Family finances how annoyed would you be

Because the Op is being financially abused.

You're married with kids, why are you working like flatmates? One pot, everything in, everything out.

The fairest thing to do in this situation is work out budget for month including all bills, shopping, holiday & savings and you both put the same into account alternatively both put all your wages into one account and both have say £300 incidental money. Why are you shouldering all the domestic and financial responsibilities when they are both your children. Man is a prat.

There it is in a nutshell. I could also guess and probably be right that he wasn’t fussed about having children - that was your desire and that the third child was conceived without being planned.

You’re not setting a good example to your children

Tell him for this holiday you expect him to provide all the spending money. He can then pay into a holiday account going forward. If he doesn't, then no holidays for him.

Do you have a savings account? If not, start one, as you don't know what the future with him will be like.

Put your foot down and tell him to pay his share of everything.

Stop doing his domestics as well.

How old are your kids?
young or old primary school?
I’m sure you can cope with 3 on your own. You will probably have a better time if grumpy isn’t with you anyway with his Scrooge ways.

If you earn the same and split bills 50/50, how are you funding holidays and he's broke? Why haven't you done a joint budget? Ridiculous way to run a family.
He's either lying about where his money goes, or OP isn't actually paying half the bills.

Indeed. Or stop
Inviting him.

If you're actually scared of him tho op call women's aid for advice on leaving safely

What's his excuse for not paying half for his children's clothes and activities. Will he tell you that he shouldn't have to pay because he didn't want them?

He sounds absolutely horrible. Stop cooking his food and doing his laundry. Can't you take another adult on holiday instead of him to help you with the children? Would one of your parents like to come with you?

Why don't you open a children and holiday account into which you both pay equal amounts, with the money there before you book things?

You lost me at a £6k holiday when money is tight, average salaries and paying it off to be fair.

You both need a spreadsheet of all incoming and outgoings. I suspect some cognitive dissonance here with a sprinkling of beer money and champagne tastes.

Does he maybe fund other big stuff like cars, building work, etc. Isotherm absolute full disclosure between you?

I agree.
He will either take the kids 5050 and have to pay for them on his dad and do their laundry? Or he'll have to give you 18% of his salary.
And you won't be cleaning up after him or doing his laundry,
Win win for you.

Don't take him on holiday just to 'help' use the cost of his flights to pay for a nanny on holiday that's what I do - 100 e a day for a nice lady to help me with my toddler and babysit him in the evenings.

Having been in this situation (but with less money) the OP is not ‘allowing it’. She can’t control how he behaves. People don’t announce they are selfish pricks they tend to hide this and it becomes apparent slowly. It’s difficult to end a relationship over the cost of an holiday or money once you already have dc. Sometimes it’s when the novelty of parenting wears off and the other parent resents the impact of dc on finances and hobbies having originally been positive and promising to share things fairly that problems emerge.

It’s no different to (usually) men who don’t do their share childcare or housework having promised to be ‘hands on’ - or the (usually) women who avoid going back to work after dc and don’t financially contribute. Lots of people end up in situations once dc are on scene where one partner selfishly shifts the goalposts from what the couple agreed pre dc in their favour and it stops being a proper partnership.

OP clearly wants to give her dc a lovely childhood and he knows this and is gambling she won’t want to blow up the family over his behaviour - which is basically her only choice. You can’t actually force another adult to act fairly. This is 100% on him.

What is he spending his money on Op? I would be a bit worried if he has nothing left at the end of the month despite earning the same as you and you buying stuff for the kids.
Drugs? Gambling? Women?
I would stop including him in family holidays if he is stingy enough not to go halves. He doesn’t deserve to go with you.
And if the kids need stuff send all activity invoices etc to him. Let him pay.
Stop paying for stuff as you’re only making a rod for your own back.

Drugs? Gambellimg? Only fans? Affair?

You could just book your own trip away and tell kids it's daddy's turn to book the family own this year he'll let us know what he's booked and where we're all going

What is he doing with his money I'd be asking - is he squirrelling away for some reason?

Leave him

Cwhy would you need help with kids on holiday?

However if that is the case he could say that you are paying for him to go as you can't manage yourself

It’s insane that he’s not paying for his own children

I voted YABU but only because it’s bonkers that you would accept this and allow it to go on so long.

I genuinely dont understand why people have finances like this.

Can you re look at them and do something like this: ( very basic low example)

If your combined wages are

£3k a month
Bills are £1k per month

That leaves £2k which is halved and each of you get an equal amount of £1k per month.

Any extra expenses holidays etc are taken out equally both shares?

Im the main wage earner in our household however i would never want to see my husband disadvantaged therefor we are equal.

Why on earth did you ever agree to this from the start and why have you let this go on for so long? He’s not a child living at home and paying board ffs!

I don’t understand why you have separate finances at all. You earn similar amounts. You chose to share a home, children, holidays, your whole lives together. Why don’t you just pay everything into a joint account, to fund your shared lives? I can’t think of an honourable reason why he wouldn’t agree to that.

He sounds terrible. Does he bring anything to the relationship, sounds utterly selfish. I think you need a joint account for kids purposes which all activities, clothes, holidays etc get paid out of. You both put the same amount into that each month.