Step kids have moved out, DH is still funding them

JFC. You have driven your step son to sleep on a random relative’s sofa and your step daughter potentially to trade sex for a roof over her head. These are school children potentially studying for A levels or the IB.

You should both be ashamed. In the unlikely event that they are still attending school, ask the school to mediate, apologise and welcome them back home.

As inconvenient as it is, as bratty as they may be, they are your husband’s kids and you need to act as a parent even if it is an act. Imagine if you died and your kids were driven away?

Unlikely given they lived there for four years after their mum died. Their lives are a mess.

Are you seriously asking Mumsnet whether your husband should be financially supporting his minor children?

You know, if their mum was still alive and they were living with her she would be able to claim child support. Taking the view that he shouldn't have to support them because their mum isn't alive to make the claim is absolutely wild.

It's also very unusual for not just one but two 17 year olds to move out, however unhappy they are with their living arrangements.

Things must be bad if your stepdaughter has moved in with her 22 year old boyfriend and your stepson is couch surfing with his cousin. Those poor kids.

Maybe it's because granny couldn't cope with teenagers going through the grief of losing their mother, whilst she grieved the loss of her daughter? Sounds tough all round.

Whatever the reason, it's another upheaval in their life at just 15/16, after a traumatic event at 13. All quite hard ages for this to happen.

Of course he should be supporting them. They are his children.

He should have been a much bigger presence in their lives before they moved to the UK. That way, he could have actually parented them when they were younger. You can't expect a couple of 17 year olds to suddenly fall in line with your rules if that's not how they were brought up.

The poor kids lost their mum and had a dad that lived in an entirely different country to them (with their step and half siblings to boot). They are allowed to rebel a bit.

Do we think the “various reasons” were a grandparent dying? Is that perhaps why OP is being coy? Because if so, that’s another massive loss for them. Poor little buggers, losing one person they love after another.

Oh come on @Clayless, you know it would be unreasonable to cut them off surely?

It's not even suggested by OPs posts that they even knew her before moving in.

The OP talks about her DH spending holidays with his DC IN France, including long summer stints with his parents there but zero mention of them coming to the UK for visits.

@Clayless - this ^^^ would be my advice too.

I understand the issues and no, I disagree with a lot of posters here, in that I don't think your DH was particularly or solely to blame for the fact that their Mother took them to France and left him in the UK when they split up when the children were very small. From what you said, he did his best to stay on touch with them over the years and they didn't want to move to UK when their Mother died and GP's were happy to keep them ( and probably really wanted to keep them, as a link to their late Mother, their daughter, I'm assuming.)

It sounds like they MAY have been spoilt/over indulged by said Grandparents ( which is understandable, given the death of their Mother and clearly they aren't coping well with the move to UK, especially if your DH and you are being very strict with them, which they are not used to. That required careful handling.

Secondly, they are very nearly adults, although not quite there yet and they do require to be treated as such. They must be feeling very unsettled and unhappy for them both to move out and refuse to live at home with you any more. That's the bit that I think you need to consider in more detail. Demanding that you both need to know where either child is at any given moment is NOT reasonable (little things like knowing where they were at any given time was your own wording) but it isn't/wasn't a 'little' thing.

Your DS' comment He refused to give an address and said “don’t worry I’ll be out of here soon too” is very telling and it does sound like they have been made to feel that they are not welcome in the least. I DO get the frustration you have that you are struggling with your Financial Situation ( so many people are right at the moment) but this is not the fault of the DSD or the DSS and you are quite wrong to be blaming them. Their Father is doing the right thing by them at the moment financially. They have been acting up as many teenagers would do in the situation you described and it doesn't sound like it has been handled correctly since they came to live with you? Did they actually even want to leave their home and their friends? If not, the situation required even MORE careful handling.

As a post scrip to the above. Your DH is wrong not to be trying to get his daughter back from living with a 22 year old man. But to do that, there needs to be a rethink on how you have been dealing with things up to date. Sorry!

The OP only has a few posts, they don't take long to read.

But here's a summary -

DH split from the ex when the twins were little and the family were living in Canada (but are French citizens). When kids were still small, the whole family though the parents were split, moved to the UK. After 6 months, ex went back to France taking the kids.

DH for some unexplained reason decided to stay in the UK and saw his kids in France in school holidays, including a long stint with them all staying with his parents in the summer. OP doesn't mention them ever coming to the UK to stay with OP and their Dad and step-siblings and half-sibling.

When they were 13 their Mum died and OP said DH couldn't leave her to move back to France to be with his kids because it wouldn't be fair to leave her, her kids from a previous relationship and their shared child because she couldn't move because her ex wouldn't ever agree to her moving to another country with their shared kids

The twins didn't want to move to the UK after their Mums death and their maternal GPs were happy to have them. OP says 'various reasons' caused this to change last summer and twins moved to the UK and moved in with OP and their Dad and have had a miserable time so moved out.

Now OP doesn't want DH to pay for their school or give them money for food.

At this point, it would be better if he stopped supporting you and your first 2 children, shared custody of your child together and became a proper, present father to these poor 17 year olds.

You sound deeply unpleasant and stunningly petty. It is no wonder they couldn't stand living with you. This is one time I would really love to hear their side of this story, I am betting it is about much more than 'your structured approach'.

Ugh, I hate posts like yours. And yes, YABU in wanting him to leave his children destitute.

those poor teens lost their mum and have left their grandparents. I’d say they have gone through a lot and probably need support

P.s. I think no BF/GFs in bedrooms is entirely reasonable btw.

Confused why you want them to return the items that belong to them? You can’t take things back that you have given them because you are not getting your own way.

Your stepson called you controlling and from reading your thread its does seem to come across as that with the wanting them to return items and not realising they are 16 with jobs and a boyfriend.

As others have said, he’s got to keep paying at their age.
I’m sure they’re very hard work. But they’re not under your feet, and I think you should recognize that you got away without the burden of his kids until they were 16, while your DH took on your two when they were primary school age (based on the age of your shared child). No doubt that will continue until they fly the nest. Why should he support your kids and not his own?

Op I know sp get a tough time on mn but this:

I think they struggled with our more structured approach to parenting vs the more laissez faire style they were used to.

coupled with you saying his children, my children, our children … I just hope you all have some good times together because I known mn only provides a snapshot and you have probably had a tough time of it

You won't be back but I hope your still reading. This is why people shouldn't insist of having a children together when there's already existing children within the family. 4 children was more than enough, your dc had 2 parents where as they had 1 and he failed to step up and instead past the responsibility to grandparents. When it was too much for them he had them at his wife's displeasure and tried to enforce strict rules on 17 year olds. The fact the dd worked to avoid your house says alot. They voted with their feet and left you should be throughly ashamed of yourselves the pair of yous.

YABU. I hope your DH continues to support his DC, I really feel for them

You've really messed up.

These kids have no relationship with you and not much of one with their Dad. Trying to impose draconian rules on them without first establishing connection was a big mistake. Trying to tell nearly adults that they can't have a boyfriend or girlfriend in their room was another.

The fact that at this point you are digging your heels in instead of trying to make it up to them is worrying.

Poor children, they have been through such a lot losing their mother, and with a largely absent father. Try to imagine how you would feel if it were your own children in this situation, I expect you would be horrified and devastated.

Considering he abdicated responsibility to grandparents for years of course it was never going to be easy. Years of not being present and then being strict just was bound to be rebelled against. But yes, his children who are still at school need to be paid for - can’t cut them off just yet! Also with your own children, do you plan of being supportive after they turn 18? If they go to uni etc? Or would you feel similarly????

Nowhere in the OPs posts does it say the twins wanted to move to the UK or move in with OP and their Dad she just said 'for various reasons' they've come to live with them for their last 2 years of school.

In fact, it says they've been extremely unhappy to the point the DD has been exploited in a relationship by an older man and living with him in a flat-share with who knows how many people because living with OP and their Dad was miserable and depressing and the DS immediately said he wanted to leave too and thinks sleeping on a sofa is better.

Do you REALLY think that's because of not having enough pocket money or not being free to shag in their Dad's house?

Yabu

And you are being petty about the keyboard and tennis rackets. Love to a child isn't taken back if they fly the nest. Yes he should pay for his children. They are teenagers figuring things out in a new country, and in a home they clearly don't feel they belong to. Their mum is dead. Make them feel more comfortable. Make them feel welcome. If you buy them an item, it's theirs to do with as they please.

It seems like a stressful situation, but they are young and put yourself in their shoes, think about your hormones and choices or wants when you were their age. Teens are teens. Also imagine the kind of grandparent love they have received back home, grandparents are different, they will have been coddled presumably after their mum died, dad only there for holidays. What a shit time for those siblings, at least they have each other.

I read it back and sorry it might come across harsh but it's my honest opinion 🥲

I feel so sorry for these children, they have been through so much trauma in their young lives. Your husband is behaving appropriately of course. They are his children and they need his support, love, guidance and financial assistance more than ever. You need to develop some empathy for these kids.... They sound deeply unhappy in your house. Do you make them feel unwelcome? I would be doing everything I could to faciliate them repairing their relationship and ensuring that they feel welcome to return.

YABU my parents still paid for stuff until I was well….until present day. It’s tapered off over the years and rightly so but there was no abrupt end. When I was 20 or so they still paid for me to go on family holiday with them. And then late twenties helped out with money when I needed it etc. you don’t just say right you’re X age no money ever again