SAHM … would you in these circumstances?

This is always my first thought. No, you don’t need to work hard at school like your male classmates do. You can just hook a rich man and have him fund you through life. Any skills you acquire will be wasted.
No thank you. I don’t care if my daughter doesn’t have a white collar job when she is older. As long as she does her best at whatever

I LOVED being a SAHM. I'm losing it now because my husband has left me so of course I have to go back, it will be very hard. Your circumstances sound quite different though, you have a lot of financial clout. I wouldn't marry, being the asset holder, you could end up losing half your house and half your inheritance and he'll have to pay CM either way.

It might be novel for a month but year after year it can become tedious. You need to get married as well.

YABU for saying £80k is "okay".

I agree with the others - don't do this unless you're married. Given you've worked hard to reach that level, I wouldn't give up work unless I was doing a job where a return to a job of an equal level was absolutely guaranteed. There are so many women who end up in jobs that they wouldn't have dreamed of doing otherwise because they had a few years off.

Are you able to buy extra weeks off work?

Get married then see how you both feel about it. Don't do this unmarried.

I've just had half term off with the kids and currently feel I would happily give up paid work if we could afford it.
Probably wouldn't in reality though.

Unmarried, and potentially another mat leave...I think it's risky. Think of the position if you were to split - you've moved, have less pension, halted/potentially damaged career to look after your child who belongs to both of you. How would you recover financially from a split?
Is there any scope for him to top up your pension while you are a SAHM? Would you be expected to contribute financially from any savings or from rental income?

It does sound like a nice life, especially with DC in nursery a few days a week!
I'd probably consider it, if you can weigh up what position you'd be in post split and if you're happy with how that looks.

Promises of 'I'd never leave you short' etc and thinking it'll never happen count for nothing.

Also - what's the agreement for other household duties while you're a SAHM? Are you on call 24/7 and responsible for all cooking/cleaning/life admin/childcare etc while he does nothing once he's finished work?
How does that look when you're on a family holiday? Does he get to relax because he 'goes to work and it's his holiday', or are you both relaxing equally during this time.
A lot to think about.

A month off work doing what you did sounds fun and prob a breath of fresh air

a lifetime not on your Nelly

why can’t you move in. Still work. Still have another child. Get childcare

I would only consider it for the short term if you have very clear legally binding financial agreements with y partner or get married. I would not consider it if another move was on the cards in a year or two, I found it incredibly hard to start again multiple times with young children.
only consider it if you are sure your career can take the hit. Eg, after 5years all my references had moved on so weren’t as valuable which massively effected my hireability

I wouldn't consider it without being married.

And if you were married, would your money still be completely separate from your husbands? If so, I wouldn't consider it either unless strict legal plans where put in place regarding payment into your pension etc. I can never get my head around that on mumsnet -the amount of married couples who have separate finances! Unless there is some issue involved obviously such as gambling, abuse of some kind etc etc.

For me it depends what family wealth we’re talking about & how easy it would be for you to get back up to 85k if you had say 5 years out and were starting again.

If you have say a 700k house mortgage free then yeah I might do it, you could sell that & keep yourself going for years if needed.

If you could realistically step back in at the same salary after a break, plus 2 young children to juggle potentially solo, then maybe.

But even then I probably wouldn’t unless married.

Dc are precious and I understand wanting to spend time with them. (I’m a full time working mum). Have you considered part time though? Can’t you get some work where your dh wants to move to?

I'm not a big fan of the "man with a big job / SAHM" model anyway, but I think it's risky to give up your job and relocate when you're not married and your DP has no obligation to support you financially

If you enjoy it do it for how ever long you want to. I did with 4 DC I loved every minute of it even missed them when they went back to school after holidays. Looked forward to them being home in the holidays. I see so may people moaning on here about when their DC are off school how much they struggle just for 2 weeks at Christmas. They don't seem to like spending time with them.

I think I would base my decision on a few things - how the relationship is and your partner's attitude to money being one. Also whether your line of work is one likely to be impacted by taking years out. Would your skills, qualifications or professional registration expire? Finally what it would be like for you to live as a single parent in your husband's preferred location in the event that you separated. Would you be able to work there? OP is in a fortunate position financially and this would not necessarily improve by being married, all other things being equal.

achieved totally the reverse tbh @Jjye 😁

just adding also, reading your updates, you seem to be independently, financially secure for the future.

After giving it careful consideration, if a more relaxed life balance suits you, then just do what fills yer soul.

The starting point seems to be that you want to SAH to have time to yourself, not for your DC. That means that your partner is funding you, not his children. That will put a very different spin on things when he's working all the hours, and will feel entitled to throw in your face that you should do everything else seeing as he's paying for everything (not correct, but he could). You wouldn't be able to say that you reluctantly gave everything up for his children. Are you ok with that?

Is your house worth enough for you to join the workforce years down the line on a much lower salary and 50/50 custody of two children?

I wouldn't dream of this without marriage, and wills in place. People change (including you). You need to protect your and your children's futures. I don't think you've thought about this enough.

Absolutely not. In my personal experience it changes the dynamics of the relationship. On top of that you quickly deskill, lose confidence and re-entering employment seems very overwhelming. It can also be very lonely. If you move you wouldn't have the friendship group or support network you have now.

If you do decide to do it I'd discuss everything before. What will the distribution of labour be like? Who will be doing what and when? What parenting role will he be taking? How much financial support will he be giving you.

You don't want to end up doing everything for everyone all of the time.

what about your private pension? Would he set up something and pay in for you or would you just be left with a gap in contributions?

No, it would be a terrible example to set to a daughter.

@Jjye i mean as you said no one can answer that but for me that would be a no. A sabbatical is very different than a sham in my opinion. And you are thinking about moving so you won’t have your friends. I have done all of the above sabbatical, sham, working mum, currently live abroad for my husband’s job and it’s less glamorous than it looks.

I was a SAHM for five years and by the end I didn’t enjoy it at all, I often felt trapped and it was hard to get back on the job ladder. Everyone I know in my generation who has done it enjoys the first couple of years then not so much. I think it works if you have excellent community around you and plenty of support, plus opportunities to fulfil your own need for mental stimulation/purpose eg further study or volunteering. If you become one to be a maid/doormat/nanny it does lose its appeal in the end.

I struggled with the relentlessness of it, eg holidays with the kids didn’t feel like a break because they were still there, I was just doing the same sht in a different location. I also really struggled with a sense of lack of achievement. If the children do good things, we praise them, if they do bad things, we judge their SAHparent. I’m a reward driven person, so I felt I ended up seeking my own fulfilment through my children’s achievements, which is a lot of pressure for a child.
whereas now, I watch my children do cool stuff eg a music concert and think, wow, they are amazing! And just feel a simpler joy and love for them with no link to my own identity

Why on earth would you even?! Keep yourself independent and in the game!

I never regretted the 5 years I spent as aa SAHM - it was a joy.

You have financial security in the form of a major asset - your home - and presumably have skills that could come back into play for a career once the children are at school.

So - if it is what you want - then do it.

There is more than one sort of work. Looking after your chidlren is one; pursuing a career outside the home is another.

Women's Lib fought for your right to make that choice.

Keep your job op. Life throws unexpected things at us sometimes and we're all only a couple of events away from something negatively life changing.

No. Especially not as you aren’t married. Keep working and make sure your pension is taken care of.