SAHM … would you in these circumstances?

If you’re going to the Middle East, I would not do that in a million years for a variety of reasons.

You sound like you can cope financially for now. I could never be a stay at home mum though. I could never depend on a man for my monthly money, unless I couldn’t work due to health problems. I would not want the identity of being a stay at home parent either.

Only you can make this decision though.

Hi, I’m a SAHM and thought I’d share my thoughts!

You’ll get a lot of people telling you to keep working for security in case something goes wrong in your relationship. You will probably read their posts and think it will never happen, it might not! I love being a SAHM but I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t married.

I’m currently on maternity leave with my second baby, with a two year old who goes to nursery twice a week. This balance works well having a bit of time just with the baby, and when I’m not on maternity leave I work two days a week. I have a lovely quite social job so I really like going to work and don’t find it stressful - I really like the balance of SAHM most of the time but I also get a bit of time to be myself at work.

I wonder whether the solution is get married, go part time (two-three days) then have another baby so you have maternity leave, see how you feel if you like being a SAHM all the time or you like a change for a couple of days with your work.

This is exactly what I think! Not sure really what the benefit to OP would be if they were to get married? If anything it might be worse in case of assets if they were to split later on.

What do you mean by move? From Devon to Cornwall is one thing, but moving from Devon to Saudi Arabia or Australia is quite another, especially if you have another child in that country. You could end up stuck there without a career or a partner if you split up.

Go part time, but do not give up your job. Keep your skills and networks up to date because once they’re gone they’re incredibly hard to get back.

An inheritance of £700k isn’t a life changing amount of money for people like you with a high income. In the SE that’ll get you a 4 bed detached house, but not much else.

To be honest, I'd probably choose to be a SAHM especially as you fancy a second child. You can use the income from renting out your current house to sustain you as long as your partner is paying most of the bills?
If you have a wealthy family anyway, you have much lower risk and if all goes wrong you can move back to your old house? I really don't see much of an issue to be honest..
If you ended up separating, it would be a good thing you never got married as the old (current) house is all in your name!

Without a question, as long as we were married.

Given the Op owns a mortgage free house in her name and is possibly going to have a very large inheritance getting married shouldn't be as automatic as it would be for many.

That needs careful advice and consideration as she has the bulk of the assets in the relationship as it stands

If you want to keep your finances separate and not be tied to DP then being a SAHM and reliant on him paying for nursery and other bills is a bit of a contradiction in terms!

I loved being a sahm and would recommend it, but only if you are married. Also, it would be a good idea to make sure you will be able to go back to work at some point in the future - unlike me!

Do you still keep your finances very separate? How would you feel being reliant on him financially? Is he comfortable fully disclosing his financial situation with you, or is he private about it? You said you would “consider marriage in future perhaps” - why the hesitancy?

There’s just a lot of questions to ask before making that kind of decision. As someone who was a SAHM for 3 years, it was great having that time with my kids, but it messed with my mental health, felt a big loss of identity and then what do you plan to do with your time when they start school? Could you find yourself a part-time job so you have a bit of balance?

I would do it, but have contingencies. What if he gets too ill to work? Am i happy with how my pension would look? What happens if he cheats? Etc etc.

Bear in mind that to your DP you will be a different person if you become a SAHM. He got together with a professional woman who made quite a lot of money. Being with someone who was capable of being on his level career wise was probably quite important to him and something that made you attractive as a spouse. If you now become a SAHM and move to a new area where you don't know people your world will become very small and a lot of it will just revolve around him, especially socially. It's quite possible this will change your relationship quite substantially and that he will find you less interesting whilst you will be desperate for his company. This all sounds quite harsh, but you need to consider it if you are contemplating giving up so much of what is you for his career.

All I'm saying that it is like groundhog day at times, being a SAHM! A lot of the mums I know who initially loved spending all day with their babies couldn't wait to get back to working full time! Just make sure you have things in order, especially independent finances should anything go awry!

Obviously doing this without being married would be absolutely bonkers - you'd be 'enhancing his career' and he could just walk away at any point and leave you with difficulty in picking up yours. I wouldn't do it married or not, but 100% not unmarried.

I would.

What sort of home do you own outright and what is the income from it or what will the income from it be if you move somewhere with him.

It doesn't sound as risky as someine with no assets or income giving up work.

Things id be considering would be things like others have mentioned, what happens if you split, can you resurrect your career or would a break detriment you?

have you thought about your private pension payments; would he continue paying those,
would you have a private spending allowance, or are you using your savings?
is he covering more of the household bills % wise, or are you expected to cover your 50%
What happens with unexpected expenditure - how is that split

Trying to pre-empt some of the financial abuse scenarios...

I think your concept of the difference between earning 85k and earning 100k is a bit out of whack - bearing in mind taxes, these incomes aren’t as different as your post suggests, or as different as earning, say, 20k and 35k.

Plus the extra grand gifted to you every few months, you’re incomes are going to be roughly the same.

Also, when you had your time off, you weren’t really a SAHM if your dd was at nursery “a few times” a week. It was more of an unpaid holiday. Would you keep this nursery provision of you were to give up work completely? If so, does your DH know this is what you’re thinking? (Edit - I have now seen he is aware)

I wouldn’t give up work without the security of marriage, no.

And I fail to see the point now you’ve got past the very early years - you dd will be in school soon!

So you're not being completely honest saying you want to be at home with your DD are you? Could you work part time while your DD is in nursery.

As others have said, there's no chance I'd do this without being married

No it's not. What a misogynistic viewpoint. Women's unpaid labour is not to be looked down upon or undervalued.

I think you need to have a lot of tough conversations with your partner before making that choice. Some of them being:

• Getting married is an absolute must before sacrificing your career and your income. You need to love him like you're never splitting up, but have your ducks in a row in case you do.
• How are you going to be sharing finances? There should be no 'he's paying for nursery' when you're a SAHM. Your joint money is family income, regardless of who has collected the paycheck. His sacrifice for the family is his time towards paid labour. Your sacrifice to the family is putting your career on the back-burner and being home so you can be an actively involved parent. He is doing paid labour to allow you to do your part, and you're staying home to allow him to do his part. Both are to be valued equally, and both should give you rights to the family income. His vote shouldn't count higher when choosing how to spend this money.
• How is he going to use his income to supplement your pension and increase your financial worth? You no longer have an income, so you can not grow your savings accounts and equity. He's the one with the income. He should be doing that for you. That means pension plans to make up for the years not working, investing for you, paying off mortgages in both your names, ...
• What is the back-up plan in case of things like his illness or death, him losing his job, either of you wanting to leave the relationship. You don't want to be thinking of your back-up plan in the event of these terrible things. You need to know right now how you're going to financially overcome this. Otherwise you need a back-up income.
• How is the dynamic between you going to change when you're a SAHM? Does he expect you to take care of all household and childcare related tasks, 24/7? Or is he realistic and understanding that his job takes up his time for anything between 40-50 hours a week and you being a SAHM mom shouldn't be a 168 hours a week task.

The SAHM thing has its benefits if you are well off and have childcare help. It is lovely to have time to yourself. And if you are enjoying doing the grunt work on the days the kids aren’t in childcare then you can have a very nice lifestyle.

BUT it changes the dynamic - you will be chasing his career and that will dictate a lot of things. You will have less say over big things like where you move. I’m not saying you’ll have no say, but your reasoning, even to yourself, will probably be different. And you will be the default, always picking up the pieces. If DP wants to head off for a week for work there’s no negotiation over whether your commitments clash, you’re expected to just pick up the pieces. It will be much harder to put your enjoyment of life on par with DP’s and the kids’. You will likely be expected to entertain yourself during the week day and do the babysitting in the evenings and weekends whenever DP wants to go off and do something for himself. This is normally fine initially but lots of SAHM’s find it gets wearying as time goes on, especially if you grow a part a bit as a couple. Will you have equal access to his income and have your pension paid into, or will you be expected to fund your own lifestyle from ever dwindling capital or whatever hand outs he’s happy to make on any given day? The way you talk about him saying he’ll pay for 2 - 3 days of nursery comes across as it all being in his gift rather than you being equally able to influence how the two of you live.

There’s also the issue of needing to move to do this - just as you have a new baby. Where to? A new area and especially a new country is generally harder to settle into with a baby. You wont have a network of your own there and it can be hard to break into a new community unless it’s a fairly transient one with people moving in and out all the time. And as others have pointed out - if it’s another country that can be a nightmare if you ever do want to separate.

If you will be able to walk back in to your profession, you will retain your choices and a lot of your power. If that is the case then enjoying a few years while your children are small may be a good choice (assuming other concerns are not too great). If it’s not the case I think it would be foolish, even if your DP pays into your pension and splits whatever spare cash you have each month with you so you can continue to build your savings. The ability to earn a good wage (which you currently do, and which will probably increase over time) is huge financially, it would take a lot of capital to make it sensible to give that up.

So just a few things most of which others have said. You loved it TO BEGIN WITH. I had some time off and it was great at first and then I was bored shitless and really struggled with it being my whole life. And for me showing my children an independent strong, smart woman was important.

Taking away your financial independence, no guarantee of relationship (marriage isn’t either but financially better) etc.

This all sounds good but honestly I wouldn’t do it.

tbf @Readytohealnow

@Jjye is independently wealthy, earns a "modest" 85K 😉and is

"due to inherit around 700k but obviously there are lots of variables to that and it’s not guaranteed"

She's not just hooking up with a rich guy.

Do you have a career that's easy to get back into after a multi-year break or would you be deskilled after 3/4 year to the point you'd have no chance of getting back on 85k?

Where is the location that DH wants to move to? Would that work for going back to work? Would you be allowed to work there? How far away is it and would you easily be able to return home if you split up?

Would your DP continue paying your pension at the rate you're currently paying in? How much of an impact would the loss of employers contribution make?

Normally "get married" would be the automatic advice in this situation, but if you're currently in a better financial position with your house than him, and you have a potentially very large inheritance then you need to work that one out carefully as it may not be as automatic for you.

Also consider the house side of things - being a SAHP generally means doing the bulk of the housework in most homes. How would that dynamic work? Would your DP stop doing everything?

Whilst he's suggested putting your DD in nursery for some downtime for you what does that mean for the rest of evenings and weekends? Is that split time or is she going to be your sole responsibility the entire time she's at home?