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AIBU?

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Original poster

I just need encouraging words.

35 replies

juicelove · 02/06/2025 12:55

Last month my husband and I decided to separate. We have 3 month old twins and trying to co-parent the best we can. He will be moving out of state a couple hours away and I have to send our twins with him a few days out the week. I feel sick knowing my babies will not be with me everyday. I don’t know how I’m going to manage. This is so hard and I can not stop crying.

OP posts:
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FOJN · 02/06/2025 23:14

juicelove · 02/06/2025 13:50

He got a job offer in that state. Said he would not turn it down. I’ve thought about relocating to make things easier but my support system is here.

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He's choosing a new job (presumably he already had one) over his children's well being and regular contact with them. I cannot imagine disrupting the routine of two babies every few days is in their best interests and that should be the main concern for both of you. I would say no to his request.

healthybychristmas · 02/06/2025 23:07

I would not agree to that at all. Everything has to be in the babies' best interests not in his best interests. He has moved away so he needs to arrange to come back to visit them. It's absolutely disgusting that he wants them to disrupt their lives and leave their mother for long periods of time.

SadCarpetMess · 02/06/2025 22:09

I'm sorry OP bit he doesn't sound as if he wants to be in their lives. You've offered lots of alternative ideas and he's not willing to compromise. I'd be concerned that your babies will be put through a lot of distress and you won't get your desired outcome ie that they'll have a good relationship with their father. Sounds like lose:lose for them.

Katykaty11 · 02/06/2025 14:41

" this" meaning the current weekly plan.

Katykaty11 · 02/06/2025 14:39

You are keen to maintain a good relationship with the twins and their dad but this isn't the right thing to do. I would go to the court yourself before he tries to get the upper hand. I would trust a family court judge to make the best decision for your babies. The arrangement might be open to revision as they get older but one stage at a time.

toomuchfaff · 02/06/2025 14:38

juicelove · 02/06/2025 13:38

I want him to be in their lives. I’ve offered to meet half way and he can get the twins and spend time with them for a while. He didn’t agree to that. I would have did this Monday, Wednesday and Friday after work and my dad also agreed to help out if I could not make it. We’ve offered to have him go to my parents to spend time which also was not acceptable for him. All of the things I have suggested he does not agree to.

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You don't have to keep changing the offer just because he doesn't like it.

It's not your responsibility to make sure he is completely catered too when it comes to seeing his children.

Make it his problem to solve.

DolefullySingingMotherfucka · 02/06/2025 14:09

juicelove · 02/06/2025 13:03

No this is an arrangement he wants.

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If he wants this arrangement, he should go to court and apply for it. It is very unlikely that the court will agree.

PhilomenaPunk · 02/06/2025 13:58

OP take yourself and your feelings out of this situation (as hard as that will be) and think of what is best for the children. Maybe do some reading around baby development and needs etc. You are their mother and you need to advocate for their best interests: not yours and certainly not your ex’s. Should three month old twins be taken away from their mother, the only home they have known, and their wider family for half of every week? That’s the fundamental question here. The answer to that is no. It doesn’t matter if you’re breastfeeding or not. Or if he has found a job. Or if that’s what he wants etc etc etc. You all need to prioritise the needs of the children. Not your own desires.

CatchHimDerry · 02/06/2025 13:57

OP, with all kindness at this difficult situation, what on earth are you doing. Not sure of the full circumstances, but just no.

If he wishes to accept the job out of state, he can take the consequences, which is that he has to travel to see his children.

What is he doing for you, and his children?

I’d be having none of this, they are far too small

Original poster
juicelove · 02/06/2025 13:50

Twelftytwo · 02/06/2025 13:46

Why does he have to move far away? Why can't he stay more local until they're a bit older?

He got a job offer in that state. Said he would not turn it down. I’ve thought about relocating to make things easier but my support system is here.

OP posts:
Original poster
juicelove · 02/06/2025 13:48

OhBow · 02/06/2025 13:40

Your family sound supportive. Could you ask you Dad to tell him what's acceptable? Would your ex be more likely to agree then?

Both my mom and dad have tried. My dad has even sat with him but it did not help. My mom does not work everyday and she’s suggesting on her off days driving all the way to him. He would be able to spend the whole day with them and she would bring them back home that same night. I have not gotten a response yet about that.

OP posts:
Twelftytwo · 02/06/2025 13:46

Why does he have to move far away? Why can't he stay more local until they're a bit older?

upsofloating · 02/06/2025 13:41

juicelove · 02/06/2025 13:38

I want him to be in their lives. I’ve offered to meet half way and he can get the twins and spend time with them for a while. He didn’t agree to that. I would have did this Monday, Wednesday and Friday after work and my dad also agreed to help out if I could not make it. We’ve offered to have him go to my parents to spend time which also was not acceptable for him. All of the things I have suggested he does not agree to.

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So now it's your turn not to agree. What he wants is unacceptable on every level.

OhBow · 02/06/2025 13:40

Your family sound supportive. Could you ask you Dad to tell him what's acceptable? Would your ex be more likely to agree then?

Original poster
juicelove · 02/06/2025 13:38

SadCarpetMess · 02/06/2025 13:27

The arrangement is not in the babies' best interests.
What would you like to happen?

I want him to be in their lives. I’ve offered to meet half way and he can get the twins and spend time with them for a while. He didn’t agree to that. I would have did this Monday, Wednesday and Friday after work and my dad also agreed to help out if I could not make it. We’ve offered to have him go to my parents to spend time which also was not acceptable for him. All of the things I have suggested he does not agree to.

OP posts:
Original poster
juicelove · 02/06/2025 13:33

toomuchfaff · 02/06/2025 13:16

No. He doesn't get to stipulate what he wants. It's what's best for the babies at this stage.

If he is deciding to move away, thats his decision, and his problem to come back to see his children. It's not your problem to solve.

Are you still breastfeeding?

Edited
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I’m not I pump and they’re bottle fed.

OP posts:
OhBow · 02/06/2025 13:29

How easy and quick would it be for you to get legal advice? Is there a risk he'd just take them if you don't agree to it? You might need to get help fast.

I'm so sorry this is happening x

Wolfiefan · 02/06/2025 13:29

He needs to travel back to see them. It’s doesn’t matter a bit what he wants. It’s what’s best for the children. This isn’t.

SadCarpetMess · 02/06/2025 13:27

The arrangement is not in the babies' best interests.
What would you like to happen?

IgneousSedimentary · 02/06/2025 13:25

juicelove · 02/06/2025 13:10

I don’t have to, but this is the only way he’ll be able to see our babies.

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So what, though? If he can’t travel to see them, that’s a pity, obviously, but it’s far more important they’re with their mother without avoidable absences of several days.

MumChp · 02/06/2025 13:24

Court would never order a mum to send 3 months old babies out of state with dad. No. Say no.

Katykaty11 · 02/06/2025 13:23

Maybe try to sit down together and map out what a month would look like for the twins with all the logistics included. Perhaps seeing it on paper might bring you both to the conclusion that the current plan is not in their best interests.

PhilomenaPunk · 02/06/2025 13:20

juicelove · 02/06/2025 13:03

No this is an arrangement he wants.

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Well it’s not about him is it? When you become a parent you’re meant to start prioritising your children. These are babies. They cannot be separated from their mother and driven hundreds of miles away every single week to placate him. I cannot fathom a single court that would agree to this. They are 3 months old FFS! You do not have to do anything. He is not in charge. Take this through the courts. He is the one moving out of state, not you.

toomuchfaff · 02/06/2025 13:16

juicelove · 02/06/2025 13:03

No this is an arrangement he wants.

Show quote history

No. He doesn't get to stipulate what he wants. It's what's best for the babies at this stage.

If he is deciding to move away, thats his decision, and his problem to come back to see his children. It's not your problem to solve.

Are you still breastfeeding?

Overthebow · 02/06/2025 13:14

You can’t send your 3 month old babies away for a few days a week, they need their mum. If he’s the one who moved away he will have to travel to you until they’re older.