Family finances how annoyed would you be

I think he is selfish and uncaring and the longer you put up with this bad behaviour, the worse he will get. I would feel very resentful if my husband treated me so unfairly. It’s easy to work out a fairer way : we have always had a joint bank account and each month we check our expenditure for utilities, bills etc., and put it onto a yearly Excel spreadsheet to get our total outgoings. We do the same with our income to get yearly total income. The spreadsheet works out what is left and we use that for family holidays or savings (the same amount for both of us) into individual savings accounts. Best wishes

Are you actually married? He isn’t acting like a dad/ husband.

He’s really taking advantage of you . You do school run as his commutes longer , all about him. Yous earn the same yet you can pay for everything but he’s got nothing left? I don’t think so . When it was on a lads holiday he soon found it . Tell him to buck up or get out. How dare he take advantage of you like that. And he doesn’t help in the house, he’s a scrounger and a loser. You deserve more.

He sounds like a real peach.

I think id try marriage counselling and if he didn’t improve it would be divorce.

So biting your head off makes you back down ?

It doesn’t need to be a conversation just a statement of fact - let him know what you expect towards costs.

Don’t let CF’rs scare you off because they get aggressive. Start setting boundaries and find your backbone.

This, absolutely.

What's he doing with the money that should be his share of all the expenses to do with the kids and other stuff that are joint responsibilities? Is he building up a nice nest egg, spending it on expensive hobbies or clothes?

what’s the actual point of that statement though? It literally has no bearing on day to day finances
fwiw, we have a prenup and documentation of who paid what % of deposit etc

Exactly this! Our bills come out on the 1st, he transfers me half. They get paid. We do what the hell we like with our own money thats left. If i want to go buy designer shoes or rubbish from aliexpress i will. Equally he buys what he wants too.

I didnt say in my name, i said i pay them from my account. The house is in my name so if we split up, id be solely responsible for the bills anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️
I wouldnt claim anything, we had paper work drawn up prior to getting married and i dont need to claim from someone else when i have my own 😂

Total contradiction with what would happen if you split though. Everything is joint.

Wow well more fool you for having every bill in your name that is foolish indeed.
I can add up thanks 😂😂😂
At least being married you have a claim to half of everything in the event that you split (which is a good thing) but there is a heavy irony about the point you are trying to make, which is presumably about financial independance.

I hear you! What’s mine is mine, his is his. it’s not a faff. It’s sensible
set up direct debits etc and us app to transfer monies

Its not a faff if you have basic numeracy. I pay the bills out my account each month and he transfers half the amount to me. Hardly a faff.

Maybe society learned to add up and divide? 😂

Also whats mine, is mine. Whats his, is his. Whats ours is ours. Vast differences.

Firstly, where does his money go? Absolutely ridiculous and know exactly how you feel right now..

My husband and I got stuck in this rut when he was made redundant however he now has a great job but I was still covering the additional things similar to you.

i created another joint account separate to bills one we now put equal money into this account and use this for food petrol and childcare.

I pay for clubs, husband pays for treats. Days out we take in turn to pay. Takeaways come from joint.

I wouldn’t be booking any holidays unless he paid half.

He is taking the piss. You should set up a joint account where you both pay in the same amount each month to cover all bills and other household and holiday costs leaving each of you an agreed amount for your personal expenses.

Op is there any chance he is gambling? Something is off here. Ask him where his money is going? Don’t be gaslit. Ask him why you get paid the same but he is always broke.

Sounds like he is desperate to have a life without you, no idea why you’d pay for him to go on holiday.

Many people have so far given you good advice about this is not acceptable behaviour from your DH nor is it fair. But I would advise you to sit him down and have a honest talk about both of you increasing your contribution into the joint bills/expenses account to cover everything for the children including activities, clothes etc. If you want to have another joint savings account for holidays as well, then fine. However, I don't think it is a good idea to jointly pool all of your salary with his, as you don't know the full situation with his finances. You clearly need to also be having a conversation about fairly shared household chores and childcare, moving from here. You cannot make your DH contribute extra if he really doesn't want to, and as this situation has gone on like this for so long without him paying for anything other than the basic bills, it is very likely that he will refuse. You then need to consider your options and how you move on from that point. Possibly cut down/out expensive holidays, reduce slightly children's activities and start your own saving to help you make better longterm decisions, such as separation if it comes to that. Definitely stop including him and paying for holidays for him, stop washing, cooking, etc for him. If he doesn't want to be involved in family activities, you should not be forcing him. Let him see how it feels to not be included or needed. You are stronger than you think, as you manage your children single-handedly all the time, but don't realise it. Stop pandering to this man and learn to find your own self-worth. You and your children deserve better than your current situation, as you are currently showing them an inadequate and dysfunctional partnership. You do not want your children to think how you and your DH is currently living is a normal way of life. Good luck for whatever you decide to do, but you need to make changes and start priorising yourself and your children for a long-term existence possibly without your DH. Sort out your finances now so you are able to financially manage without him if necessary. Please forget about next year's wedding, focus on sorting out the here and now. Good luck

I’m not being unpleasant. I’m making an observation, and one I now see others have made , too. In much stronger terms

Be careful. I said that and got flamed for being unpleasant. I thought I was making an observation 🤷‍♀️

Why should family members have up support you ? ,!!
It's your choice to split up ..
Don't put it onto others ,, !

Why don’t you pool finances? In the absence of that he owes you 50% of all the extras you pay for for the kids and the holiday.

He sounds like an absolute sht! Tell him to man up- this is also his family! You are in a partnership and both of you need to work towards giving your kids the best life possible! If he wants to shovel his money aside, then he shouldn’t have the perks of a “boys holiday”! Pr*k

He obviously has debts or something he spends his money on that you don’t know about. His anger is a childish immature deflection response as he’s too scared to share the truth with you. You need to find out. It’s time for a sit down and an adult conversation or an ultimatum.

a spreadsheet of all income and expenses with bank accounts on display and credit files pulled. That will shit him up. It’s crazy ur running a family with no idea what the all the finances are about.

Also, stop paying for things. Insist he pays his share of meals and kids things. This will not improve without intervention.

He is hiding a lot. You’ve married someone who is financially irresponsible… time to get firm with him! Good luck OP!

Get this man to fuck. Get him out of your life. What a mean cunt