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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- pulling someone up on snarky comments.

637 replies

Guttyyyyyyyyy · 02/06/2025 07:57

So I work and DH is retired. We have a dog. I work 4 days a week . On the days I work DH walks the dog in the morning and I walk it in the evening. My days off we swap it around.
There is a group of dog walkers that meet in the morning. One man thinks its hilarious to ask if Ive enjoyed my sleep in/ lazy day/ sending DH out while I relax ect.
every single time I see him. 2 years of me just ignoring him / saying I work ect.
I work in a unit that deals with palliative care. Yesterday was a bloody hard day.
So this morning he said it must be nice to laze about on a Sunday and send DH out so I let him have it with both barrels - told him ( in rough terms) what my day consisted of. That I was up and out by 6am. Long drive. The realities of my job.
He was silent. Got home and his wife has watsapped to say Ive upset him !@@.
AIBU to think he deserves it.

OP posts:
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Productiveweek · 15/06/2025 08:19

Op how’s the dog walks going?!

Francestein · 06/06/2025 00:10

I think the wife might be persuaded to leave the WhatsApp group of her own accord if enough people mention how they feel sorry for her for staying with such an awful man OR that it’s very telling that now she has the facts about his behaviour, she hasn’t apologised to OP for accusing HER of being a bully.

TeaAndTattoos · 05/06/2025 15:11

Tell her the crybaby deserved it and exactly why he did if he doesn’t like it when someone stands up to him then maybe he shouldn’t have constant digs at you every time you see him.

Agapornis · 05/06/2025 14:05

She's probably (rightly) embarrassed. But leaving the group will send the admins a notification, so that's also embarrassing.

I don't think you should necessarily punish her for his actions, even if she's in denial? She hasn't doubled down since finding out what really happened, right? Maybe she's quietly planning a divorce.

Original poster
Guttyyyyyyyyy · 05/06/2025 13:57

SoManyIdiotsSoLittleTime · 05/06/2025 12:48

Who’s the admin? Can she be booted out?

Admin is on holiday until the end of the week, not sure if she will want to boot anyone out. The watsapp was originally set up because 4 of us - all women- used to go to the same beach early morning - in winter when its still dark- so it was a safety thing more than a chat thing. This was nearly 10 years ago now and its grown a lot.

OP posts:
SoManyIdiotsSoLittleTime · 05/06/2025 12:48

Who’s the admin? Can she be booted out?

Original poster
Guttyyyyyyyyy · 05/06/2025 12:05

An update of sorts. No sign of him yesterday or today.
DH had to drive past his house this morning and their motahome is gone so theyve probably gone on a trip.
AF's wife is still on the watsapp chat.

OP posts:
HunnyPot · 05/06/2025 07:09

rainingsnoring · 05/06/2025 06:36

I don't think making a straw man argument (see your first comment) demonstrates any critical thinking of education. Lots of laughing emojis don't make any point either.

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Wrong 🤣🤣🤣

rainingsnoring · 05/06/2025 06:36

HunnyPot · 04/06/2025 20:04

The incorrect punctuation and poor spelling doesn’t back up your argument 🤣🤣🤣🤣

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I don't think making a straw man argument (see your first comment) demonstrates any critical thinking of education. Lots of laughing emojis don't make any point either.

BlossomOfOrange · 04/06/2025 23:39

Very reassuring to find out he has form and was chucked out, hopefully this is all very reassuring re trusting your gut.

What would you do if he attempted an apology? Just thinking that if he particularly liked the group, he might…

HunnyPot · 04/06/2025 20:04

Spinachpastapicker · 04/06/2025 18:41

I am exceedingly well educated thank you. Hunny 😂

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The incorrect punctuation and poor spelling doesn’t back up your argument 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Looklively · 04/06/2025 19:53

DontTouchRoach · 02/06/2025 08:08

She’s been listening to the same joke every single week for two years about her being ‘lazy’ because her retired husband walks their dog on the days when she is caring for the dying on a palliative ward.

If anything, I think she underreacted.

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What she said - in spades!! 😂

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/06/2025 18:45

I agree with you, @Spinachpastapicker - it seems like the sort of joke only a man would make, not the sort of thing women would say. Of course there are exceptions, and maybe some women would carry on making such an unfunny joke, even when their victim had explained why the joke was so wrong - but I can’t think there would be that many.

Spinachpastapicker · 04/06/2025 18:41

HunnyPot · 04/06/2025 14:17

Oh here we go assuming that we are all the same just because we are women.

Educate yourself and discover some of us are capable of critical thinking.

We’re not all glove puppets.

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I am exceedingly well educated thank you. Hunny 😂

HunnyPot · 04/06/2025 14:17

Spinachpastapicker · 04/06/2025 09:35

oh here we go. FFS. A woman likely wouldnt make the same sexist “joke” and not for 2 years. 2 years!

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Oh here we go assuming that we are all the same just because we are women.

Educate yourself and discover some of us are capable of critical thinking.

We’re not all glove puppets.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/06/2025 12:19

Blackdow · 03/06/2025 16:05

@Thesecondcoff

I’ve read the OP’s posts again. No one has asked this man to leave the dog walking group at all. Certainly not years ago.

You’re seething anger at the phrase “suggested he leave” is just very very odd. We all know what it means. It isn’t a request or optional. It’s being kicked out, but with polite wording. It’s just a turn of phrase and you need to calm down. The guy left a gardening group after being asked to. Now he has left this group after people started speaking about his behaviour openly.

Just calm down.

This poster pulled me up on another thread yesterday and intimated that there was something wrong with my reading and comprehension skills on that and other threads. Oh the irony !!

Rosscameasdoody · 04/06/2025 12:16

Ponoka7 · 04/06/2025 11:14

Does he say the same things to men? Has he ever said the same re cremation to a man whose close relative it involved?

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I doubt it - he’d likely have a fat lip if he had !!

Ponoka7 · 04/06/2025 11:14

Parkxyz · 03/06/2025 09:10

They are being crass, it’s because they don’t have anything else to say. It doesn’t matter what your job is or how hard you work it’s just their feeble attempt at making conversation.They are too thick (or don’t care) whether they are offending anyone.
I’ve know someone for years who always asks me where my suntan is when I come home from holiday,(I’m very pale skinned) I’ve learned to bat it back with “oh I knew there was something I needed to pack in my suitcase”. I get so sick of it! it’s their attempt to make the conversation all about them.
The same person asked me if my brother was “well cooked with bacon and sausages” when he was recently cremated!

Does he say the same things to men? Has he ever said the same re cremation to a man whose close relative it involved?

Spinachpastapicker · 04/06/2025 10:40

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 15:58

You do see that it was suggested a few years ago that he leave

but he stayed

they kept him on the WhatsApp group etc

despite knowing he was a bully years ago

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Where was it suggested that he leave? OP has just found out that He was asked to leave a different, gardening, group but nowhere that I can see does OP say he was asked to leave this informal dog walking gang?

Rosscameasdoody · 04/06/2025 10:30

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 17:29

Immediately other members of the group, actually the OP’s good male friend, jumped in and said he was aware of AF only doing this to women. So he’s heard, and done squat all! Just riding the wave of OP’s strength of character to confront him.

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This is just nonsense. This has all surfaced since OP called him out - no-one knew why the other woman had left until then. You’re getting confused with the other group he was on. It was a gardening group and he was asked to leave because of similar comments, again, only directed at women. And again, it’s only just come to light that that happened. Nothing to do with the dog walking group. OPs male friend informed AF’s wife that he had been targeting the women with the comments.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/06/2025 10:25

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 15:58

You do see that it was suggested a few years ago that he leave

but he stayed

they kept him on the WhatsApp group etc

despite knowing he was a bully years ago

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Nope. Different group. Gardening club. He’s never been asked to leave the dog walking group.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/06/2025 10:21

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 15:23

None of the men in this group said anything over the years despite it now being evident that fellow walkers were definitely aware of his bullying and racism

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But it’s not evident is it ? He doesn’t target men, and the only two women in the group he’s targeted are OP and another woman who left. The reason she left - because of his racist comments - has only just come to light, so it’s very possible that the full extent of his shitty comments is only just coming out now.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/06/2025 10:16

Thesecondcoff · 03/06/2025 13:32

Also found out that it was suggested he leave a community gardening group a few years ago due to a bullying incident ( against a woman)

wtf…, they suggested it? And he said “nah, I’ll crack on”, and the group said “ok cool”?

No - ‘suggested he leave’ is a polite way of kicking him out. I doubt there was a choice.

Spinachpastapicker · 04/06/2025 10:13

ClearHoldBuild · 02/06/2025 20:13

But she didn’t challenge him on his misogynistic or racist views, nor in solidarity with their fellow dog walker who did vote with their feet. She only gave both barrels as a result of being called lazy. The OP who continued to meet this person with the other dog walkers ignoring their disgusting opinions until they had a bad day at work and a menopausal rage. If his wife hadn’t text and he hadn’t left the group this afternoon chances are they would still be walking their dogs in the same group. Hardly the decent person that you refer to.

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OP has just found out about the racist comments since this all started. She didn’t know before.

The reading comprehension on here sometimes reminds me why the U.K. average standard is 9-11 years old.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/06/2025 10:13

Spinachpastapicker · 04/06/2025 09:35

oh here we go. FFS. A woman likely wouldnt make the same sexist “joke” and not for 2 years. 2 years!

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Agree. And if they did, and posted on MN whingeing about being called out on it they would almost certainly get the same response.