Family finances how annoyed would you be

You earn the same, you pay all the children expenses yet he has no money? What is he spending it on? Why are you doing all the chores?
If you want to continue in this marriage, sit him down when the kids are not around and he’s not tired. Lay it out for him. You both earn X. Household bills, car, food, CLEANER, childcare, children clothes/clubs etc comes to Y. You open a household account and both put in enough money to cover this. Then open a savings account that you both put an equal amount in for holidays/Christmas type things. Have it automatically transferred from your individual accounts every month. What’s left over in your own accounts can be spent as you individually wish.
Don’t ask him. Say this is a reasonable thing to do in a partnership with equal salaries and equal responsibilities. If he refuses then really think about what this tells you about how he feels about you all as a family.

@Bumcake is that about the op or are you replying to another posters info?

I've voted YABU. and you are- for putting up with this scrotum of a human. I haven't even read all your posts (sorry) but he sounds like an absolute dead weight tbh.

bites your head off when you ask about him paying

so biting your head off works....

Id be planning holidays for you and the children

Next year I would go without him. Even if it's a nightmare handing all the kids on your own if still do it. My neighbour left her husband at home because we was refusing to get a job, and went with their young son abroad. They ended up making friends with other 'single' Mums and their kids, who were a great to support. She made friends for life. They're all planning on going in holiday together again next year. Please do it. Don't let him being a knobhead hold you back in life. Xx

I’d be wanting to see his account statements to find out what he’s spending it all on, because you are saving him a fortune by paying for all the DC’s things and food out.

I think divorce would be better. Do you really want to grow old with someone who doesn’t respect you.
OP I put YABU because you are allowing this to happen. Next time you out look to your husband every time he looks at you to pay.

You had one kid that he refused to contribute towards, why have two more? I wouldn’t even want to look at the cheapskate waster let alone bang him.

Still, that’s history I guess. All you can do now is cut him loose.

Oh dear OP, this doesn’t sound good. I was in the same position with XH in 2010, my respect for him gradually died and we divorced in 2016. Both his behaviour (entitled, gaslighting freeloader) and mine (obstinate martyr) got more and more entrenched and we couldn’t row it back.

I have been in your situation - blazing rows, or no holiday. For the sake of the kids I pay. I think a lot of posters here are quick to tell you you are being a mug, but if someone win’t co-operate the only options are (1) rows (2) no holiday (3) you pay & put in all the effort (4) divorce. The fourth option is pretty nuclear tbh. I have thought about divorce a lot but ultimately would be worse off in thd short term.

So what is he spending his money on?

You need to show him a breakdown of all that you spend in a month and ask him to do the same. He is an unreasonable CF from what I can see.

I would lay odds that he will decide that only he should attend. Have you checked on the CMS calculator what he would have to contribute if you were divorced?

So where is his money going? If it's gambling or paying for sex then your marriage is over anyway.

If he's saving it and pretending to be broke then your marriage is still over but in a divorce you might get 50% of that back.

Your only real option is divorce. If you stay then stop spending on him and use that money on yourself to get therapy to find out why you think you deserve to be treated so appallingly, because quite frankly there is no other reason on why a person would accept this. You DO deserve better.

So he needs to save at the beginning of the month. No-one would have savings if they just spent what they wanted and then looked at the bank account at the end of the month.

If your mortgage and bills come to £2k a month then you each need to paying £1500 into a joint account, with the rest going towards kids and holidays.

Are you sure he isn’t hiding his own money troubles?

I think you need to get to the bottom of that and then look at re-configuring how you split your money.

My husband earns more than me, however we still split the “bills” equally. We both then transfer a set amount into a joint account to cover misc spends for the month such as food, meals out and things needed for our boys. Should the joint account need topping up as we’ve had an expensive month, he does that.

We both contribute to our savings, again he contributes more as he has more surplus. Any holidays/weekends away come from savings we’ve accumulated the years before. This leaves us both with “our own” money to spend how we wish and gives us both our own financial freedom as well.

If you pay for all the extras he must have money left over somewhere

Wow if it’s got to the point that you’re recording conversations to prove back to him what he’s agreed to there’s a problem.

If you are married with children, and you plan on staying married, and you trust each other and see yourselves as a team, then you should have a joint account.

OP. you need to download the MSE budget planner, then enter all your expenses on there, both monthly and annually. then you enter both of your incomes onto it as well.

He will need to cooperate fully with this, and provide all bank and credit card statements. You sit down together and do this, and then both of you can see exactly how much money is needed for the family each month and you both pay 50/50.

They aren't just your kids, they are his too.

You would probably be better off on your own, with less costs and without him to worry about and less housework too.

He is a selfish pig, not a family man.

Find a friend to go on holiday with in the future. They can pay their own way, but they can pay what it costs to add them on.

So where is all his money going??

You said you earned the same yet your paying for holidays, clothing, days out, etc with your wage so what is he spending all his money on??

We keep separate finances but we have a joint account for all joint expenses (eg days out, kids clothes, holidays, etc as well as bills, mortgage, childcare, food). We put an equal amount into it and it pays for everything. I’ll
occasionally pay for extra days out from ‘my money’ if I take them out without my husband but anything family we pay out of the joint account. I paid for a week away recently out of my money because I took our boys with my mum and my husband only came on the weekend but he offered to pay half of it or for me to take it out of the joint account even though he was only going to be there for 1/4 of the holiday but I was happy to pay for it as an extra.

Honestly OP you need to sit him down and sort this out with him. He needs to contribute towards your children, if he refuses then you’d probably get more out of him through child maintenance.

You are letting yourself be taken for a ride. I would not be staying married to him.

Sorry OP sounds like you’re being properly mugged off. I can’t imagine the world in which my partner didn’t contribute to things like this…

firstly he’s an absolute cock lodger. He pays half the bills but you pick up EVERYTHING else!

secondly he’s an absolute lazy twat. He does NOTHING, you pick up all the childcare, cooking and cleaning.

come on op, you surely can’t have to ask if you’re being unreasonable here?!

from next month on you both need to put an extra amount of ££’s into a joint account for holidays and stuff for the children. You need to stop paying for anything over and above.

as for the housework and childcare, if he won’t contribute he doesn’t get his food cooked or his laundry done.

tbh apart from some help with the dc on holiday what is the point of him

or more children

Hopefully that is where it goes as then she can get her share in the divorce.