What should I respond to ex loves wife?

Sounds like she wants your side of the story as she's aware of you now and wants to know from your perspective.Most men would not tell their current woman about the "love of their life"as that's just asking for trouble! No, he has glazed it over, she doesn't believe him. She wants you to tell her it was nothing, he wants to make her jealous. You had a lucky escape!

I would be polite to her. If it was me, I’d say thanks, appreciate her reaching out. That I was young and didn’t take the relationship that seriously so you had no idea. Tell her you’re happily married and hope they are too. Then change the subject to the wedding events and keep it light - see you there kind of thing.

He sounds delightful, if I was a cynical person I’d say that this is a lie he told his wife to keep her insecure about him! Brush over it, even better downplay the seriousness of it!

Treat her as a friend to get to know. DP and I see ExDH and his wife when DCs or DGCs have an event. So don’t have issues. A hug greeting and goodbye and that’s it.
DP lived in Sweden for 16 years with his Swedish wife, until they divorced, and it seems ex partners mix with each other as a matter of course. Much better for all concerned than having to choose one partner or the other because they will not be in the same room together.

I do not remember it like that, at all, but anyway, we were just kids, and it's all water under the bridge... that is all.

Your ex obviously hasn’t changed over the 20 years. You made a wise move all those years ago. You grew up. Sounds like he never did. He’s an immature twat who is now winding his wife up, just like he used to do with you. Obs can’t be sure of the wife’s motive but I think the general advice you’ve already received here is sound. Reply should be bland and friendly .. “ oh it was a looonngg time ago and we both had a bit of growing up to do … “

Smack her in the gob.

Ahahaha I've got an ex like this. When I heard something similar to this from his wife at an old uni friend's wedding I nearly spat my drink out, because it was news to me! He never gave any indication of feeling that way about me at the time! Similar age too, first uni boyfriend.

I'm guessing your ex might have been similar OP, possibly too young/immature to commit at the time and did the whole "don't know what you've got til it's gone" thing.

I think I just brushed it off and said it was a long time ago and we were still kids really, young, dumb and having fun!

He went through a phase of occasionally hitting up my DMs when he'd had a drink and saying silly things, I think they might have gone through a rough patch and I would always tell him to wheesht, count his blessings and focus on what was in front of him. Hopefully, you won't get any of that nonsense!

😆😆😆

No. To break the ice and diffuse the situation, at the same time closing down further discussion of the subject.

Humour is just once of the tools which might be used to do that.

'Drama' is evidently a word in your language. It's also, in Mumsnet parlance, a word used to close down what women say when that happens to be something other women dislike.

It isn't a word in mine.

If there is awkwardness now, it's only because she's created it. I'd just respond with a lighthearted quip to the tune of 'Funny! You have to wonder which distorts people's vision more: beer goggles or the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia!' And then refuse to engage any further on the subject.

Why? Just to make a point? In the vain hope it would make you appear clever, or to “really show him”?

A simple “Honestly, no need to feel awkward - it was all over years ago” is all that’s needed here. Unless you enjoy drama.

I really resent people even attempting to involve me in their silly relationship issues. This is an overstep and it's hard to imagine why anyone would think sending that message a good idea.

Why should you trouble yourself with questions of whether he's negging her, or if she's fishing for private details about the past? Who even cares if it's 'awkward?' The exes of DH's that I've met have been perfectly pleasant women and there's no need for any awkwardness of the kind. We are all adults.

If there is awkwardness now, it's only because she's created it. I'd just respond with a lighthearted quip to the tune of 'Funny! You have to wonder which distorts people's vision more: beer goggles or the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia!' And then refuse to engage any further on the subject.

Jane Austen had exactly the right idea:

Lady Catherine: 'I am almost the nearest relation he has in the world, and am entitled to know all his dearest concerns'.
Elizabeth Bennet: 'But you are not entitled to know mine; nor will such behaviour as this ever induce me to be explicit!'😄

I would have said that, that ‘I’m surprised he said that to you given he wasn’t that keen when we were together on and off. Anyway, it’s all in the past, looking forward to the hen do’.

I see message has been sent and she won’t mention it again hopefully.

Well according to another thread if a women thinks a man is cheating he is cheating so she probably thinks you are both having an affair?

But say you have moved on and do so

Well that goes under the ‘nothing at all’ as in not referencing the past situation.

I should have probably said I don’t mean not talking at all.

Surely the best option of all is a polite “Hello Tony - been years! Hello again Jane - recovered from the hen do yet? Haha! Doesn’t Sarah look beautiful?” And then OP can talk to the many other people she knows there instead.

Completely agree with you. That ‘dick move’ comment would be a really strange to send to a woman the Op doesn’t even know.

Wouldn’t it be better to just say nothing at all. Lack of any kind of interest sends a bigger message than engagement.

Why? Who uses someone else’s wedding to create their own mini-drama?

There are dozens of people at most weddings. OP probably won’t necessarily get much time with the people she does want to speak to; never mind going out of her way to show everyone just how over her ex she is.

My post was supposed to quote this particular piece of vitriol…

Really? You like this? Because it sounds to me like a pretty appalling thing to do. Why “hint that her BF [actually her husband] is playing games”? Why insert yourself into someone else’s marriage like that? The OP has a happy marriage of her own. It would be pretty offensive to her husband to start playing games in her ex’s marriage out of some desire for a revenge she never thought she needed before this message. And it’s downright cruel to his wife, who is not responsible for whatever line he has been spinning her.

Even if the wife is exaggerating to dig for some info, there’s someone else who is affected by any drama at this hen do - someone almost everyone on this thread has forgotten. The bride presumably likes both these women enough to want them at her hen do, despite the potential awkwardness around their connection. All the posters recommending the supposedly “clever” responses designed to be one in the eye for her ex (and to create a bit of drama for us all to follow on here) don’t seem to care that ramping up the tension at a completely innocent woman’s hen do is a really quite shitty thing to do.

As much as I prefer to avoid the “first post nails it” cliche, in this case it really did. A calm, sensible suggestion designed to minimise tension for everyone.

But what are you going to do at the actual wedding OP? You’ll have got to know his wife at the hen-do, so will surely be obliged to be very friendly to both of them at the wedding.

With the wine flowing, I’d be so tempted to enact revenge…”Gosh, it’s so lovely to see you…it’s been so long, I can literally hardly remember anything about that childhood sweetheart-type time in my life…” etc.

Sounds like you have sorted it, but anything further and I would say something like " ha ha teenage hormones .. all good fun, but nothing like real grown up love eh?" (and yes I know teenagers can feel real love before anyone comes at me)