Leaving abusive mentally ill husband

FastMintSheep · 2025-06-02T17:05:08+00:00

17 years!!!I have been with my abusive husband and I have finally upped and left everything is chaotic at the moment but me and my children are safe and me and my eldest son are working out our issues,my ex husband was abusive to me and my children financially,physically and emotionally name calling everyday punches kicks he is a Muslim man I am a white lady I was always told white people are dirty,dogs etc and I believed him I reverted to Islam for him,I covered myself up for him,he would teach my children Arabic and force them to pray everything was forbidden to them toys days out etc traps for the disbelievers I agreed with him and went along with him,his family were the same,but then he got ill with depression and psychosis and he completely changed from been this big powerful dictator to someone who lies in bed all day with shit in his trousers!he won’t shower,he is mentally ill I couldn’t take it anymore the burden,so why do I feel so guilty for leaving him?after everything I’m imagining him lying there in bed day after day?is this karma?aibu to of left?why do i feel so guilty?

EveSix · 04/06/2025 20:11

Well done, OP.

You have done something immense for yourself and your children. They will thank you. Baby steps now and give yourselves time to heal and feel.

It's so hard to leave an abusive relationship and it can add another layer of complexity when the abuser is also mentally unwell. You have been so strong.

If you kept your husband's oppression quiet and 'protected' his public image and 'good name' within your families, your community, the children's school, GP surgery etc by putting on a brave face and minimising his behaviour, now is the time to start sharing. You will be amazed at the support and acknowledgement you will receive. I'm a teacher -start with your children's school and make an appointment to put their head teacher or safeguarding / wellbeing lead in the picture. Children instinctively know to keep their parents' secrets and it is a huge weight on their shoulders; it can be incredibly healing for children and young people to know that 'the truth is out' and there need to be no more hiding or withholding information from the adults at school who really want to help them and support their mum. Your children will have internalised so much of your husband's abuse and their experience of seeing their own mum abused; it is incredibly validating for them to know that other adults who they care for also think that what has happened to your family at the hands of your husband is very wrong.

Wishing you so much courage, OP.

Original poster

FastMintSheep · 04/06/2025 19:15

caringcarer · 03/06/2025 04:34

Thank goodness you found the strength to finally get your DC away from him. You will have a lot of bridges to build with your 17 year old who suffered an abuser and miserable childhood. Try to make it up to them.

This is what I am going to do they are my life I owe them everything

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FastMintSheep · 04/06/2025 19:10

Richandstrange · 04/06/2025 15:18

Exactly, you were brainwashed by him and now you have to unlearn everything he taught you and that will take time. For now you have taken the first (hugely courageous and impressive!) step by leaving him and you should be so, so proud of yourself for that. Time, patience and kindness towards yourself will take care of the rest because you're clearly committed to undoing as much of the damage to DC as humanly possible and doing the work necessary to rebuild yourself and your life. I wish you all the peace and success in the world OP, you and your DC deserve it

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Thankyou for your kind words they made me tear up,my children are my life I will do whatever I can to get things right

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Richandstrange · 04/06/2025 15:18

FastMintSheep · 02/06/2025 18:14

I feel a lot of anger towards myself for allowing this to happen and not protecting them,but I have realised I was also a victim brainwashed and isolated things have been very hard

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Exactly, you were brainwashed by him and now you have to unlearn everything he taught you and that will take time. For now you have taken the first (hugely courageous and impressive!) step by leaving him and you should be so, so proud of yourself for that. Time, patience and kindness towards yourself will take care of the rest because you're clearly committed to undoing as much of the damage to DC as humanly possible and doing the work necessary to rebuild yourself and your life. I wish you all the peace and success in the world OP, you and your DC deserve it

GrouachMacbeth · 04/06/2025 13:54

Well done and good luck. Ensure you and your children get the professional help that there is for people in your situation.

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FastMintSheep · 04/06/2025 13:54

Foreverhappiest · 02/06/2025 19:59

Direct that anger to him.

You weren’t weak you were strong to remove yourself from an entire culture, ethos, home and family that was so abusive. Congratulate yourself. You are stronger than you look think.

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Thankyou for your kind words

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FastMintSheep · 04/06/2025 13:50

caringcarer · 03/06/2025 04:34

Thank goodness you found the strength to finally get your DC away from him. You will have a lot of bridges to build with your 17 year old who suffered an abuser and miserable childhood. Try to make it up to them.

Your right there is a lot of damage my life will be dedicated to help my children as much as I can we finally have normal people around us family etc we have a lot of support

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FastMintSheep · 04/06/2025 13:49

ForPeaceSake · 03/06/2025 17:48

It sounds like he was mentally ill from the start but it manifested in very controlling behaviour. I don't think you could have made it work, OP. It sounds like he needed something to kick against, so you becoming Muslim and dressing how he wanted, etc. were in a weird way not what he wanted. It sounds like he wanted a stick to beat you with, and when he didn't get it his personality collapsed.

I'm Muslim, and I'm praying you find peace and healing on your own with your children.

Thankyou so much ❤️

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FastMintSheep · 04/06/2025 13:48

MarxistMags · 03/06/2025 00:32

Well done for leaving. Now it is time for a new and peaceful life for you and your children.
Don't look back. My best wishes to you. , 🙏

Thankyou

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ForPeaceSake · 03/06/2025 17:48

It sounds like he was mentally ill from the start but it manifested in very controlling behaviour. I don't think you could have made it work, OP. It sounds like he needed something to kick against, so you becoming Muslim and dressing how he wanted, etc. were in a weird way not what he wanted. It sounds like he wanted a stick to beat you with, and when he didn't get it his personality collapsed.

I'm Muslim, and I'm praying you find peace and healing on your own with your children.

pecanpiee · 03/06/2025 04:38

Oh thank god you left.

caringcarer · 03/06/2025 04:34

Thank goodness you found the strength to finally get your DC away from him. You will have a lot of bridges to build with your 17 year old who suffered an abuser and miserable childhood. Try to make it up to them.

MarxistMags · 03/06/2025 00:32

Well done for leaving. Now it is time for a new and peaceful life for you and your children.
Don't look back. My best wishes to you. , 🙏

Original poster

FastMintSheep · 02/06/2025 23:29

Foreverhappiest · 02/06/2025 19:59

Direct that anger to him.

You weren’t weak you were strong to remove yourself from an entire culture, ethos, home and family that was so abusive. Congratulate yourself. You are stronger than you look think.

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Thankyou that means a lot honestly

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FastMintSheep · 02/06/2025 23:28

Endofyear · 02/06/2025 20:01

Please don't feel guilty. Just concentrate on yourself and your children, look after each other and give yourself time to breathe and heal. You have done the hardest bit so don't waver now. You are a strong person to have endured what you have for so long. Brighter days are ahead now and you and your children can live in peace. Your ex can get help from his family, the GP, his religious leaders etc. He is NOT your responsibility.

No he is not my responsibility and thankyou for the encouragement

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FastMintSheep · 02/06/2025 23:26

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/06/2025 19:56

Oh well done op ❤️ for getting out of there

That's such a big step and you've done well. I know that temporary accommodation can be uncertain and it must feel like its all in pieces, but you've taken the first bug step to protect your children 🙌

How old are they, did you say already? I can imagine they're traumatised. You can't erase that man, but you can make the future worth it xx

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Yes this it’s all about the future now but a lot of damage has been done,my children have anger and self esteem issues I blame my self I don’t know why I never walked away looking back I was so stupid my youngest is 10 and my eldest 17

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Endofyear · 02/06/2025 20:01

Please don't feel guilty. Just concentrate on yourself and your children, look after each other and give yourself time to breathe and heal. You have done the hardest bit so don't waver now. You are a strong person to have endured what you have for so long. Brighter days are ahead now and you and your children can live in peace. Your ex can get help from his family, the GP, his religious leaders etc. He is NOT your responsibility.

Foreverhappiest · 02/06/2025 19:59

FastMintSheep · 02/06/2025 18:14

I feel a lot of anger towards myself for allowing this to happen and not protecting them,but I have realised I was also a victim brainwashed and isolated things have been very hard

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Direct that anger to him.

You weren’t weak you were strong to remove yourself from an entire culture, ethos, home and family that was so abusive. Congratulate yourself. You are stronger than you look think.

Foreverhappiest · 02/06/2025 19:57

Hardgum · 02/06/2025 18:07

Every time you feel guilty about that, instead focus on the shitty childhood your children had as a result of him - and instead feel anger at him. You may also feel anger at yourself for not getting them away sooner, however I imagine easier said than done

Get angry.

Get away. Physically. Emotionally. Financially.

Get your own life.

Get healing.

Focus on you. Focus on the children.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/06/2025 19:56

FastMintSheep · 02/06/2025 19:52

That’s very true they do take it out on the partner and children and I am out and in temporary accommodation,I now need to put the pieces back together we are all traumatised x

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Oh well done op ❤️ for getting out of there

That's such a big step and you've done well. I know that temporary accommodation can be uncertain and it must feel like its all in pieces, but you've taken the first bug step to protect your children 🙌

How old are they, did you say already? I can imagine they're traumatised. You can't erase that man, but you can make the future worth it xx

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FastMintSheep · 02/06/2025 19:55

DepositSaverUpper · 02/06/2025 19:53

Let him fester in his own shit. You all deserve better and to be happy.

Thankyou I just need to hear it I need to no I’m not in the wrong I have had to change my whole mentality it’s very hard

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DepositSaverUpper · 02/06/2025 19:53

Let him fester in his own shit. You all deserve better and to be happy.

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FastMintSheep · 02/06/2025 19:52

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/06/2025 18:39

I don't know why this myth that most men suffer with their mental health in silence has become mainstream because it isn't true - they make the women and children in their lives suffer with them

leave this man, op. go on benefits and get yourself into temporary accommodation if need be.

it really isn't as scary as staying with a bully who is making your lives hell.

best of luck, you deserve better xx

That’s very true they do take it out on the partner and children and I am out and in temporary accommodation,I now need to put the pieces back together we are all traumatised x

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FastMintSheep · 02/06/2025 19:38

ButterfliesnWaterfalls · 02/06/2025 18:20

I’m so sorry to hear what you have endured.

Well done for getting out and leaving your abusive husband. You shouldn’t feel guilty - you haven’t done anything wrong.

You are entitled to live your life with respect and dignity and days out as you please.

I hope you know that the way he was treating you is NOT what Islam/Muslims are about. He is just one abusive man who happens to be Muslim.

I pray you and your children find the happiness you deserve.

Thankyou i appreciate it and I know he doesn’t represent the Muslim people/community thankyou for your prayers

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FastMintSheep · 02/06/2025 19:36

StandFirm · 02/06/2025 18:15

It sounds harrowing. That man was your jailer not your partner, and you were right to leave him for your sake and that of your children. You are feeling guilt because you have empathy, which makes you a decent human being. At some point you surely had feelings for that man, and those feelings were valid. He abused them though - because abusers take advantage of other people's better nature. You have painted a terribly pathetic picture of him but he is not your problem anymore. He has a family. They should care for him. You owe him nothing.

Thankyou

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