Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - partner watching CCTV

137 replies

teenagersandalittleone · 03/06/2025 03:59

Backstory - I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner and we have a 5 year old together.

my partner has previously watched the CCTV of me having a conversation with my son in our garden and said it was evidence I lied to him. This was done without my permission but did prove I lied to him. For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family. Asked him never to do this again.

roll on last night, he watched the cctv from the garden from Sunday night as he said he wanted to check something my 14 year old had done to see if he moved something - he put a taped square on a wall that he uses to throw a rugby ball to as a target. He then uses this to have a loaded conversation with my 14 year old and me that he has moved the target without asking and if he misses will break something. Again, this was watched without permission or asking.

I realises this sounds ridiculous but am I right in thinking that watching cctv without our permission or is being aware is wrong. I have had to tell my kids that they cannot have conversations in the garden as I don’t know if he will listen in. He says that this is because he cannot trust but it seems controlling and he’s setting us all up to fail.

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 03/06/2025 07:58

Never2many · 03/06/2025 04:34

Another woman putting a man before her kids. FGS.

If he lives there he doesn’t need permission to watch the CCTV - it’s not private footage if it’s in your garden. But your kids hate him and you have them adjusting their behaviour because of him.

Why are you with a man who your existing children can’t stand?

Why did you have another child with this man? - oh wait let me guess, an “unexpected” pregnancy?

FGS OP it your kids first for once in their lives and dum this prick.

All of this. The situation you have put them in is appalling

Starlight7080 · 03/06/2025 07:55

What an awful man to have around your children.
No child should have to worry about this sort of thing.
You must realise it's not normal.

LakieLady · 03/06/2025 07:54

He's a seriously weird control freak.

Leave the bastard, for the sake of your children and your future sanity.

Thatfirstcoff · 03/06/2025 07:48

healthybychristmas · 03/06/2025 07:39

let me guess. He moved in with you and your children and then made sure his feet were firmly under the table by having a child with you. Are you allowed this even though your own children don't like him. Now he is trying to control everything everyone does.

Why don't you put your older children first and get rid of this man?

Moved in after a few weeks of dating

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 07:44

HariboFan5367 · 03/06/2025 07:33

Lying about what though? It might be something equally pretty as the tape on the wall/fence.

The partner sounds unhinged.

Show quote history

The OP’s partner can’t trust her because he caught her out in a lie. Doesn’t matter how big or petty the lie was, he now feels the need to check up on her. It’s brought out a very controlling side of him and she should heed the warning.

healthybychristmas · 03/06/2025 07:39

let me guess. He moved in with you and your children and then made sure his feet were firmly under the table by having a child with you. Are you allowed this even though your own children don't like him. Now he is trying to control everything everyone does.

Why don't you put your older children first and get rid of this man?

wanttobeamum87 · 03/06/2025 07:36

This isnt about the target on the wall and the potential of it being moved at all

it is about his being a controlling (likely) narcissist

Toptotoe · 03/06/2025 07:36

The fact that you are wondering if this is ok behaviour is worrying. It says to me that you are deep into an abusive relationship where this type of control is normalised.
You and your children deserve better than this. Please start reading up on domestic abuse and contact women’s aid who can advise you.

HariboFan5367 · 03/06/2025 07:33

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 07:18

Has everyone missed that she was caught out lying to him? He’s controlling but she’s also deceitful and that may be a major trigger for him. It would be for me.

It’s an unhealthy dynamic for her children to witness and they would be better off out of this situation.

Lying about what though? It might be something equally pretty as the tape on the wall/fence.

The partner sounds unhinged.

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 07:18

Has everyone missed that she was caught out lying to him? He’s controlling but she’s also deceitful and that may be a major trigger for him. It would be for me.

It’s an unhealthy dynamic for her children to witness and they would be better off out of this situation.

Dukekaboom · 03/06/2025 07:09

Honestly. I know these type of posts are all too frequent on MN but I'll never get over how sad/despairing it is to read them.
I just cannot fathom making a conscious choice to have someone in my children's lives that they don't like and for good reason. He is absolutely spoiling their childhood - imagine not being able to throw a ball in a certain place without fear of CCTV and reprisals. A simple pleasure of chucking a ball turns into this. I can only imagine what else he spoils for them.

It actually makes me so cross. Choose your children OP. You shouldn't have to be told this but it seems you do. Only you have the power to remove this person from their lives - they are reliant on you as their parent and "protector".

GAJLY · 03/06/2025 07:07

Omg you know this is cohesive control?! I'd leave. Get rid of him.

LillyPJ · 03/06/2025 07:06

I couldn't live in a house where I know everything is potentially being watched and may be used against me. How can you bear it?

Thatfirstcoff · 03/06/2025 07:05

Fuzziduck · 03/06/2025 06:11

Your poor kids. Why are you subjecting them to this! You need to end the relationship, and get on with it.

Even if she leaves, these children will still have a parent who prioritises love life over them.

So if not him, it will be someone else.

Sadly, that is some children’s lot in life

LillyPJ · 03/06/2025 07:03

I can't see that it would be wrong or illegal for him to watch CCTV footage without the permission of whoever is on it - isn't that the whole point of CCTV? But it's definitely creepy and controlling for him to use it in this way. He needs to go. That's awful.

Serpentstooth · 03/06/2025 07:01

You're living with a paranoid, controlling sociopath and all you're worried about is the cctv? I despair.

PearTreeBoat · 03/06/2025 06:56

Soal · 03/06/2025 04:38

She said is it wrong, not is it legal, and it is wrong, as anyone can see.

Show quote history

And I have blatantly agreed that it is wrong, try reading my full post.

CopperWhite · 03/06/2025 06:52

What were you doing letting your children live with a man like this. Your younger child might be stuck with him for a father but the other two aren’t and it is your job to protect them.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 03/06/2025 06:52

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 03/06/2025 05:52

So he only checked it before because OP lied to him and got caught out. I think I'd have trust issues too if my partner lied so much that I had to go to the lengths of watching my own cctv just to get the truth. I'd like to think my partner wouldn't lie then keep the lie going so long that i had to go through all that performance to get the truth out of them. I think you've set this dynamic up yourself by lying. Your actions caused his suspicion and now you're surprised he doesn't trust you. If you're not happy leave but lying is not going to bring trust into a relationship.

Tell me you don’t understand coercive control without telling me you don’t understand coercive control … fucking hell, this is exactly the argument a man like this will use to justify his spying and his rage over tiny infringements of his ‘rules’. ‘You made me do this because you lied and now I can’t trust you’ - cue justifiable escalation.

The OP and her children only keep stupid little ‘secrets’ like this because they’re terrified of his reaction, and his mood totally dominates the household. In what world is this normal?

OP, I’m sorry but you owe it to your children to get them out of this shitshow and away from him. You’ve probably already spent years tying yourself in knots to justify and excuse his behaviour and keep the peace (although it sounds like your older kids had his number from the start), but there is no excuse.

You get one life and so do your children, and enduring a miserable, soul-sapping, treading-on-eggshells existence under the control of an angry man is no way to spend it.

Copperlightning · 03/06/2025 06:49

You are a terrible parent if you don’t up and leave immediately. You don’t have any excuse that justifies staying. If you leave now your kids might forgive you for subjecting them to this crazy man, but you are fast running out of time to salvage a future relationship with them.

lunar1 · 03/06/2025 06:39

What an awful life your children live, their childhood wasted having to live with this man.

screwyou · 03/06/2025 06:38

Your poor poor children. OP it is up to you to protect them from this shit. Get the hell out of there for their sake if not your own. Can you not see how wrong this all is?

WonderingWanda · 03/06/2025 06:38

Why are you with him?

bluecurtains14 · 03/06/2025 06:35

Why did you move in and procreate with a controlling arsehole that your kids hate?

Bananalanacake · 03/06/2025 06:33

Why are you allowing your DC to live with a man they're terrified of? Whose house is it.