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Original poster

Have I really messed up by talking to him about this?

31 replies

Golumshand · 02/06/2025 11:24

Early on in my relationship, my partner told me that he was the victim of a very traumatic violent abuse situation in his childhood.

My ex was also violent, but it’s not something I talk about a lot, although of course my partner knows. It was a long time back and I prefer to look forwards and I don’t like to bring previous relationship troubles into a new relationship.

Last night we happened to talk about my ex and I opened up a bit more about what I’d been through with him. My partner seemed fine and engaged. It felt therapeutic to talk about it.

He then called me for a chat this morning and said he couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d been through and it bought back a lot of trauma for him,

I then messed up massively by saying: “obviously I’m so sad you went through that but I’m glad to have someone who understands”.

My lovely partner has never been abrupt with me in the years I’ve known him but hegot quite annoyed by this, and angrily pointed out I shouldn’t be glad he went through it at all. Which of course was not what I meant! I had clearly said that, but I guess I was still insensitive by saying I’m glad to have someone who understands.

Once that had settled a bit and I reiterated what I meant, I said I was on my way to work and didn’t want to talk about it then, but I’d love to chat more to him about it another time as our relationship is fairly serious and it seems an important thing to be open about.

I was quite shocked that he said no. It was too traumatic for him and he couldn’t talk about it. Again he was very abrupt, as if I’d overstepped and triggered his trauma.

I totally understand and respect his boundary of course, but his reaction has made me feel really awful.

I somehow came away from the conversation feeling guilty by association with my ex husband. As if I’m a bad person for marrying someone who had the capacity to do what someone once did to him as a child.

I’m really reeling from his reaction and don’t know what to say to him now. My partner is a huge part of my life and I feel like I’ve traumatised him and been completely insensitive.

OP posts:
MoogooMongoose · 02/06/2025 11:43

So sorry you have both experienced violent trauma.
I don't think you were being insensitive when you opened up about your own. Or insensitive when you showed empathy for your partners experiences and gratitude for his understanding of yours.
You were just in the moment and that's how you felt.
You sound kind loving and appreciative of your partner. You also haven't dwelt on your past too much. Maybe consider a friend to talk to instead.

It takes time and expert help to heal from childhood trauma.
It sounds like your partner is still struggling.
Have you thought about counselling either separately or together?
Or these issues may repeat themselves.

AlorsTimeForWine · 02/06/2025 11:41

I dont think you did "mess up massively" by saying:
“obviously I’m so sad you went through that but I’m glad to have someone who understands”.

The lack of empathy from people who haven't been through things themselves sometimes astounds me. I think its not an odd or weird thing to say.

He is clearly deeply affected by it.
Let him come back in his own time and if he doesnt want to discuss it that honesty is his business

NoBodyIdRatherBe · 02/06/2025 11:36

This all sounds very one way. You have to be careful about how you discuss your trauma incase it triggers him but him making you feel bad is also your fault? I’d be careful how much you set up the dynamic that you are the one who cares emotionally for him without that in return.

LadyTable · 02/06/2025 11:36

Ouch!

I think it's a subject you should both probably stay away from now.

You both know about the abuse each of you suffered, if you need to open up again, perhaps it would be better to open up to a friend or therapist, rather than someone for whom you're taking the lid off their can of worms?

Original poster
Golumshand · 02/06/2025 11:32

Bourbonbonbon · 02/06/2025 11:27

It was an insensitive comment and touched a nerve but you are fully aware of this and sorry.

I would just try to move on. Don't expect him to go back into it when he's feeling dysregulated.

I think this does show that although it's intuitive to think it's helpful to be with someone who understands, it's not always the case. It can be harder.

I honestly feel so awful for saying it. I just meant it was nice to have someone who understood the topic.

Interesting point about it not being ideal to have someone who can relate.

I do feel that somewhat because my experience, while traumatic, was nothing compared to what he went through. I was an adult and left very quickly after he showed his true colours. I couldn’t possibly understand the experience of a helpless child.

OP posts:
Bourbonbonbon · 02/06/2025 11:27

It was an insensitive comment and touched a nerve but you are fully aware of this and sorry.

I would just try to move on. Don't expect him to go back into it when he's feeling dysregulated.

I think this does show that although it's intuitive to think it's helpful to be with someone who understands, it's not always the case. It can be harder.