SAHM … would you in these circumstances?

Why would that benefit OP?

If you are financially more secure being married, then marry first. If you stand to lose out then don’t, keep your career bubbling along. If it’s overseas do not do it. You will be a trailing spouse and very vulnerable. I have enjoyed being a SAHP and it took the pressure off as a family. It’s not for everyone but I loved it!

Get married first.

No since you’re not married. It’s not just about money, please don’t underestimate it.

Yes I did after having 3rd dc (had a great career earning 6 figures plus 14 years ago). Was out for about 10 years (went back 4 days a week working from home after covid). Loved being with my dc whilst they were young. Got back fairly easily on a returnship which was all the rage back then. Am currently working to top up my pension until my youngest is 18 when I will retire and travel.
We never had power /financial imbalances. Never felt there was a his money/my money thing. I also owned my own home from before I met him and I always had the confidence that I could get back into work if I needed it.
Personally I think you have one life and if sahm is something you would enjoy give it a go. There are risks but far less in your position than for most (although might want to consider getting married).

Aside from the money, would you want this life? Staying home all day isn't for everyone. I would miss having a job and adult company.

You had presumably a great job and are ambitious? Why can't you stay where you are and have 2 dc's without being a sahm on those salaries?

Rental income perhaps. Inheritance, no. That’s capital, not income.

OP will be giving up earning potential - a huge financial sacrifice - while he will be increasing his. Earning potential isn’t something you can really share in a break up. OP needs to keep a hold of all the assets she can if she goes the SAHM route.

I see your point, but her partner is prepared to share his earnings with her so I think she should be prepared to share her potential rental income and inheritance with him.

A lot of this advice doesn't make sense.

Marraige is advisable in a lot of situation, but not necessarily this one as the OP has options.

If the relationship goes south, the OP has a death free house she can move into (as soon as she gets the tenants out), has monetary family support and also has a skillset and earning power that would allow her to return to the workplace (even if salary is lower for a while).

It's far different to an OP with no housing options or limited earning potential.

OP, there will always be risks with something like this. The main concern is if it's abroad somewhere you couldn't return with the children if you wished, in the event of a split.

Would you consider trying part time first to see how you find it rather than fully committing? Also, agree everything very clearly in advance do you and your partner's expectations are aligned.

As always this thread shows such a negative view of relationships and marriage. It's all about if he leaves you what happens... if you have assets you shouldn't marry him... IMO if you are a couple and get married then everything is pooled. If you are SAHM and he is earning it's much the same, joint account and mutual decisions on how to spend money. Likewise he will get access to income from the mortgage free home if rented out. You shouldn't be any more or any less in a position of power whether working or not if this is a healthy relationship. If your only concern is how to get out of this relationship and financial security as a single person then I think the relationship is simply not right for you.

As for SAHM it's a nice life, I did it for a while and enjoyed a nice lifestyle as dh earned 6 figures. But i found I lacked focus and direction and was both exhausted and bored after a few years. I went back to work PT when youngest started school and have absolutely no regrets about it. That said I work few hours term time only and have little responsibility. Sometimes i yearn for more but on balance I've done very well and we have an easy life. I constantly hear people moaning about being overwhelmed by domestic stuff and too tired at weekends to do anything but we don't have those issues. I work hard during the week so I do v little at weekends and both dh and i take time to ourselves to pursue hobbies or social lives. I consider myself extremely lucky.

Don’t understand (i.e. would people explaining it be useful) or don’t agree with?

In a family with children and a committed relationship I don’t understand his and her money

@RoachFish

"giving up her life" She's not though, is she?

She's making an informed, intelligent decision, that's right for her.

"I’m now really keen on the idea of moving with dp to enhance his career and keeping my home rented out and being a stay at home mum.

Probably ttc in a few months."

She is not beholden wrt finances.

Bottom line @RoachFish we can agree to disagree, for me though, @Jjye is in a powerful, purely autonomous position.

Don’t ask on Mumsnet, OP! There are far too many women here who sneer at other women who choose to be a SAHM. It’s not seen as ‘real’ job and looked down on by far too many women here. Yes, think about going back to work, pension, etc, but if you want to do it, then do it!

I was a SAHM and loved it. I’d have hated to miss out on those early years and my DC benefited from it. If you’re wanting to have a second child, it’s a no-brainer to be a SAHM in my opinion. Go for it - and also, know that being a SAHP is setting just as good an example to your DC as having a salaried job, contrary to the sneers here.

I actually think this is sadly true for some men.
I have definitely heard of similar whining from a type of man whose ego was flattered by being with a high achieving woman.

It certainly isn't all men, but its disingenuous to not believe that some men use this as an excuse as to why they wandered🙄

Why when she's currently the one of them with assets?

Unmarried, definitely not

I am not reducing anyone but going from a career woman (because I think she probably is one to make that sort of money) who is independently wealthy to a SAHM relying on her DP to pay the bills is life changing and in my experience driven women rarely thrive in that situation. I met plenty of them as an expat. It's not all about how her DP will view her, it's actually more about OP losing her identity and that identity is the one that her DP happened to fall in love with. There is very little intellectual stimulation in looking after babies and toddlers after all even if it is enriching in other ways.

It's fine that we have different opinions on this, but nevertheless OP is taking a big risk by moving herself away from her area to further her DPs career and giving up her life as she has known it until now.

Drop to 2 days a week at work, once you come put it is notoriously difficult to get back to your previous career at the same level. It gives you freedom, flexibility and still that independence that you should definitely keep.

I would get married at my first step

@Arran2024 is this the correct thread?

I did it, albeit because i adopted children with additional needs. Loads of women do it. It's your life. Do what you think is right for you and your family. Sign up for carer credits so your NI will be paid. https://www.gov.uk/carers-credit

I have just re-read your original post @RoachFish, purely because I wanted to ensure that I was being totally fair in my assessment.

You said

"Bear in mind that to your DP you will be a different person

Being with someone who was capable of being on his level career wise was probably quite important to him

your world will become very small

he will find you less interesting

you will be desperate for his company"

I understand that this "may" have been your lived experience?

Reducing a woman to what a man may think of her because of how she would prefer to live her life, is quite frankly, outrageous.

Do you really believe, what you've actually written?

What does 'due to inherit' mean? Person already died, waiting for probate and a few details to be negotiated is one thing. People still living with no certainty about future care costs or any other decisions - don't count on an inheritance.

Loving one month at home with your dc could feel very different from full time SAHM. During a one month stint your dp would have continued to take wahtever role they had in parenting and household tasks. In a long-term arrangement there may well be an expectation that you take on a much more significant proportion. All night wakings for the new baby (because you don't work). Much larger share of domestic responsibilities (because you don't work). Responsibility for life admin - all family dental appointments, all school events, all planning... (because you don;t work). Even if you are wealthy enough to outsource some tasks, it might still be your responsibility to oversee.

On a personal level I found SAHM my self-esteem was entirely linked to how well (or otherwise) things were going at home. Terrible twos and my esteem was rock bottom. With outside employment I had a more balanced view of what constituted a good day or a good month.

This is what I was thinking.