Bank of Mum and Dad and disrespect - request they finance their own.

So you brought her a car and then a loan on another car which she didn’t pay

why on Earth did you do the same agaib bit on a bigger scale for a house /home - which in turn means you are not mortgage free now and have added expense

she is not going to change

she didn’t care that you are paying both your and her home /house

I would give her an intimation. Start paying the loan or you will sell the property and move it off your land

I know it’s hard as she’s your dd and blood but she is taking the piss at literally your expense

It’s a shame the OP hasn’t returned as there is some really good advice in here.

‘Helping’ family isn’t always the best thing.
My DB was a pain always asking for help, always money issues he blamed on others, this was partly due to DM and we spent hours,days ,weeks of our lives fretting over his problems.
Once DM passed away we somehow stepped away fromn all the complaining and fuss, established a much better friendlier relationship of equals.
So sad it didn’t happen earlier.
you could be doing Dd a favour stepping back.

@Mumofadultkid

You're in a coercive, controlling relationship with your own daughter- which you've enabled!

Take some legal advice ASAP. Get them off your property & untangle loans etc & try to recoup some of your money. Then, cut them off. And don't back down or give in to emotional blackmail - because that will definitely come!!

She will never change, sadly.

Who legally owns the accommodation? If it's you you need to sell it and cut your losses.

If it's in their name I really hope you have something legally in place so your money is protected and for them to pay you. From what's happened previously I doubt you have this.

Whose name is the mobile home in? If it’s your loan it should be in yours.

She has serious mental health problems

possibly bipolar and cannot function or manage anything

You most likely need to sell the home, get your money back, as that is going down a rabbit hole and you’re enabling her behaviojr

She needs help. Professional help
Perhaps and assessment for BPD and medication

This sounds dreadful.

It may help to separate out your financial situation from your relationship with your DD.

Suggest you seek financial and legal advice about clearing your debts (mortgage, car loan etc). It depends how much money you have, and how much you can take emotionally, whether you write off her debt to you or pursue her for it. Plus, the chances of success of pursuing her for it. If she argues she doesn’t have the money to pay, it may be difficult to enforce a claim.

Whatever you decide, the important thing is getting your own finances in order, especially if you’re heading for retirement. And that may mean financially planning on the presumption you may not get the money back from her. Doesn’t mean you don’t pursue her, but you’re not relying on her paying.

As for her continuing to live on your land, using your utilities, again it depends on how much this affects you and how difficult it’d be to remove her. You could leave her there, though obvs don’t lend her any more money. Or you could ask her to leave and evict her if she doesn’t. But that could be v distressing for you all and may make it more difficult to rebuild a relationship.

As a PP has suggested, a solution to many of your dilemmas could be to sell up and move elsewhere for your retirement, either mortgage-free or with a mortgage you can manage. You could use some of the proceeds to clear loans. She’ll then have to leave as it’ll no longer be your land.

Emotionally, it’s about setting firm boundaries. Make it clear her behaviour to you (e.g. contacting your employer, nasty messages, failing to honour agreements to repay money) is unacceptable. You’ll always be there for her, emotionally. But if she crosses boundaries, you’ll have to distance yourself. It sounds like she’s unclear about the boundaries of social norms and respectful behaviour, e.g. contacting other people’s employers, interfering in others’ lives or not being able to see things from other people’s pov. Hopefully, she can learn this as she matures and you can help show her this.

Her behaviour to her partner, and the decisions he makes in response, are IMHO absolutely none of your business, unless it directly affects you or you witness abuse in your presence, in which case you should call it out and remove yourself. It’d be difficult to teach her she should keep out of others’ lives (e.g. her partner’s employer) if you judge or interfere in hers.

Please update us on your decision. Put you and your husband first.

Yes, the "accusing you of doing the thing she's actually doing to you" thing is a recognised technique - look up DARVO.

Separate your finances from hers as much as you legally can and never give her another penny. You don't have to "cut her off" - but you may well find that once you're not bankrolling her, she shows very little interest in seeing you. Believe what she's telling you - you may love her, but she doesn't love you. Sorry.

Think very carefully about what goes in your will, who the executors are, who's named as next of kin on your NHS records, who has power of attorney and all that. She's the type who would cheat / steal given the chance.

I’m so sorry OP. The only hope for a future relationship with your daughter comes from tough love now.
Rescind the loan and kick her off your land.
Then wait for a few years and hope she finds her way…

Children that haven’t been offered everything on a plate are the ones that have respect and understand the value of money from what I’ve seen.

⬆️ This. I see on MN parents who bleat about always having bought their kids everything they ever wanted, and they still behave like little shits! Why do this? Kids don't have to be bought everything going!

I was a tight wad with my kids in their teen years and they learnt to appreciate all they have, eventually.

I have been good to them later in life (they are in their 30s) and I have a saying... "I love spoiling unspoilt children"
They are so so appreciative of anything I do for them.
I just could not have coped with an entitled brat.
I have a friend (more of an ex friend really). She spoilt her 3 boys from day one. Her and her DH bought each them properties. They don't even send her a birthday card!!

I would take the house back, and ask them to leave your property. If she still has the car in your name then sell it. I know you want a relationship with her, but in her current state that doesn’t sound like a possibility. She needs to have consequences for her actions and something to happen that will hopefully make her reflect on her behaviour. Currently she knows that if she gets angry you’ll give in and give her whatever she wants. Tell her you’re willing to have contact with her again if she gets MH treatment/counselling and treats you respectfully. She’s not going to have a good life if she continues this behaviour with work, family, friends, partners, so it really does need drastic intervention.

Well it would help if @Mumofadultkid came back...! 😅

It’s not really clear how it’s got to this stage, but reading between the lines & about the car, I think you’ve probably been a bit soft on her over the years. And rather than appreciate your generosity & forgiveness, she’s thrown it back in your face.
Quite frankly, (taking your account at face value), she treats everyone in her life like shit. I wouldn’t stand for it. She might be your daughter, but she’s not considering you are her parents when she behaves like this.
Considering how much money you’ve forked out to subsidise her so far, I’d spend a bit of money getting some good legal advice. With the view to evicting her & her bf from your land. If she wants a relationship, she needs to work to rebuild it. As for money going forward, she’d be lucky to get a cuppa tea out of me going forward.
Unfortunately, some people are utter pricks. Doubly unfortunate is when that prick is your child. Doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it though.

Given the past history I’m wondering why on earth you set your own finances back to provide this funding. You’ve been enabling her behaviour with regard to finances for a long time and it needs to stop.

I think @CakeBlanchett has provided an excellent first response, and I’d be doing that, alongside consulting a solicitor on the best way forward. And I would certainly be ready for any trashing of your reputation on SM or anywhere else. You need to go in all guns blazing now, regardless of the effect on the relationship - you’ve put her first for too long and coming up to retirement, you should be putting yourselves first.

I agree with PPs who have read this and think a Personality Disorder may be involved here. The link below might be helpful in trying to develop strategies to help you maintain a relationship with your daughter as you do sound like you want that.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/personality-disorder/helping-someone-diagnosed-with-personality-disorder/

Other things to consider in the longer run are things like Mental Health First Aid courses and support groups, anything to try and help you understand why she is acting the way she is and helping to protect you from the inevitable impact of these situations.

You do sound like you are really trying, I feel for you.

ETA: this isn't to say that your daughter definitely has a PD, just that a lot of the behaviours overlap with what you describe so the same strategies may be useful.

I have a sister like this, she knows everything and is better than everyone! She’s now 50 and is still leeching off our parents. My advice is to cut her off, she’s not suddenly going to become nice just because you keep giving her money.

Top & bottom of it, you can't afford it.

Sell their home & recoup what you can.

I wouldn't give advance notice as she'll probably trash it!

Very sorry to hear of your situation - I asked ChatGPT to draft a letter which is surprisingly good.

Below is a draft of a respectful, calm, and legally aware letter you could send to your daughter and her partner. It avoids emotional escalation, keeps the focus on facts and practicalities, and establishes healthy boundaries.

Subject: Financial Agreement and Future Arrangements

Dear [Daughter's Name] and [Partner's Name],

We want to begin by saying this is not an easy message to write, and it comes after a great deal of thought, emotion, and discussion. Our intention is not to hurt, punish, or distance you — but to bring clarity and boundaries to a situation that has become emotionally and financially unsustainable for us.

As you know, we have supported you in a number of ways over recent years, including:

• Releasing equity from our home to help with your accommodation.
• Taking out a loan in our name.
• Helping with cars and utilities.

While these decisions were made with love, they have placed a significant financial and emotional burden on us, particularly as we move towards retirement. Our expectation was always that the agreed repayments would be honoured. Unfortunately, this has not happened consistently.

We need to be absolutely clear: this arrangement must change.

Going Forward:

1. *Repayment of Loan / Transfer of Debt*

We would like a formal repayment plan to be in place by [insert date, e.g. three months from now]*.

• If this isn’t possible, we will need to explore other legal routes to resolve this.

1. *Use of Land and Services*

• A clear monthly contribution towards electricity, water, and general upkeep.
• Agreement on an end date for this current arrangement if repayment is not made.

1. *Communication*

• We have experienced significant emotional distress as a result of recent messages and actions. We ask that all future communication be kept respectful and be made via email only*.
• Any further personal attacks or defamatory claims will result in us seeking formal protection and ceasing all communication.

A Note from the Heart

We want a healthy relationship with you — one based on mutual respect, honesty, and boundaries. We are open to rebuilding that if and when the situation improves and we are treated with basic courtesy.

At the same time, we have to take care of ourselves. Right now, we feel we are being used without consideration for our wellbeing — emotionally, financially, and personally.

This is not easy. But it is necessary.

We wish you well in your future and hope that in time, a better relationship can emerge.

With love,
[Your Name(s)]

Sorry, I didn't mean this to sound like victim-blaming but I realise it might come across that way. It's entirely possible that your daughter does have a personality disorder, but unfortunately the fact you've not recognised this possibility and therefore how to deal with it has meant that the issues have only deepened over time.

If you can find some professional help it might be of use.

Sadly you have created a monster and now don't know how to control it. I think the only thing you can do now is put a very firm boundary between you and her, tell her exactly like it is - tell her it's time to start behaving like a grown up and being responsible for her own actions. Give her a (short) deadline to get off your land, don't give her any extensions. Get the police involved if she won't get off it by your deadline.

I'd also be pre-empting any storytelling about you by contacting the boyfriend's parents and have a frank conversation with them about what the truthful situation really is. You owe it to them to try and protect their son from being manipulated by your daughter too.

You need professional advice. Legal for yourself and husband's financial situation, and psychiatric for how to deal with your cuckoo of a daughter. It seems unlikely that you wouldn't have tried before now to get psychiatric input as regards her difficulties but then again you seem to believe you can handle this nicely yourself, so maybe it's never occurred to you that she might have what sounds like a major personality disorder? Unaddressed it will ruin her life and that of everyone who loves her. I'm sorry if this sounds unkind, but sleep on it, take some deep breaths, and then get on the phone and talk to trustworthy counsel.

I'm glad that you managed to have it removed.

I had POA for each of my parents and for my late husband. In both cases, the solicitor was careful to ensure that they understood what they were signing. (Only Mum had dementia.). Yes - I can imagine that if someone were to tackle this without a solicitor that it would be easy to commit fraud.

In the case of my husband, the solicitor insisted on speaking to him in private. (DH was older than me and in poor health, so I can quite understand why the solicitor would do this, even though DH's son was named as back-up.)

I'm so sorry that you've had to endure this.

Good point. OP see a solicitor to write your and your dh wills and POA organised so that your dd can never hold this for you or your dh.