Wondering if my Mother is exatturating cancer scare

You’re absolutely not wrong to feel conflicted – it’s incredibly hard when someone has a pattern of exaggerating or twisting the truth, especially about something as serious as cancer. That doesn’t make you heartless; it makes you human, and a bit emotionally bruised from past experiences.

The symptoms she’s described could be signs that need urgent follow-up – which the GP seems to have recognised. But the delay in timing and the shifting story do raise fair questions, especially given the history.

I think the best way to protect yourself here is to stay calm, compassionate, and a bit detached emotionally. Acknowledge the situation, check in gently, but don’t let yourself get too pulled into panic unless you have confirmation. Keep healthy boundaries – it’s possible to be supportive without being swept up in drama.

You’re not being unreasonable to question it, and you’re definitely not alone in dealing with this kind of family dynamic. 💐

Alrighty then… just trying to understand where you were coming from before answering. 🤷‍♀️

I have a relative that regularly fakes serious illnesses, including brain tumours, heart disease and multiple cancers. It’s exhausting. You never know whether one day it’ll turn out to be true, so it’s stressful.
I hope you get some answers soon.

The best way to find out is to offer to go with her to the appointment for further scans. You can hold her hand and hear exactly what she is told.

Editing to add that she may have health anxiety which causes her to catastrophise every little thing. Like a dodgy mole must be melanoma and she is dying. If she’s not alone, maybe you can be the voice of calm and reason.

@Lavenderfarmcottage I’ll just add that even if she does have BC the reassurance the BC nurse gave me was that’s it’s one of the ‘best’ cancers to get as it’s been so well researched the treatments are very well understood and sort of bespoke to the type of BC that’s found.

As someone who had a similar mother I'd just nod and make all the right noises until she has this appointment and gets some scans. Take everything she says with a bucket of salt.

AFAiK the size of the tumour and the stage (i.e. whether it has spread to other places like lymph nodes) are two different things, so you may be getting a little ahead of yourself here.

Two weeks is the standard time. I know someone who found a lump recently and it was referred to be seen within two weeks. Normal.

The 8 cm is big so maybe she got it wrong and is .8cm. Do you want to take the chance if it is true that you didn’t believe her? Doctors don’t just refer for no reason and if she was examined something was found.

If she can feel the lump she might be estimating it’s size.
What she has said sounds accurate to me.
I don’t like it when people doubt people going through health issues. Even if it turns out to be nothing, it is a cancer scare and it will be scary for her going through the testing.
Don’t doubt it without proof that it’s not true, it’s cruel, one day it could be you in those shoes and you will find out how horrible it feels.

Possibly she is exaggerating, misheard or other. We can't say.
Could you go with her for the mammogram/aspiration?

My main tumor was only 3cm which is very small, but the lump was HUGE (I guess it was seated in other benign lumpy tissue)
I actually saw a scan of it at the oncologists office the other day and I was amazed. Because of course it’s not a ball, it’s like an area on a map, it’s 3-D but an irregular shape, almost like a tangled up piece of plastic in the sea. It kind of blew my mind to see it, and I thought it would’ve been good to know this before. Anyway, it’s not like a walnut or something and 8cm may be quite undetectable depending on where it is

Does she have particularly large breasts? I’m a J cup (natural) and could probably hide 8cm in there for a while. If she has A’s or B’s it would likely be evident far before it reached that size.

But again, that detail doesn’t change anything. You will still need to wait for results. If she’s exaggerated/lied about the size do you really think a “gotcha” moment would be appropriate right now? Would it help any of you?

Is it possible she's misheard/misremembered and the lump is 8mm? It's hard to process and retain information when you're panicking. I'd assume it's a mistake rather than deliberate exaggeration.

I wouldn’t stress yourself trying to figure out how genuine it is. Usually with people like this (my mum was the exact same, including how she lied about having cancer) there is a drop of truth in every lie. She really does have a lump, it is being investigated. If she is telling people already it’s cancer you know she is lying. Is she exaggerating the size? Maybe, but who is it going to help if you “prove” she has?

You know what she is like. Protect yourself and don’t get overly involved until you have facts. You can be supportive of what you know to be true (she has been fast tracked for a breast concern having found a lump) without needing to hassle yourself with the fine print.

The GP wouldn't have been able to tell exactly what size the lump was (although if large could probably have a guess). So she is probably exaggerating that part.

But the two week appointment is normal referred for a breast lump. Does she have health anxiety at all, this may lead her to over exaggerate things.

I have breast cancer atm. From chatting to others at the cancer centre I don’t think 8cm is particularly uncommon size, it’s not necessarily a perfect ball, it could be 8cm across but relatively flat i think? I am surprised that the GP has said how big the lump is though, as far as I’m aware, that’s something that gets talked about when you’re having a mammogram or ultrasound.
I have family members who like to extract value out of health scares in order to get attention, it’s very tiring and upsetting. My advice is just to accept you don’t know yet, and if you need to keep your distance from your mum for now that’s fair enough. Have a think about whether it might be less stressful for you to go with her to the mammogram, at least you will hear firsthand what is happening.

Could it be you’re mistaken or your mum is and it’s 8mm?

She may be exaggerating, but she may not be. The boy who cried wolf was eaten by one. There’s no point speculating here - just try to remain a bit detached until the medical tests have been done.

May I advise you, as an old hand with such a mother?

Don’t try to know.
Accept that she is genuinely scared and wants support, whether or not she’s exaggerating.

Knowing or not knowing makes no difference for the next two weeks.

Stop trying to feel a sense of control and understanding, let it wash over you and support her as best you can without tying yourself in knots.

My mother has always weaponised her health issues. Unless you have experienced a manipulative relationship like this it's almost impossible to understand how you could be suspicious of your own mother having a cancer scare but I totally get it. My mother pretended for over a year that she had a benign brain tumor, she kept me at arms length during it, although I offered help, while phoning me up secretly and guilting me for not helping her and decrying me to everyone we know, she'd phone me up and tell me she was having seizures, treatment was failing, she was dying, the works, but would be vague on details, guilt and shame me, crying down the phone but of course no facts or normality around it, making out I was the abnormal one of I asked questions, rushing off the phone or acting the victim if you tried to get clarity, it was an utter nightmare as I genuinely thought she was ill for over a year but knew it was all abnormal and was kept constantly in fear and confusion and taking abuse off her husband, culminating in my having a breakdown, she and her husband phoned me right before Christmas to say it was actually cancer and had spread to bone cancer and I spent a terrible Christmas agonizing over it and researching it, both had been abusive during the call when I explained none of it made sense and asked for some facts, what tests had she had, what type of cancer, both screamed at me and when I explained the constant bombshells, vague dramatic phonecalls without any facts or sense were destrying me I was told I was making it all about me. After a month of basically being in bed, I called the hospital begging for advice as she said she was refusing treatment and wouldn't give details. They told me she was being treated for a treatable eye condition over the last year and there was absolutely no tumor or cancer, had never been so much as a biopsy. She'd even purchased a wheelchair herself and had been feigning brain tumor symptoms for a year, always seemed to collapse when they had visitors etc telling me she had seizures and loss of Mobility, I watched her fake a seizure at a family event and then happily walk down a corridor when she thought no one could see her. It nearly destroyed me. If the hospital hadn't told me this info I'd probably still be getting emotionally abused and kept on the hook with the not knowing. We've pieced together now as a family that she has done this to varying extents all her life, I've memories of me and her friends waiting outside the doctor for her as she told us she was getting cancer results, she has had a heart scare, arthritis that magically disappeared and she told people she had cancer as a teen also. So so many lies , exaggerations, manipulations have been exposed now not just about her health, I witnessed many many of them at the time but ignored them or was convinced I was wrong or stupid because she was my mum. I've seen her husband accept her lies or even partake in them too. She was very good at what she did. Follow your gut, look at the history, keep ears and eyes for what's not normal and don't be convinced that it's you being suspicious,evil, wrong etc you are normal, she is not