Future SIL annoyed she didn’t get to help Future DH choose my engagement ring

Brilliant advice! Totally agree

She doesn't give a fig about getting you a ring you like, she just wanted to have the right for perpetuity to be able to say something pointed like 'Oh, I chose that ring for you. DH was going to buy you an awful one but I had to steer him in the right direction.'

“she is very spoilt and the golden child although always got money problems which they have all bailed her out of, fiance included”

“when we started dating she asked for a massive amount of money”

I sincerely hope he didn’t give it to her - and you need to be very clear that henceforth, any money you have is for the family that you and he build together. The trouble with this sort of scenario is that once these people have been loaned or gifted money, they somehow see it as their “right”, and then you are the baddie if you raise any objection. You are going to have to have a serious talk with your DFiancé about your expectations for the future, and you need to make it clear that you and he make the decisions in your marriage and his DSis has nothing whatsoever to do with it.

Or her dh’s sister?

Uh oh.

Your fiance's sister thinks she runs his life and she will do her best to make your life miserable because she uses her family, including him, as her personal bank. He's been very enmeshed with her, shown by him dismissing her shitfit over not being included in the ring buying as a joke. He may be angry now, but is that going to last?

The only way I see this working out is if you move far, far, far away and go very low contact. Would he agree to that?

Nuts. Ignore. Move on.

She is seriously batshit and bad news.

I think you should elope and also consider buying a house hundreds of miles away or you will have her sticking her beak in and causing problems for evermore.

Taking him off his family??

God lord, I think I'd run for the hills!!

Sounds like she's very close to her brother (or thinks she is/should be) and is feeling left out now he has a significant other. I suppose they have shared many family milestones in the past and she hasn't comprehended that this is different.

I can’t give you advice on crazy in laws as mine are really nice, but I can say DO NOT let her or her family strong arm you about your wedding plans!!!

We changed a lot because of family pressure (they were well meaning, and tbh it was mostly my mum) and we regret it. Don’t get me wrong I had fun on the day, but we both say if we could do it again we would elope.

Well you are marrying into this, can you see this long drawn out territorial thing working long term?

People's behaviour never fails to amaze me! If you have children, she'll be insisting that she chooses the name(s)!

She is DP's sister. No he does not have to ask his sister to help him choose a ring for OP. No OP and DP do not need her input into any decisions they make about their wedding, their home or any other aspect of their life unless and until they decide they would like input from her.

@Nerlin9812 I think at least a discussion with your fiance is required about boundaries going forward and making sure you both do what you want without any interference from sisterzilla!

Elope, make it clear she isn't the main character in your lives.

Agree. You need to have some very careful conversations with your future husband.

The equivalent would be her DH’s sibling helping to choose her ring. And I don’t actually think it’s that crazy. Many brides take their sisters along when they are choosing their dress/things for the wedding.

100%.

This is how things will be in your life (her interfering). His family are v unlikely to change.

Your partner maybe making the right noises now, but there is no guarantee that will
Continue long term - my sister married into a family like his and shortly after the marriage he just let the family do what they wanted.

The only issue in mine and DH relationship has been his sister. The taking him off her is exactly how she has felt, they went on holiday and had dinners together a lot till he dated me at 29, he was a late bloomer. She hit my DS and behaved badly at our daughters funeral. After that I refused to see or speak to her for a few years. I banned her from our house. It almost split DH and I up. He admitted she was horrible eventually, that’s all he had to do, plus though she initially got upset with me her own Mother has admitted now on a few occasions how awful her own child is. She also says she feels like she walks on eggshells around her and can never be herself.

She has never married or had children, I spent many hours listening to her bemoan this fact from age 30 when we first met, we are the same age. We got on well enough for about 15 years. But when she hit mid forties and realised she really wouldn’t be having her own family she took all her misery and pain out on me the woman who had the life she wanted. She is sadly utterly obnoxious like her Father who was a huge bully and a really awful human being. MIL once she knew how I felt opened up a lot, MIL is a bit eccentric. I now realise it’s anxiety caused by this pair of bullies. DH is like his Mother a gentle soul.

We have all suffered at the hands of this woman. I’m speaking to her again. I stood up to her and FIL when he was alive.

I am also from a dysfunctional family but in a different way, they are rough, have relatives that have been in prison. If anyone had behaved like her to them well a couple of my sisters would have just punched her lights out. I have learnt to keep both our families at arms length. My greatest achievement has been raising a DS who had a very happy and secure childhood and DD was a really lovely girl. Both DH and I live many miles from our home towns and families and that was a deliberate choice on our part.

Sorry I vented my spleen quite so much but I’m way down the line of a horrendous SIL. Stand up to her right now, get it all out in the open. The only way to deal with horrific bullies is to be very strong back.

Slight different perspective here; I wonder if this is related to money (you mention she has money issues and he’s bailed her out before). I wonder if as he’s older (40s), and only just engaged, I wonder if she had planned for him to be her back up for money longer term (assumed he would unlikely have his own kids etc), hence the interest in the ring, the house, the wedding. How much money she had started to wonder was hers, is going to end up outside of her control? Just a point of view. I think you do as a pp said “I’m so happy you are so keen, but we are very reserved people and this is the way we want to do it”. And keep saying the same thing. Don’t give an inch anywhere.

I would not be marrying a man with such a batshit family and poor boundaries.

Are you going to have to see a lot of her?
If so, he isn't worth it.
No man is.
Once you are married you are stuck.
If he is one of those weak men who can't stand up to his family, your life will be miserable as you play second fiddle to him always and your resentment will poison your marriage.

He comes from a dysfunctional background and he WILL bring that with him into your marriage.

She is seriously unhinged and you will be miserable having to constantly navigate dealing with her.

You have been warned.

Elope. Tell them when you get back. She'll go nuclear but it'll enforce boundaries & ensure she can't try & interfere. Just one huffy row to deal with rather than loads whilst organising your wedding.

Reading your updates, I would think very carefully about marrying into this family OP. You would have a lifetime of drama and aggro in front of you!