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Original poster

AIBU - partner watching CCTV

137 replies

teenagersandalittleone · 03/06/2025 03:59

Backstory - I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner and we have a 5 year old together.

my partner has previously watched the CCTV of me having a conversation with my son in our garden and said it was evidence I lied to him. This was done without my permission but did prove I lied to him. For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family. Asked him never to do this again.

roll on last night, he watched the cctv from the garden from Sunday night as he said he wanted to check something my 14 year old had done to see if he moved something - he put a taped square on a wall that he uses to throw a rugby ball to as a target. He then uses this to have a loaded conversation with my 14 year old and me that he has moved the target without asking and if he misses will break something. Again, this was watched without permission or asking.

I realises this sounds ridiculous but am I right in thinking that watching cctv without our permission or is being aware is wrong. I have had to tell my kids that they cannot have conversations in the garden as I don’t know if he will listen in. He says that this is because he cannot trust but it seems controlling and he’s setting us all up to fail.

OP posts:
Ryeman · 03/06/2025 10:13

You're living with a man you're all terrified of? Why? Read your own post and look with new eyes.

Dragonfly97 · 03/06/2025 10:06

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 07:18

Has everyone missed that she was caught out lying to him? He’s controlling but she’s also deceitful and that may be a major trigger for him. It would be for me.

It’s an unhealthy dynamic for her children to witness and they would be better off out of this situation.

Maybe she's lying out of fear? I was in a relationship with a controlling man; I was frightened of setting him off, I minimised things to protect myself. He accused me of lying all the time, I second guessed myself constantly. You get used to living like that, it becomes normal.

C152 · 03/06/2025 10:06

Jesus, OP, leave him. You and all the children are terrified of doing anything that will upset him and he spies on you all to try and catch you out. It's irrelevant whether you lied or not or whether one of the kids moved something in the garden. Your partner's behaviour is not normal; nor is it safe for you and your children to be in this situation.

TheSlantedOwl · 03/06/2025 10:06

Your poor kids. Stop inflicting this awful man on them and on yourself.

DontTouchRoach · 03/06/2025 10:04

I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner

I'm not surprised your teens don't like your partner if he monitors people's conversations in the garden and plays weird mind games where he tries to trap people into lying about moving a rugby target.

Your partner sounds like an absolute nutjob and he absolutely is controlling, paranoid and strange.

KT1113 · 03/06/2025 10:00

YABVU to have your children in this situation

LillyPJ · 03/06/2025 09:46

@CautiousLurker01 I don't think minors need to give consent to be recorded in their own home! If that was the case, nearly all home videos etc would be illegal.

gamerchick · 03/06/2025 09:45

You know what you need to do OP.

Hedgingmybetching · 03/06/2025 09:43

Christ I don't think I would allow my children to live in such an Orwellian home, where big brother is always watching them. They need to have some bloody privacy, they're teens.

Quite frankly if I was the other parent I'd go ballistic. I hope someone is advocating for them. Xx

dontcryformeargentina · 03/06/2025 09:30

PruthePrune · 03/06/2025 05:23

Your kids dislike him and you've gone on and had another with him. JFC. Instead of dick pandering, put your children first.

100% this. Your poor kids.

HappyLols · 03/06/2025 09:30

am I right in thinking that watching cctv without our permission or is being aware is wrong

You are fully aware of the answer to this

Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 03/06/2025 09:29

My husband wanted to put 2 cctv cameras in our back garden with full sound recording. I went mental and he sent them back to Amazon. I’m only just happy with the ring doorbell (which he watches every single day every conversation I have). Anxious people are often controlling but you do need to have limits!!!

LBFseBrom · 03/06/2025 09:26

I understand that you have a five year old together but, frankly, you can do without this man who sounds thoroughly appalling.

Itsseweasy · 03/06/2025 09:23

Your poor, you poor teenagers. You brought this horribly abusive, controlling man into their lives, now what are you going to do about it?
I have no time for anyone who puts a “man” above their kids security and comfort.

MyGoldDreamer · 03/06/2025 09:14

Saying this as a now 30 year old woman with 4 children 5th due next month.
My "mother" always put some man strangely all seemed to have serious mental health issues, before the 3 children she had, the last one before I left home at 15 was an absolute manic.
Similar to how you describe your "dh".

Yes you have a child with this man but that doesn't mean you have to stay and live this, you can give all of your children and yourself a much more peaceful life.
I bet you sit trying to have a conversation with your older children all the while your minds not fully there because you're listening to hear if he is coming.

Honestly I've been through a lot with these things. As a child and adult.
I am know no contact with my "mother" she put a man before my children who she kept hidden from us but didn't keep us hidden from him, he turned up at the doorstep accusing my dh of allsorts. My children were terrified so I cut all ties with her.
She done it to me, she's not allowed to mess around with my children. Nearly 2 years on and I've never felt inner peace like this, it's beautiful.
Unfortunate my children don't have a grandmother, but I wont sit and watch her repeat it all with my own kids.

All in all, I really from what you've said. You for your children's sake should really find a way out.
Sending virtual hugs&support.

Wildflower2467 · 03/06/2025 09:11

EnjoythemoneyJane · 03/06/2025 06:52

Tell me you don’t understand coercive control without telling me you don’t understand coercive control … fucking hell, this is exactly the argument a man like this will use to justify his spying and his rage over tiny infringements of his ‘rules’. ‘You made me do this because you lied and now I can’t trust you’ - cue justifiable escalation.

The OP and her children only keep stupid little ‘secrets’ like this because they’re terrified of his reaction, and his mood totally dominates the household. In what world is this normal?

OP, I’m sorry but you owe it to your children to get them out of this shitshow and away from him. You’ve probably already spent years tying yourself in knots to justify and excuse his behaviour and keep the peace (although it sounds like your older kids had his number from the start), but there is no excuse.

You get one life and so do your children, and enduring a miserable, soul-sapping, treading-on-eggshells existence under the control of an angry man is no way to spend it.

Show quote history

100% agree.

Velmy · 03/06/2025 09:09

He sounds like an absolute freak. Why are you inflicting this on your children?

BigDeepBreaths · 03/06/2025 09:08

Don’t be surprised when your DC move away and cut you off at the first opportunity they get. I cannot imagine the anger I would feel if my parent subjected me to a relationship like this in my home, that should be my safe space.

Circless · 03/06/2025 09:05

You are in a Coercive control situation and so are those poor children.
He records and watches you, then berates you and you are all terrified.

This is Coercive control which is a crime.

Get on to Women's aid and talk about reporting him to the police.
You might be eligible for legal aid to help you.

Take action now.
This is a bad man.

Motherofdragons24 · 03/06/2025 09:02

“For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family.”

tbh OP I don’t the rest is irrelevant.

why are you allowing a man to live with your kids who “terrifies” them by making the house unbearable with his moods.

TheGrimSmile · 03/06/2025 08:59

This man is so fucking creepy, it sounds like something from a horror film. He'll be locking them all in the cellar next.

JLou08 · 03/06/2025 08:56

Watching CTV you put up on your own land is not an issue. The context here is very alarming though, he sounds so controlling. I can't imagine how much anxiety you and your teens much live with every day with this man. You need to contact womens aid discreetly and work on getting you and your children out of that situation.

TheGrimSmile · 03/06/2025 08:54

Jesus's Christ! What the fuck are you doing with this man? Your poor children. This is abusive. The fact that he has CCTV everywhere is fucking weird! Surely you can see that? The fact that you all have to tiptoe round him is abusive. You need help and you need to get your children away from this man.

luckylavender · 03/06/2025 08:47

Put your children first. You know what to do.

CautiousLurker01 · 03/06/2025 08:46

teenagersandalittleone · 03/06/2025 03:59

Backstory - I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner and we have a 5 year old together.

my partner has previously watched the CCTV of me having a conversation with my son in our garden and said it was evidence I lied to him. This was done without my permission but did prove I lied to him. For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family. Asked him never to do this again.

roll on last night, he watched the cctv from the garden from Sunday night as he said he wanted to check something my 14 year old had done to see if he moved something - he put a taped square on a wall that he uses to throw a rugby ball to as a target. He then uses this to have a loaded conversation with my 14 year old and me that he has moved the target without asking and if he misses will break something. Again, this was watched without permission or asking.

I realises this sounds ridiculous but am I right in thinking that watching cctv without our permission or is being aware is wrong. I have had to tell my kids that they cannot have conversations in the garden as I don’t know if he will listen in. He says that this is because he cannot trust but it seems controlling and he’s setting us all up to fail.

I personally think that both you and your children have indicated that you do not consent to the use of CCTV - ie you have withdrawn your consent. It is perfectly reasonable to insist that it is deactivated when you are home and only in operation when the house is empty, or at night when people are asleep (ie it is used entirely for security purposes, which I assume is why you installed it in the first place). The misuse of the facility and the fact that he is observing it for other reasons strikes me as being, in legal terms, an invasion of your children’s provacy. It may also be illegal as they are both minors so the recording of them in their home (ie not in a public space) without their consent is an invasion of privacy. I’d seek a legal opinion… but simpler to kick him out.