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AIBU?

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Original poster

Saying no a playdate

181 replies

Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 10:29

DC2(6) has made a friend in her new school. Kid seems fine, she's coming over for a play tomorrow after much nagging by DD.

I think at some point we'll get an invite back but I absolutely do not want DD going over to their house. DD does have playdates with other friends at their houses and I'm not a helicopter mum but I really don't feel this home is one I'd want DD in.

How do I say no? I don't want to offend the mum or cause issues with DD friendship.

OP posts:
TickingKey46 · 03/06/2025 15:00

I think even with out the safeguarding concerns I wouldn't (and didnt) allow my child to go to another child's house at such a young age. I would just say to the other mother that you don't allow your child playmates with out you being there. You think she's too young atm. Just be upfront.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 03/06/2025 14:59

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:50

Cannabis smoking in a private dwelling isn't a reportable issue to either police or social services.

oh dear

op, it is illegal
therefore is is “reportable”

dear god

Oh for goodness sake!! Are you just looking for an argument?

roundaboutthehillsareshining · 03/06/2025 14:59

Sorry that people are telling you how to do your job! Back in the real world, of course the police or social services aren't going to care about a bit of cannabis in the home, if they did, they'd never get any serious work done.

I'm surprised she's already been invited over, and I wonder if the mum is trying to make a connection with you and give her daughter the opportunity to see a more "stable" way of life. I'd maybe invite the mother to stay for a coffee when the kids are playing at yours, try and make a connection that way. You may be doing her and her daughter a really good turn, as well as your daughter having a friend.

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:58

You work from home “99% of the time”, in development in male donate industry and this is… social worker? 🤔

arcticpandas · 03/06/2025 14:58

@Youbutterbelieve Just be careful OP. I'm a former social worker and my son had a friend who was neglected. I invited him over/took them out a lot because he was an adorable boy, my son liked playing with him and I wanted to be a "safe" adult for the child. The problem is that with a certain kind of people things can get hostile very easily. One day out of nowhere at the school run she started screaming at my son and at me for my son having told her son to not copy him during a test. The teacher had heard it and had moved their seats. A minor issue really but with this unhinged person it became very volatile. Her son wasn't allowed to play with mine anymore. So just tread carefully and don't get too entangled.

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:57

You are a social worker yet very recently posted that you work in “development” in a male dominated industry.

interesting

Original poster
Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:55

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:53

You said it was not a reportable issue

of course an illegal activity is a reportable issue

whether you choose to report or not is a separate matter

sadly you’re choosing not to, although god knows why

Show quote history

Because the safeguarding concerns were the primary issue and I have reported those in the appropriate ways.

A call to the police about people smoking cannabis would do absolutely nothing, where what I actually have done will do more for the child.

OP posts:
Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:54

Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:52

There is no legal requirement for someone to report it.

Do you report cannabis smoking every time you see or smell it? I'd be constantly reporting it if that was the case.

Show quote history

So as a parent and a SW FGS you’re benchmark is “legal requirement” before reporting an illegal offence where a child is living?

depressing

Original poster
Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:53

MounjaroMounjaro · 03/06/2025 14:52

I had a similar situation and pulled out tons of excuses.

Oh no, you've got enough on. They can come here.
My daughter's really shy and gets anxious if she's anywhere without me.
My other DC love it when someone comes to play.

That sort of thing.

Yeah I think that's a good idea.

OP posts:
Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:53

Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:51

No. I said "it isn't a reportable issue".

I said 0 about the legality of it.

Show quote history

You said it was not a reportable issue

of course an illegal activity is a reportable issue

whether you choose to report or not is a separate matter

sadly you’re choosing not to, although god knows why

Original poster
Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:52

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:50

Cannabis smoking in a private dwelling isn't a reportable issue to either police or social services.

oh dear

op, it is illegal
therefore is is “reportable”

dear god

There is no legal requirement for someone to report it.

Do you report cannabis smoking every time you see or smell it? I'd be constantly reporting it if that was the case.

OP posts:
Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:52

Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:49

I don't think it's legal.

I think I'm not required to report it. Which is correct.

Show quote history

oh so now you’re talking about what you’re “required” to so

Rather than fact you know something illegal is happening in a private home where a child is… and thinking “you know what even though I’m not “required” to report this, I’m going to haul my ass and report it”

MounjaroMounjaro · 03/06/2025 14:52

I had a similar situation and pulled out tons of excuses.

Oh no, you've got enough on. They can come here.
My daughter's really shy and gets anxious if she's anywhere without me.
My other DC love it when someone comes to play.

That sort of thing.

Original poster
Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:51

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:49

So now it is illegal

YOU said it was legal.

Show quote history

No. I said "it isn't a reportable issue".

I said 0 about the legality of it.

OP posts:
Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:50

Cannabis smoking in a private dwelling isn't a reportable issue to either police or social services.

oh dear

op, it is illegal
therefore is is “reportable”

dear god

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:50

If a social worker reported an illegal activity in a private dwelling where a child is… it would be taken seriously

however less that two mins ago you thought it was legal!!

Original poster
Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:49

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:48

A separate thread is how a SW thinks that legal to smoke cannabis in private dwelling and so won’t report to police knowing a very young child in living in said private dwelling

I don't think it's legal.

I think I'm not required to report it. Which is correct.

OP posts:
Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:49

Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:49

I do know the law. But the law and what actually happens/ what police actually do are two different things.

I also work closely with the local police and by itself cannabis smoking isn't something they want to know about or will do anything about.

Show quote history

So now it is illegal

YOU said it was legal.

Original poster
Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:49

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:46

Heavens op

bloody disturbing you don’t know the law

https://moderngov.sutton.gov.uk/documents/s74735/Update%20from%20the%20Safer%20Neighbourhood%20Team%20-%20slides.pdf

Show quote history

I do know the law. But the law and what actually happens/ what police actually do are two different things.

I also work closely with the local police and by itself cannabis smoking isn't something they want to know about or will do anything about.

OP posts:
Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:48

A separate thread is how a SW thinks that legal to smoke cannabis in private dwelling and so won’t report to police knowing a very young child in living in said private dwelling

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:47

Is it legal for people to smoke cannabis if it’s in their own home?
Simply, no. Cannabis, marijuana or weed is classified as a Class B drug, putting it in the same category as ketamine and
amphetamine. Just because someone is using the drug within their own premises doesn’t make it legal.
The pungent, slightly floral smell of someone smoking cannabis is often hard to disguise and most people won’t want
the stench creeping over into their gardens or homes.

you are a social worker and you didn’t know this?

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:46

Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:43

No I haven't reported to the police. It's not required, or even advised. Cannabis smoking in a private dwelling isn't a reportable issue to either police or social services.

Show quote history

Heavens op

bloody disturbing you don’t know the law

https://moderngov.sutton.gov.uk/documents/s74735/Update%20from%20the%20Safer%20Neighbourhood%20Team%20-%20slides.pdf

https://moderngov.sutton.gov.uk/documents/s74735/Update%20from%20the%20Safer%20Neighbourhood%20Team%20-%20slides.pdf

Original poster
Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:46

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:44

Around a child?

Show quote history

Yep.

OP posts:
Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:44

Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:43

No I haven't reported to the police. It's not required, or even advised. Cannabis smoking in a private dwelling isn't a reportable issue to either police or social services.

Show quote history

Around a child?

Original poster
Youbutterbelieve · 03/06/2025 14:44

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 14:41

Is this a private school?

No. Just an unpopular local state primary.

OP posts:
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