Family finances how annoyed would you be

TBH, I'd be scared to risk a joint account in this situation, in case he spent it all.

Maybe just put an equal amount into a joint account each month? Possibly the OP could set up a separate holiday account with so much going into that from the joint each month?

So basically you have to pay him to come in holiday with you.

This is not a partnership. Have you started planning how to leave him?

I would stop doing all his laundry, ironing, putting clothes away immediately.

also, if he want to do his family wedding, and refuses to pay for this one then pay zero towards it. Or does that suit him, to pay for things only he can do?

You are being taken for a fool. However you obviously realise this or you wouldn’t be posting on here.

In your situation I would genuinely be looking for a divorce. He has no respect for you or the children.

He sounds like a complete selfish twat.

This man is playing you for a fool op, you have to stop letting him get away with it.
Don't try and explain or make him see your point of view, just stop paying for him!

Does no-one do 'completely joint money' anymore?

All this separate money seems weird to me.

Legally isn't it all joint? Shrugs

Do you know what his take home pay is? Would half of the mortgage and bills leave him with next to nothing at the end of the month? If the answer is no, he's hiding something.

YABU to put up with this. What would happen if you or he had an accident and couldn’t work? All income should go into a joint account.

This seems to be the crux of the matter, he doesn't want to go, still unfair of him, of course. Why doesn't he want to go?

This!

It’s the only way. His money seems to be all “fun money” for him after the most basic bills, but yours is spent on the family and children. Thats not fair!

Also household chores should all be split equally.

How annoyed?? Well, put it this way I wouldn't be married to him anymore.

He's behaving like another one of your children, or worse, a moody teenager you're dragging away on holiday. I could not stand that. I would have pulled him up everytime he tried to get out of his parental responsibilities financially or being an equal parent in terms of planning and financing family holidays and days out and meals, so in your shoes we'd have argued so much by now I'm sure we'd be divorced.

I mean children’s clothes and activities and family days out and holidays are household expenses unless your children are adults and earning their own money. So he needs to reframe his understanding of that.

And when he doesn’t do that he needs to go fuck himself.

That’s ridiculous.

Can you swap his ticket out for someone else to come and help?

Can you point out that he could either willingly contribute equally or be mandated to if you were to divorce..?

Wouldn’t get involved in his families event.
But I would ask him how is he going to pay for it if he doesn’t have any money at the end of the month to even pay you back

If you book a holiday without him you could use the saving you made to not pay for him to pay for some kids clubs whilst away instead - eg if the cost with him is £6k and the cost without him is £4500 then book the £4500 and spend £1500 on kids clubs - you can then have some childfree time to laze in the spa or do an adult touristy thing.

Take someone else on holiday to help with dc. You could offer a discount for them and it would still be cheaper and more fun than taking your dh

I would be also putting in place stuff that will make your life easier when looking after dc.
Chores for them if they are old enough and reins (with extendable dog leads attached) if they are little.
(I had 2 with what turned out to be ADHD which made doing anything a challenge especially as I didn’t know I had ADHD as well)

I would be very suspicious of what he is spending his money on.
would suggest he either is drinking, gambling or has someone else. Or a combination of all 3.
Either way that money isn’t being spent where it should be.

Tell him to give you £300 towards the holidays he has been on and add up his share of dc’s expenditure that you have paid for the previous month and tell him to pay you that when he gets paid. Tell him to budget more effectively as he can’t afford to do whatever it is that he is spending his money on as he can’t afford it.

Also if he can’t help towards school run and house work he needs to pay someone to come in and do his share

Remember in a divorce he will either have to take dc for 1/2 the week so will need to feed and house then and be around to take care of them or he will have to pay CM which he could get no say in if it is taken straight from his salary

He will also have to do all his own cooking, cleaning and laundry.

Time he shaped up or shipped out

It sounds like you have 4 kids. 3 primary & 1 adult kid!!!!!!!!!! What exactly do you get out of this relationship? You are supposed to be partners but it sounds like your his Mum!!!!!!!!!

Well of course! You need more of that attitude.

He clearly isn't not spending on holidays because he's wisely saving his money for the family. He might be saving it, but if he is, it's for him and him alone.

Never understand why people come on these threads and either don't read them properly or side with the obvious cocklodger.

No more holidays for him, and hold your ground on the wedding. When you’re out for the day get drinks for you and the kids, hand them out and tell him you ran out of money. Would your mum or a friend come on holiday to help? I’d 1000x prefer to pay for my mum or a friend than this loser. And it would be good for you to tell people. Next time one of your children needs something basic like shoes, the first weekend after payday tell him you need to take Bobby to buy shoes, off you go.

OP - he's awful, kick him to the curb.

God, so many of these posts about useless 'D' Hs on MN. I'm single and it's actually putting me off even looking for a relationship! My ex-husband was like a third child. Are all men totally fucking useless? There are some great ones out there, right?!

Make sure he knows you are out of planning and paying for the wedding holiday planning. I would match his current energy.

Do you have a joint savings account. Putting money aside for holidays and rainy days is a good idea. There needs to be rules of engagement about what it is and is not used for. Or you need to control it. If I were you, I would:

1. Have smaller, less expensive family holidays and set money aside for savings.

1. Write down expenses, agree a new budget and make fair financial contributions.

I would be annoyed that he could find money for a holiday without the family and not make any contribution for the family holiday. Your partner has enough money for things he wants to do and does not prioritise family needs.

As for saying he doesn't want to go, wtaf? I didn't find holidays abroad with small child very restful. It's a shitty attitude.

You answered your own question "WE'VE... always had a cautious attitude to spending money"

If you were cautious and him a spendthrift, you would understand the sensibleness of separate finances.

Then YABU and need to sort yourself out if you mean you are doing HIS washing and cooking for HIM