DH has moved out

Don’t think people realise how much building materials have rocketed. I bought a tiny kitchen’s worth of units for DD last month, basically four units and a sink and taps, plus worktop, £1,000 for a fairly basic range, not the cheapest and also didn’t include hob or oven as fortunately they were still in good condition.

definitely worth doing some costing on upgrading and refurbishing if you’re looking to move.

Communication and not being on the same page about priorities seems to be a real problem here. We have been restoring an old broken down house for the past five years, we bided our time, doing things as and when we could afford them depending on cashflow and time needed. You don't need "designers" etc, completely unnecessary, surely half the fun is designing it yourself exactly as you want? Of course such people are going to get you to buy things you don't need and didn't intend to get, that is literally their job. I'd steer well clear!

We moved in earlier this year and we literally have no kitchen (just some kitchen appliances in the lounge), as the kitchen space has no windows or doors so far, and as we want lovely French doors, which are expensive to buy, so we just have to wait a while. We also have no cupboards in the house at all, and I mean absolutely none, apart from a couple of medicine cabinets in the bathrooms. None in the bedrooms. Not in the lounge, no kitchen cupboards, nothing. No shelving. No storage space of any kind apart from the attic. We have been living out of cardboard boxes for 5 months. It's all part of the process as we plan how and where we are going to build the cupboards and craft the spaces to our exact liking/convenience, which is exciting and fun. Not all the ceilings are complete and the floors are bare wood planks which still require further sanding and sealing (happening this month! Linseed oil is not that expensive!). It will all get done in time and we will appreciate it all the more, and it will be exactly as we want (of course some compromises with each other if we don't agree on every aspect).

Why did you have to do everything at once, and allow yourself to get involved with designers etc? Were the things you have done things you both agreed on, including the timescales and budget for them? If not, you need to start communicating much better now if you are to save the relationship. Consider compromising on things/being more patient as you go forward.

She didn’t say he blamed her. She said it was her fault. 🤷‍♀️

I'll be honest, I don't blame him if he's leaving you.

It's clear you took for granted that he would pay for your whims (you state that you could never afford the mortgage and he's had to sell shares etc to fund it) and are now finding out that his patience has run out.

You also state designers pointed out things you didn't realise you needed. Sounds like you were upsold beyond your means, and don't really know the value of his money.

Not once have you broken down your costs or explained why you couldn't get a 2nd job, or do overtime. Sounds like you don't want to deal with the consequences or admit that you are to blame.

All in, I think he's made a terrible mistake and I hope he makes his money back on the house etc.

This could easily cost 100K, prices for work are so high currently. A new bathroom done to a decent standard is easily 15K. I had a new kitchen and utility plus some structural work and it was 30K. Work is very expensive these days. They could have done it in stages though and spread the cost out as and when they could afford it.

I spent 100k on my entire actual flat (albeit 15 years ago)!

Not getting involved or keeping tabs on what was going on...is also a decision. It's his house too.. It's no good not being on top of it until it reaches crisis point then having a meltdown when it doesn't work the way you expected it to and then placing all the blame on your partner. You wouldn't get away with that in other areas of your life

When we renovated our house, I was on maternity leave and did a lot of the running around to get quotes.. but there is NO WAY DH would have stood back and not gone into detailed discussion with me on the plans/cost. And I needed him to.

And yes.. building work cost more than anticipated and we had to postpone/cutback plans.
I imagine its even worse now that the cost of living crisis has dramatically increased the cost of building materials.. so estimates from even two years ago would be very out of date.

Designers? Why did you need designers? You can't have had all the work done already, isn't there anything you can cancel and save money to save your marriage? If not then it's probably best you sell up and give him the money back then go your separate ways.

OP, I think all you can do now if you want to save your marriage and house is to acknowledge to him that it got completely out of control and you realise how much of that is your responsibility, and you understand what it means that he had to sell his shares. Tell him how sorry you are.

But say that it was in pursuit of your life together and that is a life you would like to save. You realise that this has put a rift between you but you would like to try couples counselling to give you a safe and mediated space in which you can both discuss how you got here, how your teamwork was undermined and how you can regain mutual trust.

Tell him you will do all in your power to get your savings back on track.

It may or may not work, but what have you got to lose in trying?

@Skippydoodle I know I'm missing the point of the thread but I'd love to hear your budgeting/money saving tips. We're at the planning stage of a similar build with a similar budget and feeling daunted. Worried about the potential to overspend!

Ah I see, you got carried away spending his salary on stuff he didn’t want? I get shared money etc, but you’ve been Gram Grabbed!

Your DH does sound a bit of a wet lettuce, allowing decisions to be made that he's not comfortable with. You seem to have done most of the pushing for extra spending that really needed a lot more consideration, and I can see why your DH is pissed off with you if that's the case. He needs to accept some responsibility here as he's either given in on decisions he wouldn't have wanted to say yes to, or he's been caught up in the madness of spending as well and now deeply regrets it.

You can see now what catastrophic errors you have made, starting with buying a house that you couldn't afford to spend willy-nilly on, then actually spending that money (particularly on things that won't add value to the house itself, excluding the kitchen) and cashing in investments. That was really really daft. Now you both need to sit down and thrash out a plan that works for you both, whether that's calling it a day marriage-wise and selling the house, or working through your differences and agreeing on compromises. I couldn't say what you should do, but I'll tell you this: I'd live in a shanty town hut with my DH than in a palace without him. Some things are too valuable to put a price on.

Ripping our minging carpets - I know that so well😀Have done it a fair few times! @AnonymousBleep .

It's done now.
So what is your plan to recover your savings situation?
Study and qualify to improve salary?
Get a better paying job?
Work more hours?
Cut costs somehow?

It's not surprising that he has got overwhelmed and pissed off with it all. He has sunk all his savings and safety net into a house he didn't really want and presumably would have settled for less.

Now being the main breadwinner he has to deal with the stress of the stretching mortgage payments and trying to rebuild savings/ deal with any unexpected costs life throws at you. You should've stuck with a house that you could have equally contributed to. Not maxxed yourselves out against the higher wage.

Yeah the whole 'things she didn't know needed doing' - they're always going to find something else that "needs doing."

how on earth do you misjudge renovation costs by 70% on what feel like decorative/cosmetic things easy to price?

I could understand if you unknowingly bought a back to brick but paint, flooring, tiling, wardrobes, beds and kitchen?

Jeez - if you've just been refusing to cut your cloth accordingly id be frustrated too.

Edit: A designer??????

what the fuck, no wonder he's done one. you've gone beserk with a pantone book and spent six figures!

Sort of agree - personally I'd paint it all white and rip out any minging carpets but unless it's structurally unsafe, most work can be done gradually if you're planning on living there and it's not a doer upper for a quick resale.

Fair point. I did my work over the last 3 years and am based 20 miles from London, in a fairly expensive part of the country.

OP said

I got carried away with the house and when designers came to visit they added extra I didn’t know we needed and it slowly went out of control.

it doesn’t look like joint decisions to me.

We did this, yes the house was very dated but functional once we have deep cleaned it,

we had to strip all rooms inc the lat plaster and did it over 5 years

I wish people posting “I spent this amount and got all of this work done” would post when this was and where you are located. If it was 5+ years ago and you’re not in London (OP is), your costs are basically irrelevant here. It’s a known thing that building, decorating, or any trade costs especially in London have risen to ridiculous prices.

I am a writer actually 😂

But what have I said that's untrue? Are you suggesting that the DH has no responsibility for this mess? That he didn't willingly agree to buy a house they couldn't really afford to buy and renovate? That he wasn't involved in employing or in any of the discussions with the designers? If the DH hasn't, at any point in the last few months, sat down and looked at costs vs budget and said, hang on, we can't afford this so the new wardrobes will have to wait a bit, then he's every bit as much to blame as OP.

I do think it depends to some extent on the type of renovation project - e.g dated and not very trendy or uninhabitable. We had an uninhabitable renovation (no working boiler / electrics / floorboards wrecked with damp etc). Living in it wasn’t an option as it just wasn’t fit for human habitation! If OP’s is similar I can see why she’s gone ahead, but given we’ve been talking about beds / wardrobes, I suspect not!

They were in a care home, so the house was very dated and dirty.

Dated and dirty doesn't need designers and £100k plus spent on it.

In my experience of renovating/doing up houses my advice is to live in the house as it is (unless it is dangerous or completely run down and not fit for habitation) for a minimum of six months before starting any work that way you will see what the urgent priorities are and how best to change the house for your benefit.

Dirt can be cleaned.