So, my mum is a lovely woman if a little unusual/eccentric. She’s in her mid-60s now. She had my brother and I when she was 23/25 and devoted herself to us, she was a fantastic mum truly. She is an English teacher and has always been very enthusiastic about her work too.
My dad passed 20 years ago when I was 20 and my brother 18. It was right before my brother was due to go to uni and my mum insists he still went and not worry about her. From here is when my mum started to change. She had been very religious up until this point but changed and said “there may well be a god but if he exists he isn’t a good one and I’m yet to see any signs that he does” she starting saying she believed after death there was nothing and that life has no great meaning, we just have to make our own meaning and get on with it. She was still loving but definitely became a lot more laissez faire. My dad’s passing had left insurance which paid off the house so she stopped trying to climb the career ladder at work. Then gradually as we got older became increasingly uninterested in our life. I remember calling her and saying I’d got a job I’d really wanted and she said “get the job, don’t get the job what does it matter we all end up in the ground anyway”. She insisted she wasn’t depressed and was actually rather happy, she said she felt free now she wasn’t being governed my so many rules and all she would obey was the law and her own moral code.
My brother and I left her to it, she seemed happy and was forever off on holiday to here, there and everywhere. 3 years ago she got a lodger as she said the house was too big on her own and she needed company, also year later the lodgers girlfriend moved in and my mum is rather fond of them. It does mean we never go and visit her now as this couple are always there but she does visit us or we go out together.
Neither my brother or I had children until our late 30s, I’m now 40 with an almost 2 year old and expecting baby 2 and my brother is 38 with a 2 year old. She’s been fairly loosely interested so far. She argues they are babies they are the none the wiser as to if she does or doesn’t visit often, and even said to my brother “I don’t get any great joy out of being around babies”.
I have just kept telling myself she will be better once my son is a bit older and babies and toddlers aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. I remind myself what a great mum she was and what a great teacher she is and believe that can’t all just disappear.
I messaged her today to let her know we are having a little party for my son the day after his birthday but as it’s school holidays she is welcome to come over before then and spend the whole weekend with us. She replied “no can do, lodger is graduating on his birthday I said I would go”. When I asked what about the party the next day she said “I’m going on holiday on the Monday, no point coming all the way to you for one night” (London to Southampton hardly a great distance).
This has left me feeling really sad, I called her and said this and she said it won’t make any difference he’s only turning 2, he won’t remember. I said I would remember and we’d look back at the pictures for the rest of his life knowing she chose her lodger and convenience over being present in my son’s life. She said “ah well be upset if you must, no real difference to me at the end of the day and I shall see you the week before and the week after I get back”.
AIBU to feel really hurt by her? I know she is very much a “it is what it is” person but I can’t deal with her not really caring about my son, and it breaks my heart to see how much she has changed since my childhood. How should I handle this?