Have you regretted ending your marriage?

I agree with @urghhh47 . Your DH seems very uncompromising OP. My ExDH was abusive and also never listened to anyone else’s views on anything. I was relieved to leave and divorce him. It was hard going it alone. I did it for 15 years as a single parent but the freedom to make my own decisions was priceless. I am remarried to a nice man. We discuss and make joint decisions on important matters. Otherwise I please myself, If anything were to happen to my DH I would never ever let another man tell me what to do. As for your DH not letting the bairns have a little pet that’s just really mean in my view.

So you disagree over certain aspects of parenting.

The solution is to talk about it, argue if necessary, keep talking until you reach a compromise or one of you comes round to the other perspective.

You’d rather leave than override him or argue with him? Are you scared of him? Or very conflict averse generally? Would you ideally say yes to the kids all the time - if so maybe he feels he has to be the strict one as you’re being “fun mum” who always says yes?

You need to talk to him about how you feel and keep talking. Get cross if necessary.

Remember that if you split you will still need to co parent, there will still be compromises and things you need to agree on, not day to day perhaps but over bigger things.

My dad was like this. Deeply practical with his money spending. He saw no enjoyment in going for a coffee when you can make one at home for virtually nothing. Or doing anything which wasn't steeped in absolute practicality. It's so bloody boring! He would give the kids money for Christmas, but it was out of duty, nothing more. We used to call him the vibe killer.

And also - marriage counselling. This would be a great way to openly air your grievances with each other, in a safe space where you can talk about this and come up with a compromise.

OK, tell him what you're telling us. That it's making you so unhappy you're genuinely considering leaving him. I bet he has NO idea that's going through your mind.

Also something which struck me - you say your kids ask for ice creams, and he says no and you don't want to override him. And he would feel the same. So how about you say yes before he can say no? Then he won't override you, and they you get to do what you'd like.

If he's not listening then you need counselling. And if he's still not listening then I would consider leaving. Currently it sounds like he makes all the decisions about money and that isn't on in a marriage. He has created an unequal balance of power.

I still can't work out why you don't just say "oh FFS, stop being a grumpy git, I'm having an ice-cream AND I'm buying the kids one, do you want one or not? It's my money and I'm buying them. Fuck off with your stinginess". My DH has occasionally acted a bit like your DH in the early days of having kids, but he soon learned.

Ok, so then that’s a bigger issue in that he won’t make any sort of compromise. Is he like this about other things?

No I don’t. I’m remarried and love my husband and he is the love of my life, but don’t miss my ex. I still have to come across him because of the kids but contact is limited and that suits me fine. He is a right twat. Best decision ever made. In over 10 years apart from asking me to go back about 2 years in (my response was to laugh 😆 after everything he put me through and his little monologue about how his life was so much easier married🤣🤣yes of course it was lovely I did everything I mean everything) to my knowledge he hasn’t asked anyone out on a date or anything. He has about a max of 4 friends and never been on a date or got a girlfriend and he’s now 50, so I can’t see it happening. He lost a load in the divorce due to unreasonable behaviour so I can’t see him risking the money either - ever.

But have you actually sat down and had a discussion with him about it, away from the children?

I think he sounds hard work and unappealing, if not controlling. But then I’m not in a good marriage and I’m finding it very hard to leave.

So you’d rather leave him than deal with the issue? Have you tried saying ‘listen, we both earn money but you seem to think you can dictate what it’s spent on. I would like to use some of my own money to buy the children an ice cream, or take them on a day trip’?

He sounds really sensible tbh, Pets are really expensive and a real tie, if you like going out/away frequently with the kids what are you going to do with the pet while you go? There is no 'being spontaneous' when you have a dog to consider, you can't just go out for the day and leave them home alone for hours on end. Even constantly going out with friends is impacted and the kids would probably quickly get bored of it and it would all be left to you.

What are you wanting to spoil the children with at Christmas? A ton of plastic tat? If so then again I'm with him. I bet they couldn't tell you a single thing they got for Christmas 3 years ago, probably even 2.

I think you'd be mad to leave but we don't know your situation with work/income, if you're a high enough earner to be able to afford to live alone and still spoil the children then surely you could spend a little more without him really noticing? Or do some thing with the kids without him? Or is there some deeper thing here where he is extremely financially controlling and you're not allowed to spend a single penny without his full agreement?

You write “I’m happily married”.

Living with ANYONE involves compromise by all parties and when your children grow older and don’t act the way you want will you discard them as well. No of course you won’t.
i susoect you’re having a little “that grass looks lush over there” moment. It isn’t always. If you’re happily married then you are very lucky.

I think these are petty reasons tbh.

Having a pet is a big deal and both adults need to be behind it as both will be looking after it, on top of looking after your children, jobs and household.

Unfortunately a partnership involves lots of compromises and I can relate to it being dull and a drag oftentimes (I too am married to a curmudgeon!!). But if you are married to a great guy who is good, faithful, hardworking and a great dad then I think you might well regret it, and your children will wonder why you did that.

Also, think about your partner's point of view, you may well be doing things that irritate him too, but you'd be a bit pissed off if he left you for similar reasons.

I'd either try to pick your battles, drop the pet thing and focus on what you do agree on. Or do the things anyway a bit more within your marriage like others have suggested.

I don’t get this. Just spend what you like on the kids. Stop consulting him. You earn and have the right to spend.

I'm with @toomuchfaff on this one. Just do what you want anyway - I do. Every human is different, so even in a good marriage people will differ on what they spend, how they bring up kids etc. Rather than break up the marriage, I would at least experiment with just doing what you want. Go ahead and spoil the kids etc. The pet one is harder - I don't like pets, and have a phobia of dogs, BUT, with a lot of discussion about type of animal/dog breed, and an absolute assurance that I will not have to do any looking after of an animal, then I could be persuaded.

Also consider he may want 50:50 residency with the children, so you’ll have less opportunity to spoil them.

Why do you need to leave him to spoil the children?
I mean, you can end a marriage for whatever reason you wish. There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ reasons. But why can’t you do those things now? If there are disagreements about fundamentals like attitudes to finance, have you considered marriage counselling?
Also running two households is expensive. Will there be any money to spoil the children if you split?

Don’t regret it. At. All. Wish I had done it sooner.

feel held back by him and want to spoil the children and do as I please.

So, start doing as you please? Spoil the children, eat the cake? Do the thing. Be yourself... obviously within reason- I'm not saying go overboard but don't be held back from doing some things you want to do. He's meant to be your husband, not your captor.

What will he do?
Moan? who give a flying fiddle? Is he your boss? No.
Be Violent? Not ok - Leave.
Throw a toddler tantrum - eyeroll...