Page 7 | Family finances how annoyed would you be

pipthomson · 05/06/2025 18:13

You are enabling this it will stop when you want it to
you need to toughen up and set some sensible boundaries
this would help your self esteem and create a better balance in the relationship

OnARainyDay2012 · 05/06/2025 18:13

You need a joint account which all your money jointly goes into. You agree a "spending money" amount which you both get to spend as you please. Everything else is joint. I could understand a bit more if your earnings were very different but you said they're similar. Likewise household stuff you need to track everything you do for a week. Then work out how to split it equally. But of course he'll have to agree ...

Thalia31 · 05/06/2025 18:11

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:27

Then he will say he never agreed to the holiday in the first place which is a lie. This year I actually recorded the holiday convo before we booked and sent him ir. When u reminded him of this last week when he started he just said well I have no money so tough

The fact you have to record your husband tell us everything leave him!!

confidenceboost · 05/06/2025 18:10

I am a wife of my husband and I don’t pay for anything
it needs more context for me to say, if he expects you to pay and he can then that’s gross
if he goes with you and you choose and you book and he doesn’t have that money but you do, then it’s a bit different

confidenceboost · 05/06/2025 18:09

Depends what you guys earn

Thalia31 · 05/06/2025 18:08

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:06

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

Everyday I see things like this I'm so grateful I'm single and thriving.

Cacophonist · 05/06/2025 18:02

Hold on a second. You came into some money? If you had a windfall and he was expecting you to pick up a bit more of the slack this year because of that, or if you say you're on the same salary but you receive a bonus and he doesn't, it's down to the both of you to decide whether to split all your income or not but itemising things he hasn't paid towards without agreeing what happens with a windfall could lead to the problem you have.

C36M · 05/06/2025 18:01

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:06

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

It sounds like her probably has debts or isn’t budgeting correctly and that’s why he gets angry

C36M · 05/06/2025 17:59

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:06

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

You shouldn’t have facilitated this behaviour too long. It should have been 50/50 for everything from the start. Talk with him again about it and if he causes an argument walk away from the relationship.

Grammarninja · 05/06/2025 17:57

Gah! Haven't read responses because you're not being unreasonable! No one should be in a relationship like this! I'm not one to support ditching marriage easily but you need to!

ScartlettSole · 05/06/2025 17:55

TheBlueUniform · 04/06/2025 09:51

I find it bizzare that a couple decide to spend their lives together, buy a home together, get married, have 3 kids together, yet have separate finances, even though legally it’s all one point and joint.

If it was all in one pot it wouldn’t be a case of his/mine, because it would be a joint account so this wouldn’t be an issue.

Edited

My husband and I have separate finances. We pay bills 50/50 but whatevers left is our own. That way if i want to buy random shit i can. Same with him.
The difference is holidays are halved and so are kids expenses.

Vicki85 · 05/06/2025 17:55

You say you need him to help with the children but can you not take granny / grandpa or even a girly friend who knows your children?
Anyone other than the leech of a husband.

Pebblebeach2 · 05/06/2025 17:52

We have a credit card which we put all child or family related expenses on to eg; groceries, new school shoes, school trips, meals out then we split it at the end of the month. Works perfectly and everyone knows where they stand. We have a pretty similar salary and also split household bills roughly equally.

Bwitched1 · 05/06/2025 17:51

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:06

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

I'm sorry but that family holiday would be me going on my own with my DC. The idiot husband can stay home and eat TV dinners

FedupofArsenalgame · 05/06/2025 11:35

How about holiday MINUS the DH? You forgot that one

Theroadt · 04/06/2025 19:25

arethereanyleftatall · 04/06/2025 18:52

Just to add to the point I made to @Theroadt- I am sorry you find yourself in this awful situation. But the op has written a post that basically says ‘I do 90% of the work, my husband does 10%; am I right to be annoyed.’ So not only is she in a thoroughly horrible unequal marriage, but she doesn’t even know it 😢 There are women, the op, who are genuinely asking if it’s ok to be cross that they do loads more. These are women who only know that the bar for men should be set so so much lower than the bar for women. Perhaps they were modelled that by their parents.

That’s a fair point you make - and yes, it’s absolutely something she shouldn’t put up with, and she needs to be aware it’s not acceptable.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/06/2025 18:52

Just to add to the point I made to @Theroadt- I am sorry you find yourself in this awful situation. But the op has written a post that basically says ‘I do 90% of the work, my husband does 10%; am I right to be annoyed.’ So not only is she in a thoroughly horrible unequal marriage, but she doesn’t even know it 😢 There are women, the op, who are genuinely asking if it’s ok to be cross that they do loads more. These are women who only know that the bar for men should be set so so much lower than the bar for women. Perhaps they were modelled that by their parents.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/06/2025 18:29

Theroadt · 04/06/2025 14:31

I have been in your situation - blazing rows, or no holiday. For the sake of the kids I pay. I think a lot of posters here are quick to tell you you are being a mug, but if someone win’t co-operate the only options are (1) rows (2) no holiday (3) you pay & put in all the effort (4) divorce. The fourth option is pretty nuclear tbh. I have thought about divorce a lot but ultimately would be worse off in thd short term.

you should divorce for the sake of your kids.

that would be the most pleasant option for them.

living with people rowing as per option 1 is horrible

option 3 of carrying on doing everything and saying nothing is the worst by far. It might be ok now, although it’s probably combined with option 1 so not very pleasant. But far far worse, is what you’re modelling. This will be what your children learn - that women run themselves ragged, and men do what they like. It’s a terrible message. It means that in twenty years time, your daughters will be writing a message like the ops, having made a terrible choice in husband because her bar will be so so low.

Elsvieta · 04/06/2025 17:44

You're married - why is it even possible for it to be a case of he pays / she pays? It's like saying one of the kids is yours and the other is his, or some rooms of the house are his and some are yours. One joint account: all money goes into it, all money comes out of it. Money is joint (like the kids, and your home). Because you're married. Why would you tolerate anything else? Put your foot down.

MoodSwingSet · 04/06/2025 16:17

What would happen when he looks at you when you're eating out, and you look right back and say 'I've paid the last time, your turn now'

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 04/06/2025 16:11

Buy him nothing. Not even food.
Don't pay for meals out. Just sit there and look at him.
Don't pay for holidays.

And look to leave the selfish bastard.

caringcarer · 04/06/2025 15:49

Leave him home next time. You and DC go on holiday.

S0j0urn4r · 04/06/2025 15:31

I can't see how you'd be worse off if you split. You're paying for everything anyway.

MoominMai · 04/06/2025 15:28

Bumcake · 04/06/2025 14:40

You had one kid that he refused to contribute towards, why have two more? I wouldn’t even want to look at the cheapskate waster let alone bang him.

Still, that’s history I guess. All you can do now is cut him loose.

Yeah that would be a pretty big turn off if the father of my 3(!) children despite earning same as me was incapable of jointly contributing to all their needs yet is able to swan off on 1.5k lads holiday. He sounds a petty tight man child.

@worriedmum8686 i agree with some of the previous great PP advice to give him a chance to explain why he is incapable of contributing equally to all aspects of HIS family’s life. If you’re not satisfied then there’s some hard thinking to do. At this rate, unless you uncover some sort of gambling addiction, I’d think he’s putting money away for a ‘rainy day’ 🤔

WordsFailMeYetAgain · 04/06/2025 15:03

mondaytosunday · 04/06/2025 15:00

You earn the same, you pay all the children expenses yet he has no money? What is he spending it on? Why are you doing all the chores?
If you want to continue in this marriage, sit him down when the kids are not around and he’s not tired. Lay it out for him. You both earn X. Household bills, car, food, CLEANER, childcare, children clothes/clubs etc comes to Y. You open a household account and both put in enough money to cover this. Then open a savings account that you both put an equal amount in for holidays/Christmas type things. Have it automatically transferred from your individual accounts every month. What’s left over in your own accounts can be spent as you individually wish.
Don’t ask him. Say this is a reasonable thing to do in a partnership with equal salaries and equal responsibilities. If he refuses then really think about what this tells you about how he feels about you all as a family.

This is EXCELLENT advice!! 100% agree