DH has moved out

I don't want to be that person but when I bought my three-bed house, I spent about £16K in total doing it up, and that also included a new kitchen (that cost £9K, it's a small kitchen though), new flooring, and paint etc. I did that myself (I've got fairly good at putting in laminate flooring although I hate it). So £100K on what you've described IS a lot, unless it's super high-end or your house is absolutely massive.

You've avoided questions on how that £100K breaks down, which does lead me to think your OH is frustrated because you've spent more than you can afford when you actually could have done it on a much more sensible budget. Is that the case?

I agree with this. We have a massive job on here and are holed up in a caravan until we have the money for the next phase.

Stuff like this needs a lot of considered thinking about, not spending and hoping for the best.

Wardrobes, bed and paint, I wouldn't consider if I was already in over my head.

OP who has made the decision to spend on stuff other than actual structural stuff because if he was involved then he is to blame too. If you have been a Pollyanna and insisted it's all done so it looks like a hotel and bugger the expense, this is your chickens coming home to roost. The devil is in the detail.

If you are buying a house that is at the top end of your budget, then it should have been ready to go with very minimal cosmetic work requred but if you were up for a reno job then you should have deducted the 60K needed for the renevation from your budget and buy a house based on that. Hard to see how anyone would fail to feel horrible about losing their life savings in addition to an expensive budget all in a few months. What was the deposit contribution from both of you?

Took us years to do every project. We spent then saved for the next phase. So yes you were both being unreasonable IMO

It sounds like you have both been unwise here. And both poor at properly communicating. Surely you must have realised that there was a problem when your H said he’d have to sell his shares etc? And surely he should said how uncomfortable he was feeling about it all? And shouldn’t you have been concerned when he kept changing his mind about carrying on with the renovations? And shouldn’t he have sat down with you and had a proper conversation? And how on earth didn’t either of you recognise that your spending was out of control?

What do you want to happen now? You don’t seem to be heartbroken that he’s moved out, more concerned snout losing money in a house sale.

If you care about your marriage then right now, that’s where you should be focusing your energy. Can you spend some time talking together, on neutral territory? You need to be honest with each other and really hear what you’re both saying. You need to acknowledge each other’s pain / anger etc if you’re going to find a way forward together.

And obviously, don’t spend anything else on the house!

Does the £100k include structural work? Or just the cost of the materials, fitting and painting? If the latter I do feel that something has gone wrong somewhere. We are about 30 minutes north of london and we are mid renovations- half garage conversion into an office and utility, internal wall removal and steels fitted, new wooden bespoke painted kitchen, quartz workstops, knock through back wall and bifolds fitted, flooring throughout, downstairs loo refit, painting etc - has cost £90k

I know you said you have spent all the money but has the works actually taken place? Is there a cooling off period?

It does sound to me like you got carried away and went to get everything done at once, beyond your current means. Architects draw things up and explain the cost to be approved surely, don't just add on costs then present with a bill at the end?

If you want things done all at once and fast then it costs a great deal, my sister in law sunk 50k on a kitchen bevause she wanted it done yesterday and I must couldn't believe spending that on a small kitchen!

I think if you want to save the marriage its time to sit down and basically apologise for letting it all get carried away. You say he said yes then no then yes, which sounds like he was being pulled in directions- ie you wanted something, he didn't, then you showed him via whatever method either emotionally or verbally that you weren't happy and he relented.

I may be wrong but that's just the vibe I get from your op and subsequent replies, happy to be corrected. But you need to basically apologise for that and try and work out a way to recoup some money for his shares or simply be genuinely contrite enough he can come home and then you can start building up his shares again.

They both decided to employ designers etc. and let the costs get out of hand, instead of doing one room at a time, as and when finds permitted. The DH chose to sell his ISA and employee shares to fund the work

You should be a novelist, you have a real gift for writing fiction.

All these people saying they can’t see how OP spent £100k on those renovations clearly haven’t tried to get any work done in London recently. Costs have risen so much post brexit and covid (more than doubled in that time in many cases!). Not the point of the thread but I do sympathise with you OP and see how this could have happened.

He has discovers levels of shallowness, stupidity and entitlement in his wife that he so hoped were not there.

Why did you get designers in?? Noone gets designers in unless they are absolutely loaded.
You should have done the work yourself, slowly and cheaply over years. Getting trades in to do the bits you can't. Like electrics.

tbf the DH is a grown ass man who has the ability to say no. They're both responsible for this mess - they both bought a house at the top of their budget that needed significant renovation and £££. They both decided to employ designers etc. and let the costs get out of hand, instead of doing one room at a time, as and when finds permitted.
The DH chose to sell his ISA and employee shares to fund the work and now he's resorted to calling his wife names and has run back to his mummy and daddy.

This was my first thought and he doesn’t like the way he’s expected to skint himself to keep up with the Joneses

I really feel for you, OP. Years ago, we bought a renovation project house and poured all our savings into it. This was back in 1998, and for £26k we managed to get a new kitchen, breakfast room, fourth bedroom, playroom, study, new windows, and heating. To be fair, the builder was a friend, so we got a good deal.
But what I really wanted to share is that a few years later, we split up. I left the home I had lovingly designed myself and now live in a two-bedroom maisonette. It has a nice, though not fancy, kitchen, the rooms could use a fresh coat of paint, and the bathroom is a bit dated—but it’s mine, and it makes me happy as I have spare money to spend on having fun and enjoying life.
Looking back, the big renovation project brought a lot of stress into our relationship. So if I could offer one piece of advice, it would be to consider scaling back on any non-essential work if possible. Sometimes, spending a lot all at once can put unexpected pressure on a relationship.
If scaling back isn’t an option, maybe once the work is done, get the property revalued. That way, your DH can see that the savings haven’t disappeared—they’ve just been transformed into something tangible and valuable.
Wishing you all the best with your home and your journey 💛

Hi OP, I am sorry for the situation you are in but you need to get a better paid job and also a second job, or can you borrow from family. Show your DH that you at least are prepared to make this house work regardless of how the situation arose

Would it be feasible to take in a lodger?

You need to communicate with your DH otherwise you are both going to lose a lot more

and please look @DuckbilledSplatterPuff and @Over40Overdating there is some very good advice there for you

How can you get into the position of having renovations done that you can't afford? Didn't you get binding quotes? Do the work in stages, kitchen see how much you have left of your budget, then flooring. Decorating you can do yourselves to some extent, wardrobes really?

If the house was really dilapidated and you've done all the necessary work, why isn't it worth more?

I would be concerned that you have been taken advantage of because you seem rather innocent when it comes to renovations. This is not all your fault but your DH spending all his savings and investments on this has obviously really upset him. You need to talk.

Stress getting to him.

Handles it like a little boy (which is the real problem)

I hate these bitchy feminine men who blame substitute mothers (their wives) for their woes, I’d be happy he left.

So is the house done then?? My larents took 20 years to renovate their huge dooer uper. My sisters been doing hers for 6 so far and not finished.
Why are you doing it all at once with limited funds.
Pull back. Do the work yourself, learn to tile.
People I know that have taken on house renovations have done the majority themselves.
Buy ikea wardrobes or get some temporary ones on face book market place.
Get cheap flooring down so its livable, and do it over a period of years.

Another sensible post. Glad there's more than one!

This. A sensible post at last!

A 100K on house renovations in under 6mnths is huge. I've been renovating my house for years, I had to stop and start when I could afford it. I don't believe that new beds and wardrobes come under this, even redecorating some rooms can wait. You can buy cheaper/second hand stuff until you can afford the stuff you really want. What sort of designer did you have? I feel like your not being very open about if a lot of this work was urgent or if it was extra stuff you wanted now but could have waited for?

Anyway. You could feel more upset about your marriage? And yes if you can't afford to buy him out or he doesn't want to be married to you anymore it could be sold as an asset in your financial settlement. Whilst he is also responsible for how much has been spent it sounds like he now has huge regrets he can't over.

I feel for both of you. We’re just a few months post major renovations. We got scammed by builders and the costs spiralled out of control. Our original plan was that the house would be absolutely perfect at the end of it, but we eventually accepted that we would have to drop our standards and do some things much later. If I were you I would drop my
standards too, renovations are one of the most stressful things for a marriage.

1. See if there are any savings that can be made. If work hasn’t been started, call the designers and tell them you’re cutting back.
2. Look for another better paid job for yourself or even a second job or overtime.
3. Admit to your husband that you made a mistake and that you’re going to reign the project in, at least for now.

However, if the money has been handed over and nothing can be done about that, then skip to number 2. You’re going to have to help pay for this.

Best of luck.

I got carried away with the house and when designers came to visit they added extra I didn’t know we needed and it slowly went out of control.

This is a crucial comment @Passa - what exactly were the extras that your designers said you needed? You sound very gullible, designers are there to sell more stuff to make themselves more money, they will sell you nice to haves and wants to up their payday, What you do is say NO, this is our budget and stick to it. It didn't slowly go out of control it galloped away.

Also @Passa what is your priority here - your husband and marriage or the house? Which is more important to you? Does your husband want a divorce? That is what you should be concentrating on and if he does then yes the house will have to go whether at a loss or not if you cannot afford to take over the commitment.

It took me 9 years to reno my first house, and it was only a 2-up, 2-down terrace.

And I got it all done with my own money, no rich partner to ponce off.