Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

Honey, I hate to break it to you but you have gone and got yourself a cocklodger. A partner who looks and acts fine but as soon as he has a foot over the threshold, contributes nothing and then gives you jip for having the audacity to suggest you hadn't signed up to this. YOU were getting a brand new home for YOU to live in. PARTNER was NOT moving in until he conveniently lost his own home right around the time YOU got YOUR shiny new home (suspicious timing in my opinion!). Having got his feet under the table on a "temporary" basis he has now moved his son in without consultation. Sweetie, he had no intention of moving out - why would he? He is living rent free in your place. Zero incentive to move out. He will cling on to you and your home tighter than a squirrel on a nut. You are going to need to be strong here. If you and your partner weren't in a place to move in together permanently then you and your partner aren't in place to move in together WITH A CHILD. End of discussion. You do not need to feel bad about putting a child out of the house. You aren't married. You are not a step mother. At best you are dad's girlfriend. You don't have parental responsibility for the child. You are not responsible for parenting him. That is on his dad. His dad can absolutely have his son live with him but IN HIS OWN PLACE. Any argument to the contrary from dad, simply tell him his name is not on the lease and you are not at the stage in a relationship to be taking on a full time parental role. He will tell you you are awful etc - this is just a mind game so he can mooch off you. You are worth more than this - get both of them out. Good luck from a stranger on the internet.

Bloody hell, OP, take some control back!

This man is a shit partner and a shit dad and a lazy scheming layabout. The relationship is dead in the water, he's using you, there's no coming back from that. Boot him out.

The council will sort them out if they present as homeless. The child has a mother too, he won't be on the streets.

The whole thing screams cuckooing and this man has used the child to manipulate you. Only you can stop it. Direct your anger at this man, not the posters here who are trying to get you to face reality.

This. His son has a home to go to, so chuck him out and don’t let him guilt trip you.

@Feelinglost10 your boyfriend/dp is allowing this to happen probably because he knows he has overstayed his welcome and he is relying on you not feeling you can make a child homeless.

But - nobody is making him homeless. He lives with his Mum and your partner needs to take him back. He is so weak! Once he has his own place he can discuss full custody - not spring this on you.

A decent person would have spoken to you about this - not gone ahead and done it. What message does that send his DS? That he can do what he likes.

However, he’s kind of done you a favour showing his true colours because you are definitely better off without him. Just tell him the only way he can stay (and only then if he pulls his weight) is if he takes the DS back to his Mum. Otherwise they both go. Not your problem.

I’m sorry but how he is treating you isn’t how you treat someone you care about. I hear you love him, but honestly, his lack of consideration for you is upsetting to read.

As a minimum his son needs to go home to his mum. This must be so disruptive to his son’s routine, I’m not surprised he’s acting up - which is on his dad.

Nothing you’ve told us so far indicates your partner will be moving out with his son any time soon, despite how upset you are. If you think his good nature will lead to this happening, so far he doesn’t seem to have a good nature.

If he has nowhere to go he’d better get his act together in your house then.

He’s a terrible parent (who just moves a kid and takes them out of school without warning) and he’s an awful partner. You sound really vulnerable- I would get him to move out and take some time to figure out what you want, deserve and need from a partner.

How is he going to pay for the fines that he will be gathering for keeping the child away from school, now that half term is over?

People like to argue on here don't answer stupid questions. Contact social services and the police he is neglecting his child and you are complicit. Contact the relevant agencies.

The best thing for the child, who should actually be the priority here, is to contact social services, the school, the police and his mother but you don't seem to want to take any advice from us, so for now you will just have to put up with the disruption until you accept you're being used and that the poor child is also being emotionally abused and neglected. You are not his mother, stepmother or responsible carer.

Understood about the poor child. But why don't you think you can kick them out? As posters have said his dad will have to present themselves as homeless and would be given help. Why do you see that as a bad thing? Sounds like you feel guilty, but why?

to school or to his mum?

frankly this whole thing is insane why are you sticking with it

How long have you been in a relationship with this man?

Are you scared of him?

You know you are vulnerable and you must see he's taking advantage of that. The fact you are hiding upstairs speaks volumes.

OP, this is because he's a bad man who thinks you (and probably women generally) should do his shitwork and sort out his life.

You surely cannot carry on seeing him after he's shown you what he really thinks of you.

Therefore, be tough with him. His son can go back to his mums, where he belongs. This man can find a floor to sleep on.

The fact that he decided on a whim to 'not send back' an autistic child - that alone is your proof that this is a bad man.

Add to that the fact that he 'lost' his own accommodation - he's an obvious cunt, you're just too close to see it.

OP, be very careful your neighbours don't let your landlord know you have moved a boyfriend and child in.
You could well be breaking your lease and find yourself in a difficult situation.

Landlords often ask neighbours to keep an eye out for them and text them if necessary.

You need to be careful.

If he called around unexplained would he be happy with what he sees?

He's decided, just like that, that this SEN child isn't going back to his mother?

Somehow I missed that bit. No man who behaved that way would live under my roof for one more nanosecond.

Take note, OP. This is how he will treat you. A measure of what a person will do in the future is what they've done in the past. Pay attention to his actions, not his soft words. He's shown you more than enough red flags. Believe him.

Everyone here is trying to help you to regain control of your life and stop you being abused like you are being. You are not listening. And that child needs stability to help him.So no it doesn;t make me feel good but lady you need to wake up and quickly.

You are not stuck. The council will either house them both in emergency accommodation, or this dickhead can send his son back to his actual home. It's not your problem and you are completely choosing to suffer here.

OP - kindly, if you don’t want the child to stay, then (at the very least) the child has to go. There is no other way

If he has no money, no job - how was he going to pay for ‘the new place that was sorted that fell through yesterday’?

Why aren't you questioning this more?
It sounds a bit feeble.
Surely the child would be better off with his mum and going to school as part of his normal routine.

Are you afraid of this man?

But it’s your house, so you say no, even if his father can’t.

If you don’t, you’re also giving him exactly what he wants.

Really, get rid of them both. Why do you want this man? Do you really want a man that bad? He’s useless and feckless and taking the piss.

Oh, he has. I think that's pretty much guaranteed. He's seen you coming, I'm afraid.

I don't mean that in any derogatory sense. This is a damning indictment of his character, not yours. If you trust nothing else on this thread you can have complete faith in the fact that these men know exactly what they're doing.

His actions are straight out of the cocklodgers' playbook. The reason the women of Mumsnet are so leery is that many of us have seen it all before. Don't make the mistake of thinking yours is different, or that love conquers all.

It really, really doesn't.

(A) this is not your problem
(B) you kicking them out does not "put a child on the streets" - it is a vital step to the child NOT being homeless because the local authority will not act until this man and his child are actually homeless but they will then start acting as a matter of urgency ONCE you throw them out.

You do not have to do the coping here. You are not responsible for finding somewhere for him to go and housing him until that option appears. If you do that it will never appear. The kind thing to do is to kick him out. He then goes to the local authority homelessness team as an emergency case, and as a single parent with a dependent young child and he is a top priority and will be put into emergency accommodation. The child is then fine.

But please do not continue the relationship. This man is a horrible person and has been lovebombing you and pretending to be nice to soften you up for this.

There IS nothing nice to say about this. You are allowing yourself to be exploited, and you are actively allowing a child to be kept away from his mother.

He's treating you horribly, so to tell the truth, I wouldn't feel too bad about kicking him out immediately. His son can go to live with his other parent. He may not want to, but that's where he belongs if his father can't house him. And he can't. Right now, he's using your home (and you), but you understandably don't want him and his child disrupting your life.

It might be awkward, but you don't really want a future with him, do you? After seeing how happy he is to just dump all of this on you without even asking first? How on earth can you love someone like that? He doesn't act like he loves you back, so you shouldn't want a future with this man. I'd kick him out, once and for all.