Family finances how annoyed would you be

These are all household bills. Why are they coming out of personal spending? Use your joint account to pay for them. You both need to top up more per month. No money in joint account for holiday, no holiday. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You’ve been a bit of an idiot about this, sorry.

Why would you want to remain married to a man who says he won't pay for a family holiday because he didn't want to go? FFS listen to what he's actually telling you. I cannot imagine he is actually any help at all with the kids. If you really need help and he won't pay, pay for a nanny when you get there. Will cost you the same and you won't have to put up with his mardy arse.

Joint accounts are not the issue - DH and I have never had one but we've never had problems sorting out who is paying for what. Your issue is your DH is a prick.

He's a horrible family man! Selfish and aggressive when you mention it.

So he's a lodger?
So you don't need to cook for him or do his laundry.
Offer his place on the holiday to a friend or family member..

If your DH has no money left at the end of the month then he clearly has money management issues. Call his bluff. Tell him he needs help to manage his money better and now both wages will be paid into a joint account. Or tell him you’ve booked an appointment with CAB to help look through his statements and budget better. His reaction to this will be very telling. Unfortunately this situation should have never started in the first place so changing it now is going to be difficult as you have enabled him to pay less than you for so long. But please stay strong and make this change.

Sorry but you're being unreasonable to have put up with it and to have got yourself 3 kids in with someone so unapologetically selfish. He's basically just ripping you off. It's sad but I think you're married to a person who cares much more about himself than you -- and it sounds like he thinks he can yell and ignore his way out of any accountability.

That sort of person would infuriate me. I couldn't be married to him.

Girl, you’re being taken for an absolute ride here. And besides the finances, he sounds like an absolute pig. Why are you putting up with this?

On a side note, I know you have 3 primary children but could you not bring them away on your own? Or with a friend/parent maybe? I would be kicking him off this holiday. He can spend £££ on a holiday for himself but contributes nothing to his children’s holiday? He’s disgraceful.

I would seriously consider ending the relationship over this continued treatment. This is not a partnership, or a marriage.

Him biting your head of is him trying to train you not to bring it up.

What are you really getting from this marriage it doesnt sound remotely like a partnership?

In your original post, you said: "both work full time and earn the same salary. "

WHERE is the rest of his money going? And WHY have you spent all these years paying what should be joint bills out of the rest of your salary?

Honestly? This would be a deal breaker for me.

Wheres all his money going..? Drugs? Booze? Random shit?

this is why me and my dh have joint finances.

It’s difficult to advise here as it’s absolutely obvious to everyone, including the both of you presumably, that this is grossly unfair and frankly ridiculous.
but what makes it difficult to advise on, is that you’ve just gone along with it, and gone on to have 3 kids.
I just don’t get how the conversation went
Bob ‘so let’s each put £500 in to the account to pay for bills’
Sue (surely) ‘actually it’ll need to be £1000 to cover kids stuff too.’

or when the kids need new stuff ‘your turn Bob, I got it last time.’

are you going on similar girls holidays? If not, why not? Have you considered divorce? This doesn’t seem a pleasant way to live.

You need to see a lawyer and see how much money you would get in child support if you divorced this useless sack of 💩

You know he won't pay you back so stop booking holidays for a start or at least book cheaper ones. Book a week away in a caravan or cottage tell him what week you have booked and say if you wish to come it is x amount. Stop enabling his behaviour and use the amount you would have spent on expensive holidays to leave him

if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

Well look fucking back at him, and tell him to get his wallet out

I love it when a first post nails it.

Why are you letting him do this? You're the only one that can stop it.
Stop adding him to holidays, stop buying food for him etc

I agree with this. That's how our finances are ordered. We have our own current accounts but transfer everything except the same amount of personal spends into a joint current account and joint savings account when we get paid.

They earn the same

Where is his money going?

Well clearly he's a dick because he doesnt think it's his job to finance his children, do much parenting or do any house work either.

OP, I'm sorry, but this man doesn't respect or love you.

Call Womens aid.
This is financial abuse.
Stop spending money and start saving money to get rid of this loser.
Tell family and friends the truth.
He refuses to pay one penny towards his children.
I feel so sorry for your children with this loser in their life.
When he shouts you down he is abusing you.

Good call @worriedmum8686 to make him book and pay for the family wedding. Don't back down!!

So let's take holidays - when you discuss booking them, do you say 'that would come to around 6k so will need 3k from you, when do you think you'll have that?' And he says 'soon' and then it never happens?
Or is it more of a 'I'm thinking of booking Disney for us, do these dates next year work, probs will be about 6k' and he goes 'fine' and then it never happens?
Just trying to understand if he's going back on what you have explicitly agreed and is a dick, or if he's stupid and a dick because he doesn't connect the making plans with money coming out of his bank account. Which is more annoying somehow because he is an adult who should be able to work that out himself!!

Stay with him and you will always be poor.

Sit down on your own once kids are in bed and work out a survival budget. What is needed to keep the house over your head. Exclude his wage. Add single person council tax. Explore benefit options for single person and child tax credits etc. Be ruthless about your budget. Consider if family will support you for a short duration.

Can you manage? Is he in the sort of job he'd have to pay child maintenance? I.e not self employed. Add that in. Then ditch the selfish git.

One day after you have carried the family he will have an affair possibly. At that point you will be forced to make these decisions. Better to do it now when all future money isn't given to him

You really need to be honest and talk with a family member or friend you trust be frank with you. If you were my friend or sister I'd tell you he isn't worthy of you and you should consider divorce. You shouldn't be doing everything for your family, working full time and then paying for everything related to the kids needs. I'd be concerned about a gambling addict and have wanted to see full financial transparency before having kids. It's a little late for that now but surely you can see this relationship isn't tenable and if you can't then you really do need some form of therapy.

You are being gaslit and trodden on. Start seeing what is infront of your eyes. Is there really noone else who could have come on holiday with you instead and why is it that you can't mange your children on your own? Is it their ages, sen?

I don't see how you can continue with this relationship or even why you would but honestly you seem blind to the way he is behaving.

Can you change the name on the ticket and take your mum or a friend with you? No way would I be putting up with this. Honestly from what you have said, you would be better off single.