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Original poster

Bank of Mum and Dad and disrespect - request they finance their own.

258 replies

Mumofadultkid · 04/06/2025 00:45

Please bear with me there is a lot to this, and please be gentle with your comments - this has put me into a tailspin and I am crying every day.

We have helped our DD and her partner into a house, by releasing equity from our home and getting a revolving mortgage on their behalf. It was a significant amount and has put us years back in clearing our own mortgage. (We are fast approaching retirement!) They agreed to pay a certain amount each month to clear it, but they have defaulted on this 3 times already. The house is a movable house (not a caravan but movable) and is on our land. They use our services but only pay a small amount towards utilities such as electricity.

In the past, we have bought her two cars, one we agreed to pay for and the other we got the loan in our name for her to pay us back as she couldn't secure a loan at the time and I said its cheaper this way than paying all that interest. The second car loan, she paid a couple of payments, barely anything - then she started again with the attacks and said "it's all about the money with you", as a result of that - we said it's not about the money - keep the car! (On reflection, I now know this was the wrong thing to do)

She is always combative and looks for anything to have a go at us with, it really is anything - a post I may have put up, she interprets it as an attack on her, if I say something (even nothing to do with her) she interprets as an attack on her. If we don't respond in a way that she wants - "we were not excited enough", or we don't support her, or we are abusive, toxic narcissists. I noticed this as a young teen, where she claimed to her friends that a teacher had looked her up and down, funnily judging her outfit - she didn't! There was no looking up and down. The teacher said hi, Where are the others and that was it! Its been going on for years.

She can't maintain friendships, and has actually been quite nasty to some of them - pointing out "their toxic traits" - she has had three jobs never longer than a year, all of which have ended because she feels she is better than everyone, everyone is stupid and doesn't know what they are doing, and she is quite rightly (in her mind) pointing out everything that is wrong with the organisation to her managers!

She recently left her job to start her own business which is not going very well!

Her partner had a great job, but due to her "interference", he has had to move teams. She went in with him to "talk to his managers" because of "bullying behaviour from the team". It wasn't. The team he worked with was warning him because in a short space of time, he had moved in with her, and is now fully supporting her financially. He has sold his car to fund her business, he has reduced his hours to be with her (resulting in a significant drop in salary) and no longer sees his friends - she actually said to his managers face, "It's bad management".!!!!

She came away quite smug, that "she told them what's what".

Her partner was so lovely, and still is - when he came on the scene, he really calmed her down, and we thought finally someone to help her see things a little bit more clearly and a different perspective. We had such a lovely time with him, but that soon changed! He even approached me to ask how to deal with her, and he said she's feisty!

We met his family, and his family sent a message to him telling him what lovely people my husband and I are as we were driving home - and I remember then grabbing the steering wheel tightly in panic (I was driving home) and thinking she is not going to like that! (DD)

Now, he has been turned against us and is sending us horrible messages as a result of a non-event again. Its clear that she is nudging him to say these things and I suspect she is using his account to get to us ( I had to mute/block her because of the vitriol she kept sending). He called my husband names and is accusing us of lying! (This was the discussion over payment of the mortgage - he said we are lying because they can pay what they want when they want, we advised them this is true, but that is not the agreement we had; they need to make regular payments as agreed.)

It feels like she is nice to get what she wants, but as soon as she gets it she looks for and creates drama to cut us out of her life. I admit that in the past, in panic, I have bowed down.

But this time, she attacked me in my workplace, sending emails to my boss and trying to make me look incompetent. Luckily for me, my boss just ignored them, but said that she (DD) was definitely trying to ruin my reputation.

We live in a very small town, she tells lies constantly, and I am lost. I don't know what to do. It feels like she twists everything to drive a narrative that she is the victim and we are the nasties. Its so heartbreaking.

We had a message that she no longer wishes to have a relationship with us, due to our toxic behaviour and emotional abuse - she ended it with " I wish you both well". Yet she is still living on our land, with a debt in our name and using our facilities.

We don't want to cut her off, we don't want to appear to be petty or reactive.

I want to tell them to get their own loan, to clear our loan and then get it moved off. But I don't think they can now.

I have blocked her socials and her emails to stop the onslaught - is that petty? Am I just as bad as her for behaving like this?

And I'm afraid this feeds into her narrative about us. I want a relationship with her, but this pattern is so draining and exhausting. We are constantly walking on eggshells around her - if we explain this to her, she then uses that against us and turns the narrative to say she is the one walking on eggshells. It feels like she is AI, she's learning all these things from us to then accuse us of what she is doing - if that makes sense?

I don't know what to do.

Am I right to block all contact and request they get their own finance and move their house - or will this just inflame the situation and prevent any way back.

OP posts:
Cyclebabble · 04/06/2025 11:59

WearyAuldWumman · 04/06/2025 11:58

I'll admit that the possibility of the OP's daughter abusing them via a POA was one of the first things that came to my mind.

I'm assuming that in your case, your son persuaded your DH to sign the forms? I'm so sorry.

Show quote history

DH had no idea what he had signed. It is very easy to get a form completed and registered and gives very wide ranging powers. It took considerable cost and legal resource to get the POA removed.

WearyAuldWumman · 04/06/2025 11:58

Cyclebabble · 04/06/2025 10:11

I have posted previously about our son. When DH fell ill with dementia he took out a power of attorney to try and access money. He has continually been supported by us, but in his view it was never enough. Nothing ever really would be. We gave him 40k for a deposit, but this was a "paltry sum" in his view. When we challenged the POA he raised a safeguarding complaint with Social Services.

It takes some getting your head around that your own child will behave like this. He has been quite clear that any money we have earned is actually his and that we should not be spending it. He visits DH rarely but on his last visit he took him shopping (DH still has a debit card) and spent a large sum on himself- when we queried this he simply smiled and said Dad said it would be ok.

I would split the way to deal with this into the emotional and the practical. On the practical side take legal advice as soon as possible. Be clear that you will protect yourself and make sure you have managed all possible risks. In my son's case, he thought nothing of breaking into the house when we were not there and have trying to hack into emails. All of this needs to be secure. Also document everything well and make sure there was an audit trail. DS is fond of telling DH that we never sent him birthday cards so I have kept the ones we sent and recently have sent on Moonpig so there is a trail. I

ME, nothing you will do is going to make the level of entitlement any less, there is not a magic piece of family therapy (he would never go), or sensible discussion which will sort this. You do very sadly need to accept this and (perhaps for a while), need to accept the relationship is severely estranged.

In short, you have to protect yourself OP.

I'll admit that the possibility of the OP's daughter abusing them via a POA was one of the first things that came to my mind.

I'm assuming that in your case, your son persuaded your DH to sign the forms? I'm so sorry.

WearyAuldWumman · 04/06/2025 11:51

Sunholidays · 04/06/2025 09:02

In a practical way I’d look at how best to disentangle finances. I’d go as far as to give her some of her inheritance early if you can, and then reduce contact to a minimum or even zero. Unfortunately you have tied yourselves to them and that is proving to be costly.

I’d also seek help from a therapist with how to deal with your daughter from now on.

i’m sorry OP that you’re in such a bad situation.

Edited

Given that the OP has had to remortgage her own home in order to finance the daughter, it sounds to me as though the daughter's already had her inheritance.

In my experience, the more that you hand over, the more that is expected. I think that many of us take our parents for granted, but some people simply don't grow out of that phase.

Sufferingjaysus · 04/06/2025 11:51

Cyclebabble · 04/06/2025 10:11

I have posted previously about our son. When DH fell ill with dementia he took out a power of attorney to try and access money. He has continually been supported by us, but in his view it was never enough. Nothing ever really would be. We gave him 40k for a deposit, but this was a "paltry sum" in his view. When we challenged the POA he raised a safeguarding complaint with Social Services.

It takes some getting your head around that your own child will behave like this. He has been quite clear that any money we have earned is actually his and that we should not be spending it. He visits DH rarely but on his last visit he took him shopping (DH still has a debit card) and spent a large sum on himself- when we queried this he simply smiled and said Dad said it would be ok.

I would split the way to deal with this into the emotional and the practical. On the practical side take legal advice as soon as possible. Be clear that you will protect yourself and make sure you have managed all possible risks. In my son's case, he thought nothing of breaking into the house when we were not there and have trying to hack into emails. All of this needs to be secure. Also document everything well and make sure there was an audit trail. DS is fond of telling DH that we never sent him birthday cards so I have kept the ones we sent and recently have sent on Moonpig so there is a trail. I

ME, nothing you will do is going to make the level of entitlement any less, there is not a magic piece of family therapy (he would never go), or sensible discussion which will sort this. You do very sadly need to accept this and (perhaps for a while), need to accept the relationship is severely estranged.

In short, you have to protect yourself OP.

This is excellent advice

Sufferingjaysus · 04/06/2025 11:48

Have you heard the saying ‘what you get for nothing is worth nothing’?

as much as it pains you, you have to cut the financial support (which isn’t appreciated) otherwise it will just continue and leave you in wreck and ruin. She clearly doesn’t care that she has left you in financial uncertainty and has no intention of paying you back. Engage a solicitor, give her notice to leave, cut off access to utilities and then sell the mobile home to cover some of your losses. Protect your assets now, they clearly cannot be trusted.

She is an adult and needs to find her own way in the world. Her partner is nothing to you and hasn’t shown any decency by making sure you have been paid on time.

AnonymousBleep · 04/06/2025 11:27

Your daughter is the absolute textbook definition of a narcissist.

She's not going to change and you won't have a relationship with her. You may as well cut your losses, block access to your facilities and send them a solicitor's letter saying they need to repay the loan on the terms agreed or they'll need to repay it immediately in full (assuming you've got some sort of contract with your daughter, otherwise you'll have to write the money off). You can tell them to move their mobile home off your land and serve them an eviction notice for that. I'm sorry. Good luck.

Bettyfromlondon · 04/06/2025 10:48

To be honest, your daughter is beyond help now.

I hope your top priority today is seeking legal help as to the ownership status of the mobile home and how to assert yourselves to evict them as soon as possible.

As an aside, living with such prolonged and irreconcilable stress may eventually affect the health of you or your husband. I suggest you update and make your wills as watertight as possible and also think about how to future-proof for POAs etc. I personally would not leave her a penny!

hairbearbunches · 04/06/2025 10:46

I echo those suggesting personality disorder. We’ve all done and said things to parents that, on reflection, went a bit too far in the heat of the moment, but trying to trash your reputation in the workplace is a whole other level. That’s dangerous behaviour. Narcissism gets banded around a lot and attributed wrongly in most cases, but narcissism doesn’t sound far off the mark here. With an actual narcissist, the ONLY thing you can do is walk away before they destroy you. There is no way to have a mutually respectful relationship with them.

Nannyfannybanny · 04/06/2025 10:41

No one is going to be horrible on here.. some good sensible advice, PLEASE take it,get legal advice..I have a good friend almost 70 in a similar situation with her 40 year old son,in fact I was debating posting on MN for advice, because he has put on his FB page last week,he's jobless (that's true,he got the sack) that he's going to be living on the streets again! Nes never been on the streets.shes also forked out HUGE sums of money on his behalf,he lives with her,gets everything he wants. She has another son living at home severe learning disabilities never be able to live independently. I want to show her the lies on FB, because he has people offering him food,, money, lodging,my DH said leave well alone.dd said tell her! I've screenshotted the pages because I know he Will deny it.. he's been diagnosed as a sociapath. We went no contact with DH mother and siblings 16 years ago,best thing we ever did. I had similar scenarios with oldest DD at 21, threw her out and went no contact for a couple of years....it worked she turned her life around,tough love.

HectorPlasm · 04/06/2025 10:39

If the house moves, then move it - then sell it

TonTonMacoute · 04/06/2025 10:38

You are giving her tons of support and she is still bad mouthing you! It can't really be worse than that, can it.

She sounds like a very difficult personality to deal with, but once you stop supporting her she will need to either earn her own way or go to others for help - possibly her partner's parents. Once this happens she will almost certainly start treating them the same way and people will realise very quickly who is the problem.

I think you will possibly have a very uncomfortable time initially but you must cut her off for now, explain calmly and clearly what your reasons are and emphasise that you are always open to reconciliation, but on your terms. For whatever reason it is her who's behaving badly.

Guinessandafire · 04/06/2025 10:38

This is one of those threads where I would love the OP to come back in a few weeks to say they have engaged a solicitor and started legal proceedings to get their assets back.

I hate that there are people like this daughter in the world, spreading misery and ruining lives at every turn.

ThePoshUns · 04/06/2025 10:35

Yes if it’s a mobile home and in your name I would contact a dealer to buy it off you and take it away . I’d tell your daughter the day before collection to allow her to remove her belongings and move on.

Applesonthelawn · 04/06/2025 10:35

OP you ask if YWBU to ask her to move "her" house. It's your house - you are paying for it. You can and should move it yourself. You can in fact sell it to clear the debt. You don't want to but it may be the only way out.

5foot5 · 04/06/2025 10:31

Am I right to block all contact and request they get their own finance and move their house
Yes you are right to do this. See a solicitor asap

or will this just inflame the situation and prevent any way back.
Yes, almost certainly. But in all honesty do you want a way back? It sounds like she has always been like this and she is not getting any better. If you don't cut contact it will only get worse. I am sure it will hurt terribly, but it will hurt even worse if you let her just carry on abusing you and ruin you financially.

Copperlightning · 04/06/2025 10:29

I would take back everything that you have given her in cash and asset that you can. The only funding I would offer her in the future is to pay for psychiatric help. She sounds mentally ill.

hattie43 · 04/06/2025 10:26

@MikeRafone

Maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong. I’m easy pickings as a sole home owner .

CombatBarbie · 04/06/2025 10:26

Can you cut off the utilities to their home? The feeder water and electric to the static in my caravan are in my house on a seperate circuit so can turn them off.

She's taking you for an absolute mug. She needs a harsh life lesson. Not sure you'll see your money again though 😔

Cherrytree86 · 04/06/2025 10:25

@Sunholidays

wtf?! She doesn’t deserve a penny of inheritance! Cut her out of the will altogether, and leave the money it to cancer research/ macmillan

Applesonthelawn · 04/06/2025 10:23

Is it possible to just drive a mobile home off one day and sell it, then you could clear the debt? If you can do that to the car, why not the mobile home too?
Obviously this would be a huge escalation but you may eventually get to the point where you have to. Do you have keys to the car/mobile home? Does she have keys to your home?

BangersAndGnash · 04/06/2025 10:22

OP:
Have they put any of their own money into the mobile home?

If not, evict them . It is not reactive or petty.

Evict them and rent it to a reliable tenant, or AirBnB.

You know now that your Dd is happy to exploit you financially and manipulate and abuse you emotionally.

She already tells you she thinks you are abusive and all about the money so what do you have to lose?

Come on, get real.

I am so sorry this has happened but there is no magic solution whereby she apologises and pays you the owed money in a haze of roses.

Take back control over your own lives.

Topsyturvy78 · 04/06/2025 10:22

Sorry to say this but you've raised a brat. Get them evicted and put the house up for sale.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 04/06/2025 10:21

Jesus wept.

What a horror story.

Your dd is a nightmare in every sphere of her life.

And of course it's all about the money. Because she's taking the total piss.

Put a stop to it.

Belladog1 · 04/06/2025 10:19

Like everyone else has said, as hard as it is to hear, your daughter needs to start standing on her own two feet. She can't expect to keep taking from you, and then to disrespect you into the bargain.

I think you need to ask her to leave your property and make her own way in the world.