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Original poster

Family finances how annoyed would you be

392 replies

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:06

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

OP posts:
Ffsakexx · 07/06/2025 22:27

Why tf are you allowing this! he sounds like a selfish prick and I for one wouldn't allow my supposed partner in life to use and treat me like this. You deserve better!

DaisyChain505 · 07/06/2025 21:54

You’re being made an absolute fool of.

Why are you paying for everything for the kids.

Speak up, get this sorted or better yet leave.

No man who truly respected you, saw you as an equal partner and your family as a team would be treating you like this.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/06/2025 21:52

Reading this I’m thinking wow

but I’ve been there and sadly easy to fall into that trap - so don’t feel bad

it’s easy for people outside a relationship to give advise and think you are mad etx

if you earn the same then both wages should go into a joint account and pay for all joint things like kids holidays etx

and both get given the same spending money as such from it to do with what each wants

what is he spending his money on?

Coco1379 · 07/06/2025 21:50

Maybe reduce your share of the bills by half of the holiday cost?

pipthomson · 07/06/2025 21:45

Do you have a friend/confidante nearby and have you been forced to downsize your support network ?

Tanjamaltija · 07/06/2025 21:27

So, do not go on holiday, or tell him he has to pay his own way.

B33cka8 · 07/06/2025 19:50

nomas · 03/06/2025 23:25

Tell him both salaries need to go in a joint account, and all kids stuff, meals out and holidays are paid out of that.

You each get a set amount of spending money.

Surplus money goes into a joint savings account and any use of the savings account has to be jointly decided.

He is taking you for an absolute mug.

If he doesn’t agree, divorce him. He is pretending to the world he is a family man at the expense of your money and your effort in the house and with the kids.

Edited
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I wouldn't trust this man with a joint account nor a joint savings account!

Kidznurse · 07/06/2025 19:49

We put everything into one joint account, the bills come out if that as well as all our regular spending for food, petrol, holidays, kids activities etc. If one of us wants to buy something expensive we talk about it. It’s worked well for is so far.

B33cka8 · 07/06/2025 19:48

Supersimkin7 · 03/06/2025 23:09

Nip this one in the bud.

CF at work. No holidays for him till
he pays his way, and his children’s.

The fact that he doesn't pay anything for his kids is WILD

NJC7 · 07/06/2025 19:18

just read through your replies on this post - do you even like each other? Recording conversations so that you can prove to him what he said? Why are you still together? Very odd

BossSaru · 07/06/2025 19:08

His behaviour sounds as if he may have debts or high costs (gambling, etc) that you do not know about.

Happydays2025 · 07/06/2025 18:27

ScartlettSole · 05/06/2025 17:55

My husband and I have separate finances. We pay bills 50/50 but whatevers left is our own. That way if i want to buy random shit i can. Same with him.
The difference is holidays are halved and so are kids expenses.

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Or you put a little bit of the joint income into a pot for each other each month. Splitting every bill what a faff honestly
What's mine is yours but not money?
God what happened to society

Happydays2025 · 07/06/2025 18:24

grumpygrape · 05/06/2025 22:36

I'm a very old person with outdated views apparently but I don't understand a marriage where there is a concept of 'my money' and 'their money'. Even if you aren't religious don't the concepts of sickness, health and worldly goods apply ?

I'm 35 and I think exactly the same as you.
I think the OP has bigger problems in the marriage but generally I think it's super wierd to think about money seperately when you are meant to be a team
My salary is 3 x my husband's but that does not give a right to hang on to a portion

Happydays2025 · 07/06/2025 18:20

DearDenimEagle · 07/06/2025 07:24

He doesn’t even like you. Or the kids. Thats not a marriage. Sorry but you should rethink life

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Settle down pal no need to be unpleasant

Happydays2025 · 07/06/2025 18:20

Splitting bills as a married couple is wierd AF. Unless you have a prenup or something, all your money and assets are jointly owned why make it so complicated. If you split you would have entitlement to half of everything. I can honestly say I've never had an arguement with my OH about money. Income is joint, outgoings are joint, if we mess up and overspend it's joint too.
I'm the breadwinner and that really does not make a difference

DearDenimEagle · 07/06/2025 07:24

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:27

Then he will say he never agreed to the holiday in the first place which is a lie. This year I actually recorded the holiday convo before we booked and sent him ir. When u reminded him of this last week when he started he just said well I have no money so tough

He doesn’t even like you. Or the kids. Thats not a marriage. Sorry but you should rethink life

Ladygardenerderby · 06/06/2025 16:58

Not sure why you are paying for all the stuff to do with the kids , clothes activities etc are they not his children ? Anyway re holidays I would say to him in future you’ll not be included in any bookings I make but I woukd became sure I’d be constantly asking for his half of the upcoming holiday . I do feel that you’re being taken for a mug here

Grammarninja · 06/06/2025 16:47

Infuriating! I don't know how you can even look at him tbh.

petmad · 06/06/2025 13:52

Youre both the parents you both should pay equal get a joint account work out the bills 50/50. If he suggests going out for meals get the money upfront if not dont go

Aquathest · 06/06/2025 11:20

@worriedmum8686 no one has the perfect relationship and there are things we may look back on and wish we had done differently. But in the here and now you are already annoyed because you know this is not how a relationship with a ‘dear husband’ should look or work.

Not only is this situation damaging for you as the ‘partner’ but think about what it is teaching your children.

He is not contributing to family life in a way a committed partner and parent would want to, without being asked.

Your husband is showing you who he is, so you might just need to believe him…

Hopingtobeaparent · 06/06/2025 10:06

myrtle70 · 04/06/2025 10:45

Having been in this situation (but with less money) the OP is not ‘allowing it’. She can’t control how he behaves. People don’t announce they are selfish pricks they tend to hide this and it becomes apparent slowly. It’s difficult to end a relationship over the cost of an holiday or money once you already have dc. Sometimes it’s when the novelty of parenting wears off and the other parent resents the impact of dc on finances and hobbies having originally been positive and promising to share things fairly that problems emerge.

It’s no different to (usually) men who don’t do their share childcare or housework having promised to be ‘hands on’ - or the (usually) women who avoid going back to work after dc and don’t financially contribute. Lots of people end up in situations once dc are on scene where one partner selfishly shifts the goalposts from what the couple agreed pre dc in their favour and it stops being a proper partnership.

OP clearly wants to give her dc a lovely childhood and he knows this and is gambling she won’t want to blow up the family over his behaviour - which is basically her only choice. You can’t actually force another adult to act fairly. This is 100% on him.

This. Regardless to the background context, this is where you are at, this is how he’s behaving, and how he’s seeing/using you in the family dynamic.

It is now up to you to what you do with this information moving forward, what your boundaries are, and what you’re willing to accept and tolerate.

Hopingtobeaparent · 06/06/2025 09:53

dustygrey · 04/06/2025 09:02

if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

Well look fucking back at him, and tell him to get his wallet out

Absolutely! It’s your turn, sunshine!!

Hopingtobeaparent · 06/06/2025 09:48

myrtle70 · 03/06/2025 23:53

My exH was like this. It’s not just about the money (although resentment about that can kill a marriage) it’s that he’s behaving as though dc are your sole responsibility. Did he want dc? Ex later said he hadn’t been bothered and had dc because I wanted to - sadly he didn’t say this at the time or let me know in advance he’d expect me to fund them solo.

You need full financial disclosure eg he could have savings or paying extra into pension you know nothing about. Or be gambling.

Dont spend any extra money on him above essential bills eg cancel tv subscriptions or memberships that come out of joint account. Prioritise saving up an escape fund as I think you will need one. And a uni fund for dc as he clearly won’t be contributing.

If he won’t change then you are incompatible as have totally different values about responsibility and he’s incredibly selfish. Ex also claimed to be just crap with money but in reality he knew exactly what he was doing taking advantage of me knowing I wouldn’t let dc go without. Financially I was better off cutting him loose.

Sorry, OP, but I think this.

Hopingtobeaparent · 06/06/2025 09:43

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:20

No I do the school run because his commute is longer

I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing I am really feeling burnt out. He tells me that he has no money left at end of the month.

Then where is the rest of his money going?

Hopingtobeaparent · 06/06/2025 09:39

IamSmarticus · 03/06/2025 23:09

YABU for putting up with it! I wouldn't be booking any more holidays, well not for him anyway.

This. And given everything else is halves and balanced 50:50, and you’re incomes are pretty much the same, personally if I were you I’d just go into it with just the expectation that he pays half, as he should, not ask him what he is going to contribute!! Do you/can you have a joint savings pot? Holiday fund that you both equally put towards?

Please don’t let his unreasonable behaviour mean you stop fighting for fairness. Let it be an indicator to you about who he really is. He is doing the bare minimum. What else is he also not doing?

Has he got hidden gambling issues or debt stuff which is making him behave differently? Like you say though, he paid for his own holiday….

Indeed, I’d be reviewing your options, and not just about whether you take him on your holiday with you again in future!!

Good luck!

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