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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - partner watching CCTV

137 replies

teenagersandalittleone · 03/06/2025 03:59

Backstory - I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner and we have a 5 year old together.

my partner has previously watched the CCTV of me having a conversation with my son in our garden and said it was evidence I lied to him. This was done without my permission but did prove I lied to him. For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family. Asked him never to do this again.

roll on last night, he watched the cctv from the garden from Sunday night as he said he wanted to check something my 14 year old had done to see if he moved something - he put a taped square on a wall that he uses to throw a rugby ball to as a target. He then uses this to have a loaded conversation with my 14 year old and me that he has moved the target without asking and if he misses will break something. Again, this was watched without permission or asking.

I realises this sounds ridiculous but am I right in thinking that watching cctv without our permission or is being aware is wrong. I have had to tell my kids that they cannot have conversations in the garden as I don’t know if he will listen in. He says that this is because he cannot trust but it seems controlling and he’s setting us all up to fail.

OP posts:
FuckityFux · 03/06/2025 08:43

FGS, Your teens have more cop on than you OP.

Poor kids. 😢 What an awful childhood they’re having to endure because their mum willingly puts up with a shitty man and minimises their suffering

Why is your judgement so poor? Do you honestly think this is normal? Have you always lived with abusive men?

You’re ruining all of your kids lives and for what?

HE HAS TO GO!!

LillyPJ · 03/06/2025 08:42

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 08:31

Wherever did you get that from!

Show quote history

Obviously there aren't. The poster was making a sarcastic reply to a comment which said that the OP and her partner 'weren't suited'.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 03/06/2025 08:39

Leave this crazy man!

Isometimeswonder · 03/06/2025 08:37

Never2many · 03/06/2025 04:34

Another woman putting a man before her kids. FGS.

If he lives there he doesn’t need permission to watch the CCTV - it’s not private footage if it’s in your garden. But your kids hate him and you have them adjusting their behaviour because of him.

Why are you with a man who your existing children can’t stand?

Why did you have another child with this man? - oh wait let me guess, an “unexpected” pregnancy?

FGS OP it your kids first for once in their lives and dum this prick.

Came here to say exactly this.
Poor kids.

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 08:31

Caerulea · 03/06/2025 08:08

Ahh so there are women out there who ARE suited to abusive & controlling relationships?

Gotcha

Show quote history

Wherever did you get that from!

LIZS · 03/06/2025 08:30

The cctv is irrelevant. He is controlling and gaslighting you and your dc. Why is he in your lives?

Channellingsophistication · 03/06/2025 08:30

You and your DCs can't live feeling terrified of upsetting him. You have said he has no time for your DCs.

You need to make plans to leave. Have you any family support who could help you? Do you have a job? Have you any savings?

please look to get some help to leave

Justsomethoughts23 · 03/06/2025 08:27

ThatsCute · 03/06/2025 04:30

You have subjected your DC to a man who is recording them in their own home. You have warned your DC not to have conversations in their own garden because they are being monitored. YABU for bringing this man into your DCs’ lives.

☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼
Seriously what are you playing at doing this to your children.

Heronwatcher · 03/06/2025 08:20

Why are you letting this awful man terrorise your kids? Never mind the CCTV he sounds like a nasty controlling bully. Get yourself and your kids out.

Imbusytodaysorry · 03/06/2025 08:17

@teenagersandalittleone Jesus Christ op do you really need to ask about this man. He is a huge walking flag.
Your poor kids.

I don’t think it’s illegal you know about the cctv as it’s on your property does he have a cctv sign up ?
Please leave this man he is a horrible control freak . I bet there is a full story to his behaviour and your “relationship”

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 03/06/2025 08:16

teenagersandalittleone · 03/06/2025 03:59

Backstory - I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner and we have a 5 year old together.

my partner has previously watched the CCTV of me having a conversation with my son in our garden and said it was evidence I lied to him. This was done without my permission but did prove I lied to him. For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family. Asked him never to do this again.

roll on last night, he watched the cctv from the garden from Sunday night as he said he wanted to check something my 14 year old had done to see if he moved something - he put a taped square on a wall that he uses to throw a rugby ball to as a target. He then uses this to have a loaded conversation with my 14 year old and me that he has moved the target without asking and if he misses will break something. Again, this was watched without permission or asking.

I realises this sounds ridiculous but am I right in thinking that watching cctv without our permission or is being aware is wrong. I have had to tell my kids that they cannot have conversations in the garden as I don’t know if he will listen in. He says that this is because he cannot trust but it seems controlling and he’s setting us all up to fail.

‘For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family.’

This is the most telling sentence in your post, you and your children shouldn’t be terrified of anyone living in their house for any reason, it is not normal.

Please speak to someone you can trust and get yourself and your children away from this man at the earliest opportunity. If you don’t have anyone get in touch with Women’s Aid. Good luck.

Renabrook · 03/06/2025 08:08

The whole thing sounds ridiculous but again it appears when a man does it it is considered controlling a women getting their ducks in a row and understandable because he has broken trust

Ponoka7 · 03/06/2025 08:08

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 07:18

Has everyone missed that she was caught out lying to him? He’s controlling but she’s also deceitful and that may be a major trigger for him. It would be for me.

It’s an unhealthy dynamic for her children to witness and they would be better off out of this situation.

"For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family"

Women in abusive relationships and children in abusive homes often have to lie. The control gets tighter and tighter and the behaviour more unreasonable. They are walking on eggshells to keep the peace.

Caerulea · 03/06/2025 08:08

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 08:06

Then this exactly why they aren’t compatible.

Show quote history

Ahh so there are women out there who ARE suited to abusive & controlling relationships?

Gotcha

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 08:06

Caerulea · 03/06/2025 08:03

Given the fact moving a piece of tape is enough for the Spanish inquisition & that OP is having to hide to talk to her own children cos this man scares the shit out of them yes, there will be lies about the most utterly mundane things!

Show quote history

Then this exactly why they aren’t compatible.

PinkyFlamingo · 03/06/2025 08:05

Any particular reason you are putting him above your poor kids?

AliBaliBee1234 · 03/06/2025 08:05

This is horrific, please get yourself and your kids out

Caerulea · 03/06/2025 08:05

OP - if you can't leave to protect yourself then leave to protect your children, all 3 of them.

Caerulea · 03/06/2025 08:03

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 07:18

Has everyone missed that she was caught out lying to him? He’s controlling but she’s also deceitful and that may be a major trigger for him. It would be for me.

It’s an unhealthy dynamic for her children to witness and they would be better off out of this situation.

Given the fact moving a piece of tape is enough for the Spanish inquisition & that OP is having to hide to talk to her own children cos this man scares the shit out of them yes, there will be lies about the most utterly mundane things!

S0j0urn4r · 03/06/2025 08:03

I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner
Your teens have the right idea.
You need to get rid.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 03/06/2025 08:02

Poor kids. Please leave him. He is going to be watching everything. I couldn’t live on pins like this. My dad was the same, thank god it was before cameras where everywhere.

AmyDuPlantier · 03/06/2025 08:00

What the fuck?? Why are you letting this man control your children like this. I have kids the same age as yours and they’d be terrified to live like this.

SpunkySquid · 03/06/2025 08:00

This is very strange behaviour. What a horrible controlling man.

YourWildAmberSloth · 03/06/2025 07:59

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 07:44

The OP’s partner can’t trust her because he caught her out in a lie. Doesn’t matter how big or petty the lie was, he now feels the need to check up on her. It’s brought out a very controlling side of him and she should heed the warning.

Show quote history

The controlling behaviour precedes the lie, it wasn't caused by it. Agree with others, it makes me sad and angry to read the numerous posts like this. So many children subjected to awful abusive childhoods and home lives and too many women unwilling or incapable of putting their children's needs first.

MerryPortas · 03/06/2025 07:58

He sounds a horrible, controlling creature and an awful environment for your two older children.

I’m not a big one for LTB, but it’s thoroughly deserved here - you are walking on eggshells and actually wondering if your husband reviewing cctv of your conversations and children is unreasonable - of course it is!