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What should I respond to ex loves wife?

132 replies

newbalanced · 03/06/2025 14:13

So for context. I come from a small town, the type where everyone moves away and then returns to raise family.
I left for uni and never returned, settling where I studied. I’ve since met a wonderful man, married and gone onto have children.

At 17 I fell in love with a lad & we were involved for about 5 years, getting together when home from uni etc but it was very one sided. I was infatuated but he’d pick me up and put me down where it suited. For a long time I thought we’d end up together properly but after the years of back and forth I ended things for my own sanity! No hard feelings, I’ve grown up and just see it as a learning experience which eventually led me to real love.

I return to the town to see my dearest friends but have never crossed paths with this ex. It’s been 20 years. Early Last year he moved back to town with new wife and they have become friends with one of my closest friends (we share lots of old friends ) Close friend is getting married and I’m a bridesmaid. Ex’s wife is invited in the hen and we have all been added to a group chat.

Last night Exs wife messaged me privately. Said she “knew who I was” and “what I meant to Ex” and wanted it put out there so there was no weirdness. Confused

I simply replied “Hi, nice to meet you, but I’m not quite sure what you mean” because I had no idea of her angle.

She went onto say the Ex had told her how I was once the love of his life and the one that got away.

I haven’t replied because I have no idea how to. Do I reply flippantly, no problem type thing or should I explain what it was in my eyes??

I kinda want to brush over it because it’s weird to hear this new take on my history!!!

OP posts:
fgswhywouldIdothat · 03/06/2025 19:48

"It will be so nice for him to meet the twins at last. They both have his eyes!"

:)

Or nice but bland.

mumuseli · 03/06/2025 19:19

It might be that she is very insecure.
Or it might be that he has (either inadvertently or deliberately) made her feel insecure. Sometimes men say dumb insensitive things… my DP talked about a friend (still a friend of his/ours) who he once had a thing for but, he says “she was out of my league”. 🙄 That comment bugged me for ages, but I’m over it now, mainly cos she makes an effort with me as she knows the ‘girl code’. So I know it’s him I should be annoyed with, not her.
Anyway, I agree with the advice about keeping it breezy. Once you’ve met each other, you’ll probably both feel much better.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 03/06/2025 19:16

babystarsandmoon · 03/06/2025 14:43

‘I moved on a very long time ago. Please don’t mention it any further’.

I wouldn't say this as it sounds like you still have feelings for him and don't want reminding.

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 03/06/2025 18:59

OP, you missed your big chance to quote the Queen.

"Recollections may vary" would have fit this perfectly.

I doubt he is being honest although you are probably a lovely person, because if you had been the love of his life, he would have chased you a teeny bit.
Instead, 20 years on you are his excuse to keep his wife feeling insecure.
He's still playing at not committing to whichever woman is fool enough to have him in their life.

Shetlands · 03/06/2025 18:53

If what she says is true (ie he said that to her) then he's a nasty piece of work! Imagine being married to a man who tells you that another woman was the love of his life? Why would he say such an unkind thing to his wife unless it was to hurt her / keep her feeling grateful he married her as second best? Pig.

Boredofchange · 03/06/2025 18:42

He’s still not nice - he’s making sure his wife knows she is not the love of his life .

the reply you say you are going to use was a good one - though I think I’d want to make sure it was obvious he didn’t treat you well and that you’ve got no interest in him .

Exasperated24 · 03/06/2025 18:35

newbalanced · 03/06/2025 18:25

I meant more that I would romanticise the past x

Sorry, I think I get what you mean. I just don’t get why you would though. You know the truth.

I had similar in I had an ex that I was way more into and he’d pick me up and drop me and if I ever heard he’d said I was the one that got away theres no way I’d be romanticising and wondering ‘what if he rally felt that?’

Because I know there was no way he thought that. Sounds like you’re as sure as I am that that wasn’t his reality so just remember that and laugh to yourself.

I think the response you said you were going with was a good one.

diddl · 03/06/2025 18:33

it’s probably her trying to establish/find her place in a group that’s known each other for years

It could be that.

She may have sent messages to others as well.

GintyM · 03/06/2025 18:32

Probably this… Wow, the one that got away? That’s flattering… and wildly generous with the truth 😅.
Honestly, it was a long time ago, and I chalk it up as one of those youthful chapters we all have. No drama, no lingering feelings – I’m very happily married and just looking forward to celebrating the big day with everyone. All good from my side!

Byebyechicken · 03/06/2025 18:31

Sounds to me that your ex is an avoidant type of man and you are his phantom ex.

I feel sorry for his wife, being married to an avoidant if this is the case and it certainly sounds like it.

newbalanced · 03/06/2025 18:31

BrunetteBarbie94 · 03/06/2025 16:45

This happened to me OP! A relationship in which he picked me up and down like a toy and refused to ever properly commit to me, lo and behold everytime he had a girlfriend he would start calling her my name/just be super dodgy/calling me all the time (but not actually cheating) and the gf would HATE my guts even though I never ever did anything inappropriate.

I realised (like a PP) that I was just being used so that he could avoid emotional intimacy with the current gf. Mine was a typical dismissive avoidant and I became the "phantom ex" but yes its all nonsense.

I ran away too and if they actually had us again they'd probably start pining over someone else. Just a silly loop to a avoid combining emotional and physical intimacy.

I would also be bright and breezy and probably make clear he wasn't the love of your life.

Men like that literally forget bad memories and when they have space fantasise about the good as don't have to be afraid of emotional intimacy with you any more. It's totally fucked up.

It is certainly strange how people can erase their behaviour from a story, and make it what they want!

OP posts:
newbalanced · 03/06/2025 18:27

Backupbatterydown · 03/06/2025 17:12

Still in shock at how common a thing this clearly is! What wankers!

Me too!!

OP posts:
newbalanced · 03/06/2025 18:27

Goditsmemargaret · 03/06/2025 16:57

Ok I think this is weird AF from his wife.

My theory; you grew out of tolerating bad behaviour and emotional abuse but he didn't grow out of delivering it. He has now found a suitable match; someone who will dance to his stupid tunes. He's using you to torment her and she's allowing it to happen.

I would be so blase.

Gosh that's a blast from the past, we were teenagers! Looking forward to the hen, I think it's going to be a fun weekend. X

This is such a great analysis x

OP posts:
newbalanced · 03/06/2025 18:25

Exasperated24 · 03/06/2025 17:55

Oh God. Were you really going to?

You’re supposed to be happily married. Your poor husband and his poor wife.

I meant more that I would romanticise the past x

OP posts:
newbalanced · 03/06/2025 18:24

Thank you all so much for your input. It’s been really helpful. I sent the “ah we were just teenagers” style reply and she replied immediately that she was looking forward to getting to know those people who mean so much to her husband!!!!

Im not going to reply to that at all, I just thumbs upped it.

either he or she is delusional about what happen 20 YEARS AGO! And as others advised, the version he is dragging out is non of my business.

Spoke about it to my other best friend (MoH and brides twin) and she thinks it’s probably her trying to establish/find her place in a group that’s known each other for years as even though I don’t live in the town, I’m still close to many who do and am involved in many get togethers. I’m not quite sure how Ex and I have avoided bumping into each other before now to be fair and I hope it stays that way after this!!

OP posts:
Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 03/06/2025 18:15

RedhairDL · 03/06/2025 14:39

“Oh we were just teenagers! 😂. But thank you. I appreciate that. Looking forward to the hen do!”

👌

funinthesun19 · 03/06/2025 18:12

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/06/2025 14:38

I would say something like 'I'm sure it was a lot more casual than that! All a very long time ago now' or similar. You don't want it to be weird at your friend's wedding.

Edited

This is good. “I’m sure it was a lot more casual than that.”

And hope that message gets back to him!

I bet he’s loving all the attention he probably thinks he’s getting from you both. So it will be good to remind him that the only woman giving him any attention is his wife and there will be no romantic movie type reunion for you both.

ThisChic · 03/06/2025 18:02

Sassybooklover · 03/06/2025 14:35

Seems to me like she's 'fishing' to see if your relationship was serious and or/if you potentially have feelings for him. Not sure why a man would tell his current girlfriend, that a girlfriend he had years ago 'was the love of his life' and 'the one that got away'?!! There wouldn't be any need to say anything! It would do nothing but potentially make the girlfriend feel second best and insecure! I would reply back 'Oh my goodness, that was a lifetime ago, glad that X is happy'. Keep it very neutral, polite and don't feel the need to explain yourself.

I second this, I’m not sure that your ex actually sais those things to his new wife…. It does sound like she’s fishing.

Doseofreality · 03/06/2025 18:01

Just reply “It was long time ago, we’ve all changed a fair bit since then. Looking forward to xxxx night out, it should be a great night”.

Puts her at ease and comes across casual and friendly.

TheOmbudsmansComingtoGetYou · 03/06/2025 17:56

Don’t go deep and overthink it. A breezy “ah we were just teens” is fine. Don’t insert yourself into their relationship by dropping hints or implying you were treated badly etc. There’s just no need.

Exasperated24 · 03/06/2025 17:55

newbalanced · 03/06/2025 15:29

I’m feeling rather sorry for her. Seems he’s hardly changed.

im glad I posted here as it’s made sure I don’t romantise this whole strange scenario!

Oh God. Were you really going to?

You’re supposed to be happily married. Your poor husband and his poor wife.

westerdays · 03/06/2025 17:54

The Royal Family coined a very handy and dignified phrase for situations like this.

"Recollections may vary" regarding that.

This would maybe plant seeds in her mind as to the accuracy of what he has told her.

MaryTheTurtle · 03/06/2025 17:50

It’s your ex’s issue. If you have no intention of taking him back don’t bother to respond, block and delete

LAMPS1 · 03/06/2025 17:48

“I moved away, yes -to university and he stayed put, but that seems like a life time ago now. Thanks for reaching out, I’m looking forward to meeting you and having a really good night at the hen”

OchreRaven · 03/06/2025 17:42

‘Oh really?? I think he exaggerated a bit- more like angsty teenage drama! Hopefully we have both matured now. Thanks for reaching out. Looking forward to getting to know you at the hen.’

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