Family finances how annoyed would you be

Ah yes and she is providing everything for the kids because they are her kids so DUH and even though they are his kids too it’s not abuse that he doesn’t…
you don’t know what financial abuse is.

Why don’t you agree an amount you both keep for personal use each month.. then everything else is in a joint account for family expenses?

This is not a question of mild annoyance. Your DH is abusive, both financially and emotionally.

This sounds like a fundamental difference in priorities between the two of you. You're trying to create a family that goes on holidays together and prioritises experiences for your children. Your husband seems like he doesn't want to spend money on family holidays nor your children.

He wants to spend any excess money after mortgage and bills on himself. I'm wondering whether he even wanted children deep down and resents the set up you're trying so hard to promote. Is he fully engaged with the children or are you dragging him along for the ride? A lot of men find ways to check out of family life and leave it to the wife. He certainly sees it as your responsibility to pay for your children.

It's become a bit of a power battle and as you've realised you are powerless to get the money out of him. Is it his way at protesting about family life?! I doubt you'd be able to force him to pay up front either no matter what you say to him. His aggressiveness is very effective in getting you to back down.

So what are your options, counselling to get to the bottom of this and come to a compromise or leave the relationship. You can't force your husband to become a family man.

Of course he’s financially abusing her. He’s contributing to the mortgage and household bills and nothing else. She may have a choice about holidays but not about the needs of their children, and he’s not contributing to that either. And when she brings it up he shouts her down to shut down the conversation. That’s abuse in my book.

But he's also forcing her to pay for the kids' expenses even though they earn the same.

He is a twat bit it is not financial abuse, everyoe shouts abuse these days for things that are not abuse.

She is booking holidays because she wants, nobody isputting a gun to her head. She books him because she needs his help during the holiday. She can stop doing thsi when she wants and has been her choice until now. She could stop buying food for him too, stop cooking for him, this is very much in her control, and can stop providing these things for him whenever she wants. It is not fair ans must stop but it is not abuse.

He's awful.. and he's a CF.
He's worked out the best way of manipulating you to pay.. and continues to style it out even when confronted with evidence of total lie.
The fact that you had to record this proves he's done this many times.

What a prince.

he will say...well I shouldn't have to pay I don't want to go

To which your reply is that your joint children want to go - so if he doesn't then he can stay at home provided he pays half of the costs for the children and pays you 50% of the cost of a full time holiday nanny to compensate you for the 50% of the time he should have been looking after the DC whilst away. (50% of the holiday costs would be cheaper...)

How can that be? What else is he spending it on? he needs to justify that.
He looks to you to pay for meals out ...every time? what a free loader!!

Its spreadsheet time.
List all the family things that you have paid for solo..
Put it in categories.
The children's expenses
The meals out
The holiday.
Add it all up...Print it out and hand it to him.

Same deal . What he's spent on family stuff. bills etc..

Ask why the big difference... what has he done with the other half and why is he always broke, or says he is?
Then tell him your proposal..
If you have all this printed out, worked out. ..it will firm up how you say it.. you won't doubt yourself and will be less open to gaslighting and whining and he will find it hard not to agree to joint pot for joint expenses ( tho you will have to watch that he doesn't under pay into that with a poor me excuse)

If they are his children he should be responsible for 50% of all their costs. If he is coming on the holiday he should be contributing his share and half the children’s.

Really why are you accepting this? He bites your head off? Bite his head off! Stick up for yourself. Stop being a doormat.

I couldn’t do this. Would give me the ick so badly I would leave him.

Gambling? You need to find out where his money goes
Mine paid extra into his pension, without a word, goodness knows what else he does, as he’s very secretive

OP I feel for you having had a similar situation with my DH previously. I was paying for a lot more until I put my foot down and gave him the option of either paying equally for kids clothes, activities, days out, things for the house, Xmas and Bdays. OR he could sort it all and take on the admin and I would pay half. You can probably guess which option he went for I had to do a hard reset to get to that by handing over the full Xmas prep, from teacher cards to seeing Santa and everything inbetween. My kids are older now and I take them away when it suits me and pay for everything, i dont take my DH. The last time I did this he gave me £1000 without me asking. In terms of household chores we now split cooking, I do cleaning and laundry, he does DIY. This suits us both as we have a renovation ongoing and we save so much money by him doing the work. Our next family holiday he has paid for and I have a standing order set up to pay my half monthly. This is easier than me constantly chasing payment because I paid for it. Finally my kids know and appreciate what I did for them, they tell DH openly that he doesn't take them anywhere etc, he doesn't like it but it's true. I spend time with my kids and if it involves my spending more money so be it but then I don't invite him along for a free ride. You can reset but you have to be really honest with yourself. Take him off both holiday bookings unless he is paying, take someone else or lose the money to make your point. You absolutely can look after your children abroad, once you have done it you will have so much more confidence. It is really liberating. Please know your worth and value and make sure you tell him too x

Don’t pay for him to come on holiday. If you need the help, bring a friend. I highly doubt he is much help though. Stop doing his laundry, don’t cook for him.

This doesn’t make sense. Why would you pay for all the kids expenses when you have the same income??
Tell him now that from next month he is paying 100% of all bills, in addition to 50% of the mortgage, and you are paying for the kids expenses. If he says he has no money tell him that you don’t have any either as you earn the same.
Re holidays. He should pay half otherwise he doesn’t go. But stop booking things and then expecting him to pay! Ask him for the money first (half the total cost, not just his plane ticket).

if You both earn the same, what is he spending all of his money on?

He’s not very nice OP. He turns it into a blazing row to make you back down because he knows it’s completely unfair.

You don’t have three kids… you’ve got three kids and a manchild. Stop funding him and make him do some bloody house work.

The reason it turns into a row every time is to shut you up - if he makes himself unpleasant it shuts things down. I just wouldn’t put up with it and it would be a deal breaker. You both need to sit down and be honest and open about joint income. Split EVERYTHING 50/50, including all the stuff for the kids and then anything left you decide jointly how it’s spent. He can’t just see to himself and then tell you ‘tough I’ve got no money’ and leave you to get on with it I’d be making it clear that it’s either a sit down talk and a reshuffle of the finances to a full 50/50 split or you’re rethinking the marriage. He’s a twat.

Edited to say having a penis doesn’t excuse him from housework/childcare - if you’re both working that should be a 50/50 split too.

Also really doubt he's that useful on holiday - might find it's easier without him! I wouldn't be paying for him to join me anywhere from now on, loads of people travel alone with their kids - or you could bring a friend / sibling / whatever if there are additional needs that need extra support.

And ....

After 50 percent of bills you pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if you go out for food he looks at you to pay.

Why exactly is he there? No one is that good in bed.

Why are you paying for everything?
Stop.

Why on earth aren't children expenses coming out of the join account? Surely this is exactly what a join account is for - joint expenditure?

And the holiday, I'd be changing the name and taking my mum or a mate or just going on my own if that isn't an option. You can manage 3 primary school age children at home you can manage on holiday (& I can't imagine he's much help anyway!).

Whilst you're sorting to redress the balance on your finances, I'd also be looking at the division of labour too as it's bloody ridiculous you're doing everything when you both work full time. He sounds like one of those lazy fuckers that will be quite happy to do bare minimum & leave everything to you. Tell him what nights he's cooking, give him laundry or specific household tasks and stop doing them. And if he won't step up, stop all cooking and laundry for him so he has to at least do his own and then seriously consider if this is how you want to live and model relationships to your children.

This. 100%