Bank of Mum and Dad and disrespect - request they finance their own.

You need professional help

she has a serious mental health issue which isn’t going to be resolved with a sit down stern chat

I see it as you either chuck them out cut her off or allow her carry on paying her mortgage and allowing her to use you

of course cut all means of communication while it is so abusive and inform your workplace and anyone else of the difficulties you are having in case of malicious communications ( keep a record for the police )

this is heartbreaking, so sorry

Honestly, what decent adult would see their near retirement parents take on extra mortgage?

You really do need to look after yourselves Op.

Sure as hell she wouldn't do anything for you!

I have posted previously about our son. When DH fell ill with dementia he took out a power of attorney to try and access money. He has continually been supported by us, but in his view it was never enough. Nothing ever really would be. We gave him 40k for a deposit, but this was a "paltry sum" in his view. When we challenged the POA he raised a safeguarding complaint with Social Services.

It takes some getting your head around that your own child will behave like this. He has been quite clear that any money we have earned is actually his and that we should not be spending it. He visits DH rarely but on his last visit he took him shopping (DH still has a debit card) and spent a large sum on himself- when we queried this he simply smiled and said Dad said it would be ok.

I would split the way to deal with this into the emotional and the practical. On the practical side take legal advice as soon as possible. Be clear that you will protect yourself and make sure you have managed all possible risks. In my son's case, he thought nothing of breaking into the house when we were not there and have trying to hack into emails. All of this needs to be secure. Also document everything well and make sure there was an audit trail. DS is fond of telling DH that we never sent him birthday cards so I have kept the ones we sent and recently have sent on Moonpig so there is a trail. I

ME, nothing you will do is going to make the level of entitlement any less, there is not a magic piece of family therapy (he would never go), or sensible discussion which will sort this. You do very sadly need to accept this and (perhaps for a while), need to accept the relationship is severely estranged.

In short, you have to protect yourself OP.

To be honest it sounds like you have continued to treat her like a child and now she is continuing to act like one, only now because she is an adult her child like behaviour is backed by adult power.

A lot of kids go through a "spoilt teenager" phase before they appreciate more what their parents do for them. It seems like your child has not come out of it.

I think at some point I think children do need to grow up and take responsibility for their own life, own costs, own housings etc. Once they go through this process they learn how difficult/easy it is, and appreciate help more. After that point when they have tried to do it by themselves I think a good parent will step in with some assistance if they have the capability (not every parent can afford it).

It doesn't sound like your child has gone through this process and therefore isn't in any way appreciative of what you do for her.

It's not all on you of course. Her general attitude does not sound great, for whatever reason she seems not to be a pleasant person. But that is the way some people get if they don't find their own feet.

Who owns the mobile home, you or her?

I hope it’s in your name.

She needs to be evicted and you need to rent it out to someone else to cover your loan.

Children that haven’t been offered everything on a plate are the ones that have respect and understand the value of money from what I’ve seen.

Please don’t think I’m judging you, I’ve got terrible experience of this myself 💐

Urgh she sounds a nightmare! Go no contact, OP

This must all be so painful for you, I'm sorry. Haven't had time to RTFT but agree with those saying mental health issues/narcissism on your DD's part. If anyone's toxic it's her, given the behaviour you've described. Quite honestly at this point I think she needs the safety net pulling out from under her. You've been trying to do good things for her and she's throwing them back in your face, systematically rejecting you and causing havoc in your life - I know she's your daughter but she's also an adult and if this is her chosen way of interacting with you, then she doesn't deserve your help at this point in her life. Who knows, a 'short sharp shock' might even wake her up to how vile she's being, although I wouldn't count on it. But either way I think you need to withdraw from her for your own sake, this must be destroying you.

Whose name is their house in? If yours, kick them out and rent it to cover the loan payment. If theirs, take them to small claims court for the repayments they owe you to date. Your daughter will not have any respect for you while you keep being such a doormat. There is no amount of kindness that will be enough to someone so entitled. You need to let her stand on her own two feet and prioritise your own life.

Cut the rope.
Defund the spoilt brat.
Get your name off anything to do with her, and don't give her the home or a single penny. Claim back everything and cancel all communication.
Kick her out onto the street.

Actions have consequences and that manipulative little witch sounds like a jekyll amd hyde narcissist.

My brother did this to my mum.
Got 10K out of her, her to consign on loans, then orchestrated a falling out with her, so she was left high and dry paying off HIS DEBTS.
He is a scumbag.
Mum thought she was doing the right thing by her son. Yet her son used her.

She is a spoilt brat. She will never change. Get rid.

*edited to add, he also used crocodile tears. I'm in debt mum, I'm so depressed mum I cannot cope. He was her eldest and golden child. How could she say no to her tearful boy?
The second that he and his wife got the money, they changed and just went radio silent. They got what they wanted. She picked up the pieces. It broke her.

My mum had to declare herself bankrupt. Her health massively deteriorated and she was heartbroken.
She reached out to him when she was deathly ill, tried to reach out and asked to see him and his children.
He was full of excuses
Talk is cheap.
Now that she's just died recently, he's full of regret and tears to the extended family.
Yet he is the one who caused his own guilt.

Please look after yourself.
Hugs to you 🫂

All of this!

Keep your cards close to your chest and get legal advice as to what you can do regarding evicting her and reclaiming your cash.

You have two choices really, carry on as things are as her cash point or sever the relationship at least for now, possibly forever. If you decide to stop enabling her and I would agree with just about everyone else that it is the the right call, then sorting out this mess now is going to be a lot easier now then when you or your DH dies and only one of you is left with her and the boyfriend. As I have no doubt she will be after even more then as you will be outnumbered and she will be due her share and upset so need money.

Honestly, I really don’t think you should be enabling her to this degree, it isn’t healthy on anyone and you really need to ask yourself why you and your husband have gone so far down this route.

"They agreed to pay back ..."

In writing?
Enforce it legally
Give them an eviction notice, issue a small claims court action for the missed payments

Not in writing?
You can try the small claims route but risk a magistrate who only goes by the letter of the law - even if you have communications between you acknowledging the debt, there's no 100% guarantee that will be enough in court

I have adult kids, and frankly I’d push the nuclear button in this situation.

I’d sell up everything to clear the mortgages and then really really downsize in a cheaper location if necessary with the leftover. I’d go NC and have an order for harassment served if she contacted your workplace etc. I know this is hard with a child but have an immediate relative who chose to do this in a very similar situation, otherwise the constant stress is too much. If her partner chooses to stay with her and put up with this (and believed it normal she came to his workplace to speak with his management!!!), then fool be him, he can lie in that bed.

Your DD sounds like my MIL - she has a massive victim mentality, thinks everyone is conspiring against her and has fallen out with all her family as a result of these perceived slights. I don't have any advice but it's really hard to deal with people like that.

You need to seek urgent legal and financial advice. I understand you love your daughter, but you have both been enabling her behaviour over the years. You need to cut the purse strings. You are not responsible for housing or financially supporting your adult daughter. You need to be in the mindset of 'enough is enough' and that means taking steps to evict her from your land, forcing her to find somewhere else and pay her way in life. At the moment she knows if she doesn't pay, you have too. The mortgage and loan are all in your names, so she's not financially responsible for them, you are! I don't know what you can do about these to be honest, which is why you need urgent legal and financial advice. At the moment it's best you don't have contact with her, block her on all forms of contact. She's nasty, unpleasant person, who is using emotional blackmail and bullying tactics to constantly have her own way. She sounds highly strung, controlling, manipulative and quite frankly unhinged. I'd be thinking long-term too - do you want her in control of you both as you age? Do you want to leave her money/assets when you pass away? I'd rather leave my estate to the local cats home, than someone like your daughter. You need to start making a water tight Will, arranging for someone else to have POE should you both become unable to look after your health/finances and having a solicitor be executor of your Will. You need to safeguard your assets from your greedy daughter.

I've a sister like this. It never changes, honestly. She always knows better than everyone, even sent a complaint to the Law Society about a solicitor employed by us who set her straight on a few issues. No one in the family has spoken to her in years. See a solicitor now and cut your losses as quickly as possible. Good luck.

You should go and get some legal advice as soon as possible.
She is never going to change and you now have a debt you have to pay off.

I would evict her and sell the tiny home (or whatever it is) but that depends on the exact legal situation.

I couldn’t even read all that. Boundaries, you need boundaries. You don’t need to be hyper dramatic and block all communication. You need to be firm that it’s time she flew the nest. That you won’t be providing any more financial support and they have 6 months to find alternative accommodation (moving the house to other land or renting a small flat together until they can move it).

That said, I do also think it’s very worth doing some self-examination here. If this is a true account of your daughter’s behaviour, she wasn’t born this way. It’s learned behaviour within your family and you created this situation for yourselves by pandering to her for many years with no consequences.

Though this sounds very much like the story my mum tells about me (except I definitely don’t live in a tiny house or anywhere near her, thank god), right down to the taking money for a house (not true in my case, but she loves to tell everyone that and quote the huge amounts I’ve apparently stolen from her). The actual story is very different and has to do with safeguarding my children.

Now in your case, it doesn’t sound like she is trying to protect her children from a convicted child abuser, but it does sound like everyone needs to examine how the family dynamics have created this situation. If you want to eventually heal the relationship, you may need to go first in working on yourself, taking accountability and setting healthy boundaries in hopes that she will be able to do the same once you all have some space from each other.

My first step would be to understand possibly via legal advice what (if any) rights I had to recover the debt and remove them from my land. Once I knew what I COULD do under law, then I'd have a hard think about what I wanted to do. Because informal action is going to result in the worst of both worlds. Your relationship will be over and they will not repay you. So if you're going to go down the path of getting what is due to you, you need to be prepared to go all in through legal channels. If you're not prepared to do that, then you might as well write the debt off and avoid the additional misery it will cause to keep unsuccessfully chasing it. As for your on going relationship, much will depend on your choices above. However I think I'd be aiming for distance with the door open should she decide to treat you with the respect you deserve.

I am laughing at the post saying to give her some inheritance early!
WTAF
She's had it tenfold already!

There's nothing like suggesting you give a windfall to someone who is abusing you!!!!

You need to get them off your land and put some distance between you. No matter how badly this hurts you financially. You could sell all the property/land and go and start fresh in another property that isn’t in your small town, even.

and you also need to accept that one day, you may need to cut her out of your life. She is an abuser and everyone she meets, she makes their life worse. You can choose to live your life, or you can choose to be abused by her. And it is a choice.

I’m so sorry OP but I can’t see a way out of this without your DD finding some way to complain about your behaviour and go NC with you. I know a lot of people have mentioned eviction but your DD is likely to refuse and this could become very messy and involve enforcement. Have you thought about selling and downsizing? Write a letter to your DD saying that financially you cannot afford to live there without DDs payments and therefore you have to sell up. Then all of you are moving, not just them. I would definitely speak to a solicitor to discuss your options. Good luck.

OP, kindly, you need to remove as much emotion from this and go and see a solicitor to establish your rights and what you can and cannot do. Then decide a plan and implement it, then go NC. For your own peace of mind you really must do this.
I wish you well.

Is she likely to trash the mobile home if warned she'll be evicted?

I think I agree with a pp that if the car and mobile home are in your name I would try and blindside her. Put her stuff in a storage unit and sell them when she's on holiday

@op What a tangled situation. When family are as difficult as this, the only way to manage them is at a physical and emotional distance.

(I’ve had to do this with my father).

You need - with some urgency - to live further apart. Others have given you better advice than I have about how to achieve this. You can’t distance yourself from her if you’re bumping into her, and her dwelling is literally within your sight. This should be the priority.

Otherwise, it sounds as though you have been a very caring and involved mum, so cutting her off won’t come easily to you. Going completely ‘no contact’ will be difficult for you, so instead, try to focus on not reacting or responding so quickly to her, and deescalating her drama and keeping your peace and calm, when your paths do cross.

You don’t need to defend yourself if she insults you; you don’t need to crisis manage and talk her down if she threatens something; you don’t need to provide what she asks for. You need to take several steps back and let a lot of it fly over your head. A counsellor will help.

I’m sorry this has happened - lots of people have to deal with difficult adult children. Follow the ‘parenting adult children’ board to read about similar problems and you will feel less alone with this. Stay in touch and let us know how you get on. X