamic is a huge part of the issue and treatment. Clearly you’ve played a huge part in enabling this behaviour so there’s lots you can do which might be hard but ultimately will be good for your daughter.

financially, if you can kick her out and sell the mobile home then do so, 100%. And of course protect yourself by blocking her if necessary

there's a great book called Walking on eggshells about being a family member to someone with a personality disorder, you might find it very helpful to read. There will be quite a lot of stuff you can do differently to improve things.

Kiwi83 · 04/06/2025 08:17

She's never going to change hon and will bleed you dry. I have a sister just like this. You need to cut her off and make her move out. She'll likely never become financially responsible but she'll find others to fund her down the road. It's hard but you can emotionally disconnect from family members, you shouldn't let yourself be taken advantage of by anyone but especially family 💐

PringleDiamond · 04/06/2025 08:08

Is she your only child?
Are you terrified of losing her?

Are you friendly with his parents? Is that a way in?

Maybe write a letter. Saying you love her but explaining why you are now doing what you are. This cannot go on.

Flavourful · 04/06/2025 08:08

I’m sorry you are going through this. You need to take control, I’m not sure how old you are, you say you still work so under pension age. Personally I’d attack back. Sell your home, buy somewhere cheap and cheerful tell Dd you have no option but to sell, they need to move out, sell their property and get somewhere else. Let that be the last she sees of your money. She clearly has the attitude what is yours is hers and it will be hers one day anyway.
do as my friend did they bought a caravan on a park and lived the high life on the proceeds of their home and pensions. Their kids got nothing at the end when they thought they’d be left with thousands. They even left the caravan to someone else in the will.

Ginnnny · 04/06/2025 08:08

OP, this sounds awful. I think you're maybe so upset about this because you know this is the end of the road - you and your husband have very clearly had her back all her life, and she's thrown that in your face repeatedly. I think it's time to show her who is boss; go no contact, throw them out of the house. Hopefully the partner realises soon also that she is a toxic narcissist.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 04/06/2025 08:06

maddening · 04/06/2025 00:54

Take the mobile home back to clear the debt and kick them both off your land.

Yep, this.

She is toxic, and spoils everything she touches. She has learned how to manipulate people to her own benefit and sounds like a sociopath. Evict them from the mobile home, sell it or rent it out (whichever gets you the best return). Never lend her anything again. Block her. Use the law if she continues to attack you.

Boreded · 04/06/2025 08:06

you are in an abusive relationship with your own daughter. Remove her from your property, sell the mobile home and if this does not clear any outstanding debt caused by her then approach your bank as this is financial abuse and they may be able to support you (even if all they can do is remove interest from the loans) - get help from a domestic abuse charity who can talk you through the process.

but get rid of her, she is your abuser. And please please disinherit her

Pricelessadvice · 04/06/2025 08:05

Get this horrible brat off your land and see how she copes when she has to pay her own way and stand on her own two feet.
Unless the house and car are in your name, you won’t get that money back, but it’s about time your daughter realises that if she treats people like dirt, they’ll eventually get sick of her and cut her off.

I’d make it very clear to her that she is not welcome on your land and there will be no more handouts or bills paid on her behalf. She’s on her own. She sounds awful!

Xenzs · 04/06/2025 08:04

Are the movable home and cars in your dd's name? Do they technically belong to her although you financed them? If they belong to you I'd trick her into going on vacation and while she's away get rid of all of it, the cars and the mobile home. You might like to consider writing a will and disinheriting her.

your d is all over the place.

PringleDiamond · 04/06/2025 08:03

You have been unreasonable for supporting her for so long really.

I am so sorry OP. You need to get tough now.

I hope they don’t have kids any time soon 😔

Applesonthelawn · 04/06/2025 08:00

The mortgage on the property she lives in is your responsibility so I think your options are very limited.
a) Default on the mortgage
This would harm you long term because eventually your home would be repossessed and you'd end up with much less than the market value. You'd also have to move out. She's be far more resilient to the pain of that than you. You would bear the brunt of that strain over a prolonged period.
b) Have her evicted from your property
I'm not a lawyer but I think this would be very difficult if you have no tenancy contract with her. It's effectively the same as getting your adult child to move out of the home you both live in. All you can do is ask them to go and hope they do.

I think all you can do is keep asking them to move out and hope eventually they dislike you so much that they actually do it. The stress of that will be huge for you but at this point, I think it's your only course of action.

I wouldn't block her because that reduces your capacity to convince her she needs to be independent. I'd just replay the same consistent message: we don't get on, we are both stressed by the relationship, you should leave and be independent and everyone would then be happier.

Back that up by repossessing the car if it is technically yours. Just drive it off one day and sell it. If the fuse box is in your home, you could turn it off and not allow her access to your home. No arguments, she doesn't pay for the utilities, she lives in the cold. But it's a bitter, long road.