Step kids have moved out, DH is still funding them

I think it's fair enough to say he shouldn't pay any extra because they chose to move out, eg their rent or bills, but totally unfair to say he should stop paying things he was paying anyway, eg education, travel, or they should return things bought specifically for them.

You really want them to have to drop out of education because of a teenage argument about living rules and boyfriends when they have been through a lot of trauma, change and loss?
This way DH keeps as positive a relationship as possible and there's a good chance they'll come back when novelty of new living arrangements wear off or rent starts being asked for. If he cuts them off financially completely that would probably be the last nail in the coffin of their relationship.

They are children with only one living parent. Who else would fund them? And if they want uni it shouldn't stop completely at 18 either!

Maybe OP wants the tennis rackets for her children form another father.

Can this story even be true?

How would you feel if you were the twins natural mother? You would expect him to still support them.

The fact that you are so keen to cut them off screams volumes. I very much doubt that you have behaved as reasonably as you've tried to present yourself here.

I'd be fascinated to hear why BOTH children have opted to leave in their own words.

Hear hear!

The thing is, there were alternatives…

Your DH could have moved to France and visited you and your children regularly. This apparently was an ideal set up with his older children the majority of their lives.

Or, you could have left your older children with their dad and visited them during the holidays. Just like the step children had during the majority of their lives.

Be honest with yourself and your step children. The alternatives didn’t work for YOU so they didn’t happen and were not considered. It is one rule for you and your kids and another set of rules for them.

Fucking hell. So many problems here.

Let’s start with the easy one - your h told the kids that it was ok to take their stuff from his house. Wtaf? Are gifts conditional in your household? if your kids go to uni will you forbid them from taking stuff from your house? I bet that you won’t care that they’ve taken their expensive keyboard or whatever because gifts don’t come with strings.

It sounds like you and your h parented the 16 year olds like they were your children’s ages. Either your h had no clue what life was like with the grandparents or he didn’t consider their feelings if they went from relaxed to strict parenting. Either way he’s not a good dad. Your stepchildren rebelled because you were treating them much younger. If you’d treated them like their age then I’d be willing to bet that at least one of them would be living with you. I have young adult children so know that the stricter you are, the more they will rebel. Having a rule like you need to know where they are at all times was setting up the situation where your sd lied to you.

Your h is right to pay school fees and enough for tube and food as if they were at uni. Not paying for school would drive them further away from your h and not allow them to return if they break up with the bf or decide that the couch is too uncomfortable. Their school attendance is the key to their future success and choices like where to live because of the employment opportunities that come from qualifications.

I was a bit of a twat, sorry.

But OP says HER children are 'going without'.

I wonder what 'going without' means to the OP and HER children?

It clearly doesn't mean 'going without a Dad except during school holidays' like her step-DC have had to deal with for years.

She has 50/50 custody with her ex for her DC from a previous relationship and her DC with DH has had Dad around from day 1. And all living in a 5 bed house till last summer.

They were paying for OPs step-kids independent schools anyway so that hasn't changed.

So agreed, not convinced that her DH throwing a few hundred quid at his kids for living costs has pushed the family into financial hardship. It can't be more than that since he's said he won't pay toward rent but just food/transport and clothes and the DD only left 5 weeks ago and the DS, 3..

Your children aren't going without - he's paying what he would have had to pay anyway.

Teenagers behave badly. Ones who have been devastated by by the death of their mother at a very young age are especially likely to do so.

You are not coming at the problem from that perspective, and your approach to this whole issue does give some clues as to why both traumatised children have left, which is unusual.

Lol thanks for the little telling off there

They're his CHILDREN. And they still are children. It's not their fault their dad dumped them and moved countries to shack up with another woman. Christ OP put yourself in their shoes. Their mum is dead and their dad put his new wife ahead of them.

Those poor children. You're being vile.

YABU, sorry. I can understand it’s tough for you financially and seems unfair- but of course at that age he should continue to pay for their education as if they were still living at home and tbh ideally he’d give them any extra that he would have normally spent on them if they still lived there too (food, clothing costs etc).

Try to see it from their point of view (rather than as an adult with your own children who are understandably your priority) - these kids are swimming in teenage hormones with the all the emotional volatility that comes with that, are living in a new country, were living in a new home with relative strangers (you and your older children) with a new parenting structure and their Mum died only 4 years ago! I’m not surprised they are acting out. Your DH needs to keep the lines of communication open and do anything he can to achieve this, otherwise he risks alienating his kids imo.

I just hope it was made up.

Wow. Their mother is dead. They've had to relocate countries. They're actually still children.

Maybe chisel your way through your own stone cold heart and try and find a bit of compassion.

We are struggling to make everything work financially and it feels like he doesn’t see that our child together and my children are now going without so his kids can through a strop!

Well you could re-write that to…

His kids have much less (in terms of time and money) from him due to him providing for your 2 children who are not even related to him and a third child he decided to have whilst living in a different country to them for the majority of their lives.

Yep. Grim.

Also notable that they "only" have a five bedroom house and "immediately enrolled them in independent schools" so there is clearly absolutely no shortage of cash.

YABU. They are still his kids and he is responsible until they are 18. It’s no different to him paying fees for school abroad, going to see them, pay for them etc

You lost me at expensive tennis racket. Really? You’re worried about a bloody racket

Don't forget she's also pissed off that DH isn't making them return items that were bought for them.

Apparently in OPs world they're only entitled to be fed and clothed and keep possessions they were given if they're living under her roof under her rules.

I don’t think we’re going to hear from @Clayless again somehow.

The daughter is still only 16 and the least their father owes them both is an education. As far as I can see, DSD took only items that had been bought for her and hasn't made off with any of your personal possessions. She's independent and took a part-time job. In many respects she's a dream daughter (allowing for the fact that 16-year olds who are dating are likely to be having sex whether their parents want them to or not). The son's behaviour sounds less than ideal, but it's just as likely that he's kicking off because he is obviously miserable. The living arrangement he's chosen can only ever work on a very temporary basis - it makes him completely dependent on others and offers no stability or security.

If it's any comfort, neither set of living arrangements are likely to work out even in the medium term. Sofa surfing isn't viable for the duration and boyfriends at 16 don't tend to last. You might find them moving back before you know it, which I'm sure isn't really the solution you want from this. The position in your post is that you want their father to wash his hands of his children and stop providing for them. He isn't going to. His own response and actions have made that clear. Nor should he. Frankly, any man incapable of even this minimal obligation would be out of my door, as this isn't the type of man I'd choose to spend my life with.

So, if DH says 'no', what then?

Their mother passed away less than 4 years ago, they are more than likely still grieving. Their father absolutely should continue to provide for them, and what he’s offered is completely fair.

Landlady here- I wouldn't be in the least bit fussed as long as they didn't trash the flat or annoy the neighbours and she isn't being coerced.

Did I detect a note of glee from OP that the landlord might give them a hard time?

Oh and OP you are being VVV unreasonable.