Family finances how annoyed would you be

I'm not sure how to say this in a nice way...but you went had not 1 but 3 children with this man.
You also got some extra money and instead of focusing on paying off the 6k holiday you went and booked another holiday for the same year. I mean holidays are important... But if you are already having one holiday abroad this year and you are having all these problems in your marriage...you should probably be saving it.

Maybe it's time to sort your marriage rather than hoping that it will change or get better.

i don't get why people in a stable relationship with children have separate finances. I'm not an old fashioned person but the wedding vows say 'with all my worldly goods I thee endow' and 'for richer or poorer'. We've always had joint accounts (except for tax purposes a long time ago) and have a cautious attitude to spending money. It's all there - open access, and big spending usually follows discussion. NEVER have we had an issue with it.

The writing is on the wall OP, but with three young children and everything to arrange, to do and pay for all by yourself I’m not at all surprised that you don’t have time to read it.

What the words on the wall say, are that he has checked out of the marriage and regards himself as a single man but if anything is handed on a plate to him he’d be daft not to take it and enjoy it because he’s on to a very good thing with you loving him a lot and still feeling you need him. So he will take it while it’s all on offer and get away with contributing as little as possible.

He is all the time treating you with contempt while you all the time have hope in your heart that he will change his ways.
He has no idea what a good marriage looks like and neither will your children if this continues.

You have done so well to start this thread as this will be straight talk advice which will be painful to read and will set your heart racing and your stomach churning as you recognise the truth. Try your best to take heed and make a plan for a massive change. Don’t be scared, you will find your way out of this unacceptable situation of being used by your husband. And remember, it’s not your fault that this has happened. He has responsibilities as well as you.

Start by finding out where his income has gone. Then tell him he owes you 3k and whatever else you expect of him. If he shouts, put in all in an email to him and tell him you have a right to expect he holds his temper while you talk it out.

Good luck OP. Hope he sees reason but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t.

I'm not really sure what you're looking for here OP. He's not going to change.

Stop inviting him along. He doesn't tip up, he doesn't go. It's a bit miserable but the only other option is to pay yourself nd I certainly wouldn't have joint accounts with a man like that either.

Do holidays with a friend or something you can manage on your own. Holidays aren't essential anyway.

Definitely don't have anything to do with the upcoming wedding. But I'd probably resign myself to not going in your shoes because he's only going to book it for himself.

You don't sound compatible OP. You want different things.
This situation is not fair. He is enjoying his salary and you are using all of yours.
No more holidays.

Posts like this make me want to stop reading MN because they are so upsetting. I would find it hell on earth and feel trapped in a relationship like this. It's not fair. I really feel for you. It's triggering for me because I was witness to someone close to me experiencing a relationship like this. It really took a toll on her mental health because she was responsible for everything including the care of the children. It was terrible to see how she eventually suffered and changed. This sort of thing can take a serious toll on your physical and mental health. I hope that everything works out for you, op.

You're paying more of the bills even though you earn the same and doing most of the housework. He's fucking pathetic. Xx

This isn't how a relationship works.

He clearly cannot manage his money which is having a negative impact on his family, so things need to change.

Sit down and work out ALL family costs. Bills, rent/mortgage, kids activities etc... then work this out as a monthly amount. This can then be split 50/50 and both pay that amount into a joint account. Use this account for all FAMILY stuff.

Then... if a family holiday costs £6000, then that's £250 a month each, so you both then need to be paying that amount into a joint savings account each month.

But money isn't your only problem - he should be doing half the chores and half the mental load too! It's fair you pick up some of the childcare as he has a longer commute, but everything else should be split fairly.

UABU to accept this behaviour.

He pays for next holiday in total. He also books it and arranges everything.
He pays for next kids activities and then pays so much a month towards.
DP and I have our salaries paid into our own accounts and transfer equal amounts into joint account fof bills. In your case this should include all child related expenses.
You may need couples counselling. Biting your head off to scare you into shutting up is no way to communicate.

Why do you not both pay into a joint account?

Mate, this is no way to live, is it?
You both work and earn the same BUT you're putting thousands more into the pot for family costs AND you're putting thousands of hours in covering his half of the chores too.
What would life look like without him? By the time you're having to record his words to get him to agree to paying his way, it sounds like it's not a marriage worth fighting for, even if he suddenly remembered how to be an adult with adult responsibilities.

I’d be fed up. He is getting all the benefit of your marriage and not putting in; would you consider separating and going to the CMA?

You are booking very expensive holidays if you are both on average salaries. A huge holiday to Disney is wonderful but exhausting and so expensive.

Is he refusing to pay because someone needs to make sure you keep some savings in the family pot?

I would be really unhappy if my dh was spending so much on vacations if I ways flat broke every month or the only one keeping money aside for household emergencies.

You both need to sit down and do a proper household budget for the year ahead. Look at total income, essential spend, and then what will you both do with what’s left.

Also - re housework - don’t put up with it - he should do his share.

You don’t need this to become a massive endless argument - you’re a family, a partnership. You both need to find better ways to communicate and make it work

Holidays and kids expenses are household bills. How are you splitting things at the moment?

It's normal to have a joint account and then a smaller amount each for individual finances.

Honestly, I don't know why you are together. You'd be better off on your own.

You need a joint account that you each pay into equally for all these extras.

YABU for enabling this bullshit.
If you can't manage the children alone on holiday, stay home and save your money.

I wouldn't be paying for a jolly for a man who has no regard for me.

My bet is given you do everything at home, he's barely any use to you on holiday. What do you actually need him there for?

You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated OP. He’s clearly got away with this sort of thing for a long time. You need to become more assertive, and demand he contributes his share. His sulking and annoyance is a form of control into you not asking again. Be on at him constantly - he really has no justification or excuse to not contribute.

Waiting for the "Amber Heard vibes" comment 🙄

Apart from having a nice celebratory day out for your "wedding", what makes you think you are married? You have a sponging boyfriend who happens to have fathered your kids. He's not dadding.

What dad doesn't prioritise paying for his kids? Or taking them on holiday rather than a lads trip? A shit one. He doesn't want to spend time with them,.certainly not enough to save and look forward to it.

The real crux is that you're scared to be a single parent when in reality, holidaying without him is probably easier. Or just go away yourself and leave the kids with him. Tell him you'll pay half for the kids if he wants to book to come as well.

But seriously, this is so dysfunctional that I can't see why you'd put up with him.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-cost-of-loving-with-anna-williamson/id1730915263?i=1000691950154

My partner and I have separate finances but we have a joint credit card for family and kids stuff… all the eating out, holidays, kids clothes, food shops etc goes on it. Obviously it doesn’t work for everything as some are direct debits but even if I hook them I say ‘I paid for the last one so I’m putting your bank details down for this one’

I say it’s joint card but since my maternity leave it’s actually my partners credit card and I put all the family stuff on there and he pays it!! This happened for my maternity period when I wasn’t really earning and coincided with him getting some big promotions and out earning me when I went back to work.

our spending is neither equal nor proportionate to our pay. I’ve actually no idea how ‘fair’ it is (I could quite possible by ‘winning’ from it) but it doesn’t matter. I’d like to think of my partner thought it was unfair he’d say so and we could work it out mathematically. If you don’t think your partner would do the same then you have big problems.

You seem to be paying for a lot. Here’s a solution.

Divorce him, and use all the extra that you pay for towards a nanny or help at home and you will be fine.

YABU for putting up with this!

This would give me the ick so much I could never come back. Can’t imagine he has any redeeming qualities, you are honestly best rid.