Page 13 | Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

Feelinglost10 · 2025-06-02T16:54:00+00:00

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

Londonrach1 · 02/06/2025 21:25

Tell your soon to be x partner to leave and get your safe space back. Sounds like you not ready for a relationship yet and want to enjoy your new home. Nothing wrong with that. Your ex partner to be comes with a child. Sounds like this situation isn't right for you.

Gymnopedie · 02/06/2025 21:25

WhereIsMyJumper · 02/06/2025 21:15

So the ex that you said this about:

I’m actually getting one because my ex has made my life a living hell, beat me to a pulp, beat me so bad I lost a baby and moved to a house opposite me and there’s pretty much f all I can do is it’s within his bail limitations and courts are full so waiting for a trial date could have me waiting a long time. Happy with those gory details or shall I expand further on how it’s affecting my mental health etc?

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But you still say you love him.

OP please read this:

Stockholm Syndrome: The Psychological Mystery of Loving an Abuser, Page 1

YesHonestly · 02/06/2025 21:24

Do you still have your IDVA OP?

BellissimoGecko · 02/06/2025 21:23

Christ, what a cheeky fucker. Tell him to get out. Read him the riot act for daring to move his ds in to YOUR house without even asking you!

Who cares where he goes? It’s not your business, not your responsibility.

Don’t let him walk all over you. he doesn’t respect you at all.

IOSTT · 02/06/2025 21:22

Hi Op, I’m sending you a MASSIVE HUG 🫂 Please be kind to yourself, and only spend time with people who are kind to you too 🌻

Endofyear · 02/06/2025 21:22

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:28

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money. At the end of the day I’m not just going to see a child on the street I’m not that horrible and as vile as he seems to be to everyone hes still my partner and still someone I love. This situation has blindsided me as it wasn’t ANYTHING I expected to happen and still baffled it even is going on. He should be in school and with his mum and siblings, a 6 year old shouldn’t be able to just dictate he isn’t going back and that’s that. Being a step mum is nothing to do with it, I do love and care for the child and if this was prepared and planned I may feel different but coming to my new home one day then just not leaving is a whole different story

Well you can either tell them to leave or put up with them taking over your home, stressing out your dog and screaming at you, what other solution is there?

SuperTrooper14 · 02/06/2025 21:22

WhereIsMyJumper · 02/06/2025 21:19

I’m also very concerned. This is not a man that is going to take kindly to being told he has to leave, take his son with him when he has nowhere to go. He beat her so badly she had a miscarriage and then was supported by an IDVA to get away from him. This isn’t just a few red flags we are talking about here…

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I'm more concerned for the kid's safety. OP says the dad's taken him out the house 'God knows where'. He's a vulnerable child and the dad is a violent domestic abuser. I'd be calling the police to find them.

nomas · 02/06/2025 21:22

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 21:09

Seriously! And go through old posts trying to talk about something completely different. My love for my partner and his son does not change but it doesn’t mean I was ready for this situation. It’s not even like we lived together and had a home together. This was meant to be my new home and my fresh start. And yes for all the nosey bastards this is my ex who I was getting the fresh start from but again everyone who has absolutely no idea about a thing will start with the whole leave him, why go back, like it’s the easiest thing in the entire world to do.

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It’s not easy but it’s not hard either.

You have your own place.
You are not financially dependent on him
You do not have a child with him

His child will just need to go back to where he was.
Your ex will go to his ex or a friend.

So you do have options here, OP.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 02/06/2025 21:21

Cherrytree86 · 02/06/2025 21:18

@Feelinglost10

is this right Op? Why on earth would with your get back with such a person?!

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Jesus Christ.

CornflowerDusk · 02/06/2025 21:21

I didn't realise the history before I gave my advice OP, I'm sorry.

Knowing this now I would say you deserve to feel safe in your home and this situation is not safe. Rather than confronting him as his is violent - please seek some good advice from the right services to help you with safety planning. You have managed to get away from him before and I believe you can do it again. You deserve so much better. Please reach out for support.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 02/06/2025 21:20

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 21:15

I’m trying for a baby? Thanks for letting me know. Had no idea! I thought my contraception may of failed due to the fact I was late n there was a faint line. Always good to find out I’m tying though🙈

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You got away and you’ve moved him back in. Why?

RisingSunn · 02/06/2025 21:20

OP you need therapy and support - not Mumsnet.

But you also need the police to support you in removing this man and his child.

I don't think anything we say on here is going to empower you to make the right decisions for yourself and that young child.

AnonWho23 · 02/06/2025 21:20

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 20:14

His last comment to me has just been well if he can’t stay here with him he will just have to go back to his exs and stay there (the kids mum) :( What a thing to say

Tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out. This manipulative shit isn't love @Feelinglost10. Losing this prick isn't actually a loss. I'm wondering what else is going on for you that you would call this scum the love of your life. I think you need to work on your self esteem and get some therapy.

WhereIsMyJumper · 02/06/2025 21:19

YesHonestly · 02/06/2025 21:17

I am really concerned for your safety given your update OP.

I know how hard it is to walk away, I’ve done it, but you HAVE to. The man beat you to a pulp. Nobody deserves that. Surely all of this now is showing you that he hasn’t changed and he isn’t a safe partner?

Edited

I’m also very concerned. This is not a man that is going to take kindly to being told he has to leave, take his son with him when he has nowhere to go. He beat her so badly she had a miscarriage and then was supported by an IDVA to get away from him. This isn’t just a few red flags we are talking about here…

Orderofthephoenixparody · 02/06/2025 21:19

NotWorthTheHeadache · 02/06/2025 21:16

It’s not an easy thing to do OP, but you have to do it. You were in a DV relationship with this man, now he’s back and has completely disrespected you, your space, your dog. You’ve had a pregnancy scare recently, could you imagine staying with this man and then finding out you’re pregnant and stuck with him for the rest of your life?

OP, what will it take for you to finally leave this man?

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Is it the same man who beat her up?

Cherrytree86 · 02/06/2025 21:18

WhereIsMyJumper · 02/06/2025 21:15

So the ex that you said this about:

I’m actually getting one because my ex has made my life a living hell, beat me to a pulp, beat me so bad I lost a baby and moved to a house opposite me and there’s pretty much f all I can do is it’s within his bail limitations and courts are full so waiting for a trial date could have me waiting a long time. Happy with those gory details or shall I expand further on how it’s affecting my mental health etc?

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@Feelinglost10

is this right Op? Why on earth would with your get back with such a person?!

MatildaMovesMountains · 02/06/2025 21:18

YesHonestly · 02/06/2025 21:17

I am really concerned for your safety given your update OP.

I know how hard it is to walk away, I’ve done it, but you HAVE to. The man beat you to a pulp. Nobody deserves that. Surely all of this now is showing you that he hasn’t changed and he isn’t a safe partner?

Edited

But she luurrvves him.

Mrsbloggz · 02/06/2025 21:18

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 21:03

I did 😂😂. She has 8 to be precise.

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So this man whom you love is part of this woman's hareem of 'baby daddies'.

mumda · 02/06/2025 21:18

He's a cock lodger. Ditch.

RedhairDL · 02/06/2025 21:18

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 21:12

Honestly it isn’t as black and white as this. We were barely back together before this situation happened and he isn’t the easiest person to speak to.

the mother isn’t a nice person iv had many dealings with her believe me but again I don’t want to discuss that.

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Op, what would you say to a friend in your position. Or even your daughter?

He’s not easy.
He threatened to return to his ex.
He’s screamed at you for trying to set boundaries in your own home.
He’s got no job and no money.
He has form for adding to the challenging situation of other vulnerable women (impregnating women who already have multiple children)
He doesn’t even have a nice family.
He’s disrespectful of your home and belongings.

I feel like I’ve read posts from you before about this guy. Maybe not. Many people are in similar situations. But this is not healthy. Or right.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS TO FEEL ANGRY AT HOW YOU’VE BEEN TREATED. It’s not fair that he’s done this to you. But, looking at the type of chap he is, this is unsurprising.

So what are you going to do about it?

And by the way, Love is just a feeling. It can grow and it can fade. It’s not a magical bond which overcomes all.

YesHonestly · 02/06/2025 21:17

I am really concerned for your safety given your update OP.

I know how hard it is to walk away, I’ve done it, but you HAVE to. The man beat you to a pulp. Nobody deserves that. Surely all of this now is showing you that he hasn’t changed and he isn’t a safe partner?

Orderofthephoenixparody · 02/06/2025 21:17

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 21:12

Honestly it isn’t as black and white as this. We were barely back together before this situation happened and he isn’t the easiest person to speak to.

the mother isn’t a nice person iv had many dealings with her believe me but again I don’t want to discuss that.

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You have to deal with yourself no one can mend your pain. Leave these people alone or else you will get yourself into trouble.

MatildaMovesMountains · 02/06/2025 21:16

IdiottoGoa · 02/06/2025 21:16

Seriously?

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Entirely. This is a safeguarding concern, and OP is unable to protect anyone.

Madformaltesers · 02/06/2025 21:16

So you have been supported to be rehoused by an IDVA and then taken him back or has he forced his way back?
if its the latter ring the police to remove him and his son

NotWorthTheHeadache · 02/06/2025 21:16

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 21:09

Seriously! And go through old posts trying to talk about something completely different. My love for my partner and his son does not change but it doesn’t mean I was ready for this situation. It’s not even like we lived together and had a home together. This was meant to be my new home and my fresh start. And yes for all the nosey bastards this is my ex who I was getting the fresh start from but again everyone who has absolutely no idea about a thing will start with the whole leave him, why go back, like it’s the easiest thing in the entire world to do.

Show quote history

It’s not an easy thing to do OP, but you have to do it. You were in a DV relationship with this man, now he’s back and has completely disrespected you, your space, your dog. You’ve had a pregnancy scare recently, could you imagine staying with this man and then finding out you’re pregnant and stuck with him for the rest of your life?

OP, what will it take for you to finally leave this man?