Page 7 | Child’s Friend Calling DH A Racist Name

kurotora · 2025-06-03T15:05:54+00:00

I’m a bit flabbergasted at this! DD5 (Reception) occasionally brings home a friend to play, friend’s mum doesn’t come with. DH picks them up, he also does almost every pick up and drop off so he’s the one the other kids see most. Today the friend came back to the house and three times called DH by a racist name - “karate chops” - he’s British Vietnamese. We both looked at each other in shock. The third time I told her that she must not call him that -he’s DD’s Dad. I asked her why she called him that name but she just laughed. AIBU to be really annoyed about this? I don’t think the child got it from her mum, who is a single parent and not British herself, she doesn’t seem like the type and she’s been very nice to us. DD is suffering a lot of bullying in school and this has incensed me as I feel like it may be coming from another child in class.

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/06/2025 11:45

No, sorry. Not having it. It isn’t “clearly [not racist]”.

It’s not for one person to say if it’s racist or not. In the same way, I don’t find slights against my race offensive/racist but I’d absolutely stand with someone from my race who did find it racist.

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 11:31

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MargotTenenbaumscoat · 04/06/2025 11:27

Instead of arguing over whether it is racist or not posters should be considering that the person being called the (imo very obviously racist) name does not like it. That should be enough!

I understand your Dh not wanting to highlight it but I would want to know if my child was being rude and would also want the school to know. If there’s any possibility that it’s coming from school and effecting your dd or anyone else then school needs to know.

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 11:21

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Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 11:20

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WitcheryDivine · 04/06/2025 11:11

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Even google doesn’t know everything. If you called someone a sallow chopstick botherer I doubt google would recognise the turn of phrase but it would still be racist and offensive for example if you called a colleague that you should be sacked.

And for the poster earlier who I presume was joking - northern isn’t a race.

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/06/2025 10:55

Doesn’t matter if you’re doubtful. It offended the DH and the OP. So, it’s game over.

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 10:52

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HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/06/2025 10:30

I would say this is a school issue.

I’m British-East Asian and never had any racist comments made to me in school. And I grew up in an incredibly rural white location. I never had anyone in my school make a dodgy comment so by the time I was 10 and a boy in the village (different school) asked me if I was a “chink”, I said no…because I quite honestly didn’t even know what the word meant.

As an aside, if your daughter is ever upset by such comments, I’d laugh with her at the ignorance ie “duhhhh, karate is from Japan! Aren’t racists ignorant!”

Paganpentacle · 04/06/2025 10:23

kurotora · 03/06/2025 17:23

As a British Viet, my husband has had a lifetime of Bruce Lee/Jackie Chan/karate/kung fu comments in various forms. It’s a mainstay of racist mockery against East Asians.

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Aah.
Bit like when people from up North have to put up with endless 'jokes' about whippets and flat caps then?
Racist or stereotype?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/06/2025 10:16

kurotora · 04/06/2025 09:57

I’ll fully accept my ignorance on this matter then. It’s still my gut feeling that the mum isn’t saying these things but I’ll accept that I could be wrong.

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And you’re probably correct. You know her and we don’t. I was just pointing out the issues with the ‘recent immigrant’ assumption.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/06/2025 10:14

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You’re ’doubtful it’s racist’? 🤣

No such cartoon character exists. And if you don’t see how calling an Asian person that is racist, then I’m genuinely worried for you.

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 09:58

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Original poster

kurotora · 04/06/2025 09:57

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/06/2025 09:51

I am very sympathetic to what you’re saying. However, as a Black woman, will point out that recent immigrants are considerably more likely to be overtly racist, dependent on their country of origin.

We have our issues, but the majority of countries - even in Europe - are significantly more racist than the U.K. and there are lots of places where ‘Karate Chops’ wouldn’t even cause an eyebrow raise.

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I’ll fully accept my ignorance on this matter then. It’s still my gut feeling that the mum isn’t saying these things but I’ll accept that I could be wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

kurotora · 04/06/2025 09:55

BusMumsHoliday · 04/06/2025 09:48

What stuck out to me with this thread is that you say you're constantly raising issues around racism to the school. Have you spoken to the head? If so and nothing is getting done, you should write to the chair of governors. I'm white and I'd be appalled to discover terms like this were being let slide in my kids school. It's really obviously racist!

We’re raising issues around physical bullying constantly, not racism. They have allowed two boys to repeatedly hit my DD, and repeat the refrain that they have no idea, they’ve seen nothing etc etc. I do have another thread on it but the fight at the moment is to get her school changed.

OP posts:

Dangermoo · 04/06/2025 09:55

kurotora · 04/06/2025 09:43

I feel like I need to make it abundantly clear as to why I described the mum as I did, since that seems to be an issue for some people who think that my description means she’s immune to being racist:

I described her as not British - she’s a recent immigrant and on the balance I expect she experiences some discrimination herself. Her English isn’t great. I cannot imagine her using a racist name for DH in her home especially since she has been nothing but genuinely nice towards us both.

I described her as on her own, not because that somehow makes her less likely to be racist but to softly explain there’s no one else in the home that the child would be getting it from and no family there that have encountered DH.

In the end, DH is the one in charge of what to do, and he doesn’t want to say anything. His attitude is that “you start talking about these things and draw attention to them, then it makes it become A Thing, you need to ignore them or it makes it worse.”

I don’t fully agree but he’s only on board with reinforcing to the child that she is only allowed to call him “DD’s Dad”, not anything else, or she won’t be allowed round to play.

Your DH sounds very admirable.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/06/2025 09:51

kurotora · 04/06/2025 09:43

I feel like I need to make it abundantly clear as to why I described the mum as I did, since that seems to be an issue for some people who think that my description means she’s immune to being racist:

I described her as not British - she’s a recent immigrant and on the balance I expect she experiences some discrimination herself. Her English isn’t great. I cannot imagine her using a racist name for DH in her home especially since she has been nothing but genuinely nice towards us both.

I described her as on her own, not because that somehow makes her less likely to be racist but to softly explain there’s no one else in the home that the child would be getting it from and no family there that have encountered DH.

In the end, DH is the one in charge of what to do, and he doesn’t want to say anything. His attitude is that “you start talking about these things and draw attention to them, then it makes it become A Thing, you need to ignore them or it makes it worse.”

I don’t fully agree but he’s only on board with reinforcing to the child that she is only allowed to call him “DD’s Dad”, not anything else, or she won’t be allowed round to play.

I am very sympathetic to what you’re saying. However, as a Black woman, will point out that recent immigrants are considerably more likely to be overtly racist, dependent on their country of origin.

We have our issues, but the majority of countries - even in Europe - are significantly more racist than the U.K. and there are lots of places where ‘Karate Chops’ wouldn’t even cause an eyebrow raise.

BusMumsHoliday · 04/06/2025 09:48

What stuck out to me with this thread is that you say you're constantly raising issues around racism to the school. Have you spoken to the head? If so and nothing is getting done, you should write to the chair of governors. I'm white and I'd be appalled to discover terms like this were being let slide in my kids school. It's really obviously racist!

Original poster

kurotora · 04/06/2025 09:43

I feel like I need to make it abundantly clear as to why I described the mum as I did, since that seems to be an issue for some people who think that my description means she’s immune to being racist:

I described her as not British - she’s a recent immigrant and on the balance I expect she experiences some discrimination herself. Her English isn’t great. I cannot imagine her using a racist name for DH in her home especially since she has been nothing but genuinely nice towards us both.

I described her as on her own, not because that somehow makes her less likely to be racist but to softly explain there’s no one else in the home that the child would be getting it from and no family there that have encountered DH.

In the end, DH is the one in charge of what to do, and he doesn’t want to say anything. His attitude is that “you start talking about these things and draw attention to them, then it makes it become A Thing, you need to ignore them or it makes it worse.”

I don’t fully agree but he’s only on board with reinforcing to the child that she is only allowed to call him “DD’s Dad”, not anything else, or she won’t be allowed round to play.

OP posts:

nomas · 04/06/2025 05:28

Devonshiregal · 03/06/2025 17:19

I was thinking this. Kinda rude - like Brits are the only people able to racist (also seriously not true). Aside from this, op if your child is being bullied aged 5 and her only friend is using racist terms, move her out of that school. She’s only going to end up hating school if she stays there any longer. And if she stays longer than that, and the bullying continues, she’ll end up hating herself. Especially if there are target comments regarding race etc.I know it can feel hard to not do the done thing and just keep them plugging away at school, but she’s FIVE. Literally just don’t send her in tomorrow if you can. She’s way too young to hate the majority of her days.

edited to add, at least go visit other schools asap.

Edited

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How is it rude? Where has anyone said only Brits can be racist?

OP knows this woman (regardless of her race) and thinks the racist language is not coming from her. That’s not ‘rude’, that’s her instincts about this woman.

araiwa · 04/06/2025 05:27

mathanxiety · 03/06/2025 18:02

Because it stereotypes an Asian person. Stereotypes are always bad because they treat other people as one or two dimensional and not fully human beings with multiple dimensions just like you.

It's like calling an English person 'soccer hooligan'.

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No it's like calling British people Pedro or Stavros because all Europeans are the same aren't they

Catsbreakfast · 04/06/2025 05:14

ParkHse86 · 03/06/2025 17:12

Can you spell out why it is racist please

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You need to ask why reducing someone who comes from south east Asia, getting lumped in with a completely different nationality and getting called a reductive term that has nothing to do with his cultural background is racist?

TheShadowOfTheWizard · 03/06/2025 20:24

This is a slightly different perspective but I remember using racist terms as a kid (learnt from my male parent). I had absolutely no idea they were racist or inappropriate.

Also, I had very swarthy skin, and used to get called every racist term under the sun. Had songs. Taunts. Used to spat on and called a racist word.

Definitely speak to the Mum and the school.

Endofyear · 03/06/2025 19:05

Is it possibly something she's heard another child say in school? Has your DD said that other children in school have made comment on her dad's ethnicity? It might be worth having a word with the teacher.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 03/06/2025 18:40

ParkHse86 · 03/06/2025 17:11

There actually is a cartoon episode called Karate Chops. As recently as 2021.

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Presumably it wasn’t about a character named ‘Karate Chops’? In which case, I’m unclear as to your point. Karate chops are a thing and they exist. Nobody has an issue with that. Stereotyping and calling an Asian person ‘Karate chops’ is racist. That is the issue.