Saying no a playdate

Have you reported this to children's services? That is definitely something I'd report (I work in safeguarding).

I know it’s well meant but please do not offer a bath to another child in your house whether you think they are smelly or not!

This sounds like my best friend when I was little, she basically lived with us half the time. My mum had to treat her for nits, feed her, all that. The chances of you being offered a play date in return are slim to none, I really don’t think you need to worry about it. Poor girl though, and it’s nice your DD is friends with her! A lot of kids pick up on other children’s neglect and treat them badly because of it.

I'd be honest and say I don't want my dd around smoke and weed.

I’d be giving her a good meal, ask if she’d like a sandwich to take home (in a discreet bag with some stuff) and consider offering them a bath!

Based on your updated reasons for saying no, you are definitely not BU and if you’d added more details in your OP I’d be surprised if you didn’t get 100% Not BUs!

The poster who suggested stating your DD is shy at others’ houses has the right approach, but I’m also in agreement that your DD is unlikely to receive an invitation anytime soon.

I personally would be going out of my way to invite your DD’s friend over for weekly play dates (if not more) to ensure she has a decent meal, positive role models, safe environment etc, and just to be an additional protective factor in her life, but I appreciate this isn’t always possible/appropriate. Poor kid. Well done for caring and notifying school.

asthma; your DD can’t be around smoke of any sort. Will help save face and also mean that you can keep inviting the little girl to yours.

How sad for the little girl. I would also be logging this with your local child protection team - school may well not feel your report alone is sufficient to escalate so it will sit 'on file'. No harm in you reporting directly to SS and worse case they are already aware.

Really can’t see an invite back tbh. We host a lot and hardly get any return invites a lot of people are busy or just can’t be bothered

I’ve been in a similar situation (mum known to social services).

I just said ‘oh thank you, but we can’t do then’ and just invited them to ours every time.

she was happy to let her kids come over, she didn’t seem to notice mine never went to hers or if she did she didn’t say anything.

I very much doubt that they'll ask you. But if they do, you can just keep putting off and they'll get the message.

Yup, chancse of a play date being reciprocated seem slim.

This, absolutely.

But if you possibly can, keep inviting the little girl-you may well be a lifeline for her.

This. Poor kid, it sounds awful for her. It’s good that you’ve raised your concerns with school OP.

It's very unlikely they would offer you a return invite from what you said! And if they do, just say no, "DC is a bit clingy at the moment and I don't want to leave her". They won't be offended, and even if they are I think I'd be ok with that 🤷‍♀️

I agree, this is not an issue because they won’t be offering a play date from the sound of it. If by the off chance they do, just say you have something else planned that day but they don’t seem to care about the child, I don’t see why they’ll want another

You're absolutely not unreasonable to say no. I wouldn't have my dc in a house where anyone smokes inside.

I would think it is unlikely they would bother to offer a playdate from your description.

This is tricky. I might have decreased the chances of a return invite by only having the child round with a group of others or something.

In a similar situation we never did get a return invite. Don't worry about it now, but make your excuses if it arises. It kind of depends what's wrong with them though!

Too much of a drip feed OP
There is a massive difference between you not wanting her going there as they are hoarders to take crack and the fact they have orange wallpaper and you don’t like that colour!

My children are older now but I remember this when my youngest had a friend at school. The child was a little shit boisterous and whilst I tolerated him at my house, there was no way I was letting my child go there. The mother was very outspoken, the young kids were allowed to run feral outside wherever they wanted to and she smoked around them too.
I just said we were busy/child didn’t like to be away from home etc. She stopped asking pretty quickly!
From what I can gather, he’s a nice young man now but back then, the family had different ideas to mine shall we say

Assuming you have a very good reason for this then if you get an invite back, and you might not, then just say DD’s going through a shy phase and is funny about going to others houses unless she knows the family really well or something. Make it sound like it’s a DD issue not an issue you have with them. But really I wouldn’t have invited the girl in the first place if I wasn’t going to allow a reciprocal invite.