Family finances how annoyed would you be

swap him out on the holiday for a friend who’d be delighted of a free break. That way you have help and he doesn’t get to freeload his way to Disneyland or whatever. I hate stingy men, it’s so not a good look, especially when they don’t want to pay for their own children. Gross.

How did you get into this arrangement to start with? How did you become responsible for all the kids' expenses?

He's not on your team, he isn't contributing
Yabu to put up with this nonsense

You are being unreasonable for allowing this to happen and for so long.
I certainlyy would not put up with this. He doesn't show any signs of changing despite you mentioning it. So if he won't change then you have to.

Stop making food for him. Stop doing any washing for him and stop paying for holidays. I would also be plotting my escape from this man who shows no desire to be a team player.

Your whole system is out of whack with no teamwork or partnership.

I would tell him that you will not pay for anymore joint expenses and that there needs to be a different system.

I would suggest one joint household / family account that pays for home (rent or mortgage) all bills, all family groceries, kids expenses, family meals, days out and holidays. Kids birthday and Christmas presents.

Work out the budget for this allowing for all one off expenses, then you each set up a standing order for pay day paying your share in. Have the child benefit paid into this account.

Then the rest is personal spending or saving in your sole accounts.

He is a parasitic leech at the moment.

I would tell him that you both instigate this system or you will not pay a further penny for him. But you will have to stick to it.

You have yourself a cock lodger and a probably inadequate occasional childminder.
Go. And when you do, take half. And I’m including his pensions and all the savings he’s stashed away.
This ‘man’ is a walking ick.

Set up accounts tonight on monzo - 2 personal and one joint.

All money goes to new joint account.
Distributed back to your old personals for any bills.

All he needs to know:
All spending on new cards.
White is family and pre-loaded with x amount - stay in the budget
Red is your own personal. Preloaded with x amount. - that’s his to piss up the wall if he desires.

Fuck resetting finances, or working out how much your joint kids are costing you on your own.

He is a disrespectful twat, thoroughly contemptuous of you and will never willingly change.

I don’t know about you, but by now I’d have lost all respect and attraction for this pathetic sponger. He’d be out on his ear with a nice fat CMS claim on the way.

So if you both earn the same and go 50/50 on bills, why on earth are you tolerating having to pay everything for the children and what on earth is he spending the rest of his money on?! That’s what you need to find out!
You’re enabling this

If your thought process reading all this is ‘but I don’t want to split my family up’ here’s the harsh truth - your family consists only of you and your children already. It’s already split up because of him.

@worriedmum8686 i would not be booking any further holidays full stop!! what is he doing with his money?? that is the big question. if you can manage to pay all those other things then so can he. Incidentally, what happens at christmas time?? do you also buy presents for his side of the family without any financial input from him? that wont be happening this year, will it????

op - I’m afraid your vote is absolutely pointless.

The Yanbu voters are because obviously you should be annoyed with this (and said no a decade ago)
the Yabu voters are incredulous as to why you do it.

your question ‘would you be annoyed with this’ is also not going to get many responses, as it’s actually a ‘no, because I wouldn’t be living like this.’

You felt it necessary to record a conversation about a family holiday? Your marriage is over, I reckon

I’m not sure the money is the only problem here, is it?

He sounds awful!

YABU to enable and tolerate this shit.

Stop making meals for him or doing laundry. If he can't come up with the money for his place then he simply doesn't go. To be honest he seems like he is not much use to you.

This doesn’t sound like much of a partnership.

I couldn’t live like this personally - money is shared for us

Honestly YABU because I don’t understand why on earth you stand for this and allow it to happen

You’ve made a start with saying you will do nothing about the wedding on his side of the family. Do not back down. No more meals out with him there. Unless you’re brave enough to tell him he’s paying, and leave your purse at home.

Stop doing his laundry.

Can you take another adult on holiday instead?

I find it bizzare that a couple decide to spend their lives together, buy a home together, get married, have 3 kids together, yet have separate finances, even though legally it’s all one point and joint.

If it was all in one pot it wouldn’t be a case of his/mine, because it would be a joint account so this wouldn’t be an issue.

OP, please do not move to a single account with both your whole salaries paid into it, as some PP suggest.

At the moment, you are subsidising DH , but at least you have control over the cash going out. He is saying he's out of money at the end of every month, despite this subsidy, so unless his commute is really expensive he doesn't appear to be that good at managing his finances.
If you have a single account, he would have direct access to your whole salary, and you'll have no control over what he spends it on.
I'd suggest a 'family expenditure' account that you both agree to put 50% into, for all children's costs, house bills, holidays etc. Then you can each keep your own cash outside that, and use it how you wish.

His money is either being spent on things it shouldn’t be and he his hiding that from you, or he is lying and saving the money for himself.

In good marriages, there should be a family budget where both partners are open about their income and expenditure and costs that should fall to both of you - everything the children need and holidays etc, should be covered by both (albeit in proportion to income). And don’t get me started on his refusal to do any housework.

I’m sorry, OP, but this is not a good man and you are not in a good marriage. I would go as far as to say that if he refuses to discuss this like a grown up and start paying equally and sharing tasks equally, you should end this marriage. I don’t say that lightly at all.

also, does he have any redeeming qualities seeing you are taking care of pretty much everything? What does he add to your life (other than stress)?

he clearly has no respect for you otherwise he would chip in with the household and child related expenses.

Can you stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him etc?

He doesn't see you as a partner financially. Or think he has to contribute to any child related expenses. He is basically ripping off the mother of his kids to spend money on....I'm guessing hobbies and boozy nights out? And he sees you more as a domestic servant than a partner at home. I'd be making plans to leave. And certainly not booking any more holidays with your money that he's going on.

I wouldn't book a holiday again for the whole family and just arrange something for myself and the DC.

How come you can afford all these extra costs when you (says) he has no money left?

Create a joint account where everyone pays in X every month and pay out everything from there?