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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

429 replies

FromMissToMrs · 03/06/2025 08:21

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

  1. Her & her partner left really early
  2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 03/06/2025 12:38

@anotherside whilst I totally agree- so many women do indeed go along with shit from partners to ‘keep the peace/keep em happy’ even when it pisses off others they have far more history with. I’m 63 and have known women ditch friends, lessen family relationships, quit jobs - all to keep Rob happy who they have known 4 months- sometimes women really are their own worst enemies

Dingalingalong · 03/06/2025 12:37

FromMissToMrs · 03/06/2025 09:12

@Swiftie1878 I'd love a backstory, it would make it clearer to me but honestly nope, we have been friends through so much & have both had pretty big ups & downs & stuck by each other.

She's honestly an amazing friend normally & she is so kind, this has completely thrown me.

The only change is this new partner, and my mum did say she saw him being harsh to my MOH, so I'm wondering if something is going on there that she hasn't shown me because she didn't want to burden me before my wedding but that is literally all I can think of.

Oooh you mentioning the partner being harsh to your MOH, do you think he could have planned the things that would piss you off and push her to do it (the shoes, the sex, the not bonding with you on the day, being hard to find, etc.) as an isolation tactic. As in, he's abusive and he's trying to isolate her from you, making you angry with her so he can say "see, she's not good to you, bla bla bla"?

It seems like he's the only potential changing factor in her. Maybe when things have settled for you, you can reach out to her and go for coffee just the 2 of you and ask why these things happened and try and suss out her boyfriend's vibe from it?

Trendyname · 03/06/2025 12:36

DaisyChain505 · 03/06/2025 10:38

There could be many reasons why she acted in this odd manner.

Her and her partner could be trying for a baby and realised your wedding day was a good day for trying and they seized the opportunity for intercourse.

She could be having troubles in his relationship and seeing you so happy and content might have made her feel insecure about her own situation making her want to have sex with her partner to prove to herself that actually they are ok.

You say they left early, how early? Was it 6pm and straight after speeches or was it 9pm midway through the disco? Weddings can be really long exhausting days especially if you’re part of the wedding party and have been up and getting ready since early in the morning. Some people just don’t have the stamina to be on the dance floor until midnight and that’s ok.

Why are people bending over backwards to excuse MOH. What kind of justification is her ttc. Would you do that in someone else’s wedding suite if you were ttc?

yakkity · 03/06/2025 12:35

RareGoalsVerge · 03/06/2025 08:37

I think we only know half the story here so it's impossible to vote.

The thing that rings alarm bells for me is that your list of things that annoyed you includes "she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested" - now who the fuck cares about that? And if you are that picky about what shoes she buys, how many thousands of other things have you been picky about for your dream day which she did agree to? This suggests to me that you've been a massive Bridezilla all along, and she mostly acquiesced and did what you wanted but drew the line at buying a pair of shoes she didn't like because no one looks at the MOH shoes, and she reached the wedding day having totally spent all the positive feelings she used to have for your friendship due to the sheer number of Bridezilla moments over the preceding months.

This is of course wild Speculation. But I wouldn't vote on whether or not YABU without hearing her side.

Yep this is a very wild and weird speculation

Trendyname · 03/06/2025 12:32

FromMissToMrs · 03/06/2025 09:02

@Mulledjuice and all the others saying I was fussy/bridezilla maybe I shouldn't have specified no silver but that was my only specification so I don't really think it was too fussy.

Whenever I've been a bridesmaid I've just worn what I was told to wear, I didn't want that for my MOH, I wanted her to feel comfy in her outfit & have something she loved & could use again, so tried to let her choose with just that one specification but maybe I shouldn't have even said that, happy to accept I could have avoided that but don't feel that justify her behaviour.

I've never known her to be flaky/jealous/unkind to anyone before.

In our youth she was sex obsessed, I'd assumed she had become more adult about it as we grew up, but maybe its still a big part of her life

You just got married a few days ago. Congratulations!
Don’t let posters here make you feel bad calling you bridezilla when you are not wrong to feel disappointed in your MOH given how selfish she behaved on such an important day for you. For these posters your request for not going with silver footwear is far worse than all the things she did on your wedding day. It says it all.

ByRedBalonz · 03/06/2025 12:29

A lot of hearsay… would love to know the MOH story…

dontgetmestartedwillu · 03/06/2025 12:27

@FromMissToMrs Some weird people on here almost looking for excuses for your MOH. She was totally out of order. And event the shoes - how tacky to think silver sparkly shoes would be suitable for a country wedding.

Also wish people posting would use the 'see all' (posts by the OP) first - bug bear of mine!!

Like you, I've always gone with what the bride suggested and you really shouldn't upstage the bride, nor wear the same thing.

To even be in your bridal suite is weird tbh.

I know you said there was no backstory, but has your MOH ever had a thing for your husband or where they together before you entered the stage?

Either way, put this behind you and enjoy the wonderful honeymoon you deserve. This is more about her (and her new partner, from the sounds of it) than you.

Trendyname · 03/06/2025 12:27

Catandsquirrel · 03/06/2025 08:50

The only thing I can possibly think of re shagging in the suite (not the room) is she desperately TTC? Known fertility issues?

Who does that? People who have fertility issues don’t behave like that.

Booboobagins · 03/06/2025 12:27

Crunchymum · 03/06/2025 08:26

They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite

I dread to ask but how do you know this?

@FromMissToMrs This is a personal affront to you and your DH.

I haven't fully caught up so forgive me, but this person would not be a friend of mine after the behaviour you describe. Sometimes you only really know people when they show themselves. She has shown herself in the most horrible and in-your-face way. Im so sorry.

I'm glad she didn't ruin the day. Have a lovely honeymoon.

PuppyMonkey · 03/06/2025 12:26

Hmm, a controlling boyfriend who forced the MoH to wear exactly the same shoes as the bride? That’s next level evil genius tbh. Although the sex in the bridal suite would obviously be the stand out scene in the film version of all this.

SpaceBaloon · 03/06/2025 12:14

Stowickthevast · 03/06/2025 09:40

I wouldn't be confrontational, especially if new boyfriend is a dick.

Just send her a message saying something like "you seemed a bit off on the day and I think you left early. Hope everything is ok. Lmk if you want to chat."

This
but slightly amended so you can leave it behind on honeymoon

you seemed a bit off on the day and I think you left early. Hope everything is ok. lmk if you want to chat. I'm away until 20th June with limited access to my phone and messages but am around after.

Tbrh · 03/06/2025 12:10

JamieCannister · 03/06/2025 11:31

"You’re ridiculous to care that she wore the same shoes as you."

This is kinda true, other than it is 100 times more reasonable to say "She was utterly ridiculous and cheeky and selfish to care that she wore the same shoes as OP."

Show quote history

Agree. Who would do that?! That makes me think she's just not a very nice person, nothing to do with being in a controlling relationship

bc73787 · 03/06/2025 12:07

I had a friend do this at my wedding as well.

What I thought was a really lovely girl for years never had any issues.

Day of the wedding she turned up in a different colour dress to the other girls, kept making comments about her dress being low cut and she hoped it didn’t take attention away from me then snuck out whilst my other bridesmaids where baby sitting her small child and went off with one of my husbands friends to a room that everyone of my guests were coming up to me informing me of the acts they were partaking in inside. She also left without saying goodbye, ran up a £320 tab from buying everyone drinks and told them to put it in my name at the bar then messaged me the day after saying my husband had been rude by not finding her all night to speak to her. I was also mystified and baffled, I stopped talking to her. The guy she went off with profusely apologised blamed drinking and such, distanced myself a fair bit but they still spoke after.

Blueskies77 · 03/06/2025 12:05

Koalafan · 03/06/2025 08:26

Oh @FromMissToMrs there's got to be some back story - is she peeved, rightly or wrongly, about something that happened previously? Her behaviour sounds utterly shitty, and the s*x part is downright disgusting - almost like a dog revenge marking it's territory. I don't know if I could go on with a friendship after that, though might want to ask 'what the absolute hell?'.
Congratulations on your marriage though. ❤️💐❤️

I agree, this is absolutely awful. Friendship is over.

mydogisthebest · 03/06/2025 11:59

DoctorRoseReturns · 03/06/2025 09:41

The shoes is a nothing thing. Unless you had a one of a kind, handcrafted pair from Italy which cost 1000s

To me it reads like her and her partner had an argument, the sex was intended to try and fix things (or forced a bit upon her) and then they left early out of either embarrassment at being caught or because things were still tense

She didn't use the bed and was behind a door so it doesn't seem that bad to me tbh

So because they didn't have sex on the bed and it was behind a door it was ok!!! You have low standards. It was disgusting.

loropianalover · 03/06/2025 11:51

SantasLargerHelper · 03/06/2025 09:45

OP I behaved badly towards my friends when I was in an abusive relationship with an awful controlling man. He would be in my ear all the time criticising them, and I was very unhappy 🙁 perhaps this is the reason?

She did behave disappointingly but if she's previously been a good friend then this is a possibility 🤔

I’m leaning towards this. OP gave an update that this partner is new on the scene and that someone witnessed him being harsh to MOH. I wonder was he throwing a strop about having to go to her friends wedding, and about him not knowing anyone and then not getting enough attention from his gf because she was MOH and had duties. It would also explain leaving early.

Catsandcannedbeans · 03/06/2025 11:41

I personally would find the sex thing a bit funny, but I wasn’t too fussed about my wedding by the time it came around. However, I’d have been really upset if my MOH didn’t dance with me or hang out with me on the day. I totally understand why you are upset tho, when I was a MOH I think I took it more seriously than I did when I was the bride, ran a tight ship. At the end of the day, do you think this is worth ending a friendship over?

If I was in your position I would wait till I come back from my honeymoon so I’d had some time to think it over and then proceed from there. Maybe she was in a bad place, maybe she was jealous, maybe she is just a total bitch. For the mean time enjoy your honeymoon and put it to the back of your mind.

Bossmum94 · 03/06/2025 11:38

My first thought is that the new boyfriend is abusive. Everything here screams that he is controlling her. No way after 20 yrs of friendship could she not come to you unless it was serious and definitely not over shoes.

JamieCannister · 03/06/2025 11:31

ShesTheAlbatross · 03/06/2025 08:45

You’re ridiculous to care that she wore the same shoes as you.

The rest is valid - but this woman was your maid of honour so I assume is your best friend, someone you know really well? Is this out of the blue? Out of character? Or has she always been a bit petty/jealous/not happy for people, it’s just never been you on the receiving end of it before? What’s her partner like?

I think the sex part is worse because it puts a different light on the rest of it. Being distant, not dancing, leaving early etc could all be due to something going on that day that you weren’t aware of (some bad news she or her partner had, they didn’t want to tell you and ruin the day, but weren’t quite able to put on a totally convincing act that everything was fine) and I think that would be very understandable and totally fine. But sneaking off to have sex in the bridal suite suggests that that is not the case.

"You’re ridiculous to care that she wore the same shoes as you."

This is kinda true, other than it is 100 times more reasonable to say "She was utterly ridiculous and cheeky and selfish to care that she wore the same shoes as OP."

Canshehavewaferthinham · 03/06/2025 11:28

Based on experience of something very similar, the new boyfriend is a complete dick, 100%. She had sex with him to appease him because he was annoyed with her about something. He's abusive. If all OP has said here is true I would put my life saving's on it that he's the cause of this change in character. It's a real shame it happened on such an important day.

moto748e · 03/06/2025 11:24

Read the first page. Don't let her stay rent-free in your head, OP. Enjoy the rest of your life!

midlifeish · 03/06/2025 11:18

I write this with kindness - Sometimes it is worth noting that other people have things going on that you might not know about. You have been caught up in the details of a wedding. Your friends have been helping you I’m sure. But I imagine a lot can be missed in those months. Lots of wedding talk and little else. I have been the bride and the bridesmaid so can see it from both angles. I think there's more going on with your friend and maybe you should check in with her rather than go cold until she makes the first move. Perhaps it's a controlling boyfriend or perhaps you've been a tad Ott with the wedding etc etc. Only you will know why you're so annoyed about this but I think there might be a touch of deflecting going on here. Perhaps you don't want to contact her first incase she gives you a few home truths?

Datafan55 · 03/06/2025 11:10

And as I said, it's not a given friend had sex in the bridal suite, and it can be a nightmare to find shoes that fit/are comfy, especially when under pressure to 'fit a vibe'.

jollygoose · 03/06/2025 11:10

I can't read the whole thread do apologize if missed important fact but I wonder if the friend behavior was all about the man she was with, perhaps he didn't want to be there and was isolating her.

Newone2021 · 03/06/2025 11:02

ButteredRadishes · 03/06/2025 10:00

I think it depends if it was a n intentional £ fuck you then, I'll wear the exact same shoes" or if it was a coincidence.

even then it's just shoes

Show quote history

Yeah you're right it's just shoes, I think it's more that it seems it was a deliberate fuck you than the actual thing itself.