DH has moved out

It sounds as if you harassed him into buying a house at the very top of your budget and then harassed him into spending more money than you can afford on designer renovations. You now sound more concerned about losing the house than losing your DH. Do you just see him as a cash cow to pay for pretty things, @Passa. It does sound a bit like this from even your own version of events.

I wish OP would come back and clarify the status of the renovations. She says ‘the money has been spent’ so surely the work is done and the house now finished?

In which case, she should focus on her marriage and a plan for rebuilding their/his savings.

If she’s pissed £100k up the wall on designers’ fees and no materials have been bought and no wardrobes built then it’s a different situation entirely.

Fair enough. But even if the DH wasn't present at any of the meetings, the designers and tradesmen will all have provided written estimates, didn't he look at any of them? If, as the higher earner it was mostly 'his' money paying for all this, and he didn't so much as give estimates the once over then a) very bizarre and b) still as much his fault IMO.
Of course there's the possibility that OP lied/lied by omission. But I think more likely the DH went along with it, without checking anything, and now is looking for someone to blame.

Not sure about the 'sectioning' bit because I'm no psychiatrist, but I can pretty well go along with the rest of what you say.

Did either of you study the stock market before he sold them?

For the sake of anyone else seeking to refurbish a house they are not familiar with, NEVER employ professional designers unless you know them.

By their very nature they are spending your money. They have pound signs instead of pupils once they are invited to work. You have to be really rich to employ them.

You can search online for the cost of ANYTHING. If you do that first without the help of a professional designer, then you have a comparison to work from.

She did say that she emotionally manipulated him.

But there is so much info missing it's really hard to help and advise.

Why is he blaming you?

I think he is right to worry. He has realised the enormity of the load he has taken on and cannot face it.

I may be wrong, not knowing your circumstances other than what you have responded, but I rather think I would be inclined to do agree with him. Not sure if I would go as far as to leave home, but perhaps I would if push came to shove and the future is at risk.

How was it that he sold his valuable shares in a company which was doing so well, as he has proved by the rise in shares? They could have gone the opposite way.

Did you both look up the company in Companies House to see how well it was doing before he sold them?

The ultimate price of the house was too high for your circumstances because it is taking all you have to pay for it. You may be able to save £2-300 now, but what when the council tax and bills increase above your income?

what proportion of the deposit and improvement work have you contributed OP? It doesn’t sound much. If I was your DH I’d be looking to buy you out of the property and doing the minimum needed over time to sell it so he can try and recoup what he’s lost. I think he’s realised you are ruining him and is cutting his losses

I really hope the husband is currently busy moving every penny he has left into non-shared accounts. This whole situation sounds nuts.
I really want to know what was going on while the husband was "calling her names" and had moved to the spare bedroom. Was she still spending money on designers and wardrobes at that point? It almost sounds from the first post that the spending is continuing even now he's had to move out to try and stop it.

In my interpretation of this, she's piling it on the credit cards and signing credit agreements that they can't honour, and he's having to cash in savings, pension etc to stop them defaulting and destroying the credit record. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it almost sounds as though the OP needs sectioning to stop her spending money she doesn't have. The bland way she just writes about getting carried away with designers and spending 100k on nothing much even when they've already stretched on the house purchase is almost psychopathic!

I find it difficult to vote one way or the other, because you do not say what the conversation was with you when you viewed the property and decided to buy it and do the refurbishments.

Was the original refurbishment a gradual process, or did you intend to do that before you moved in?

Without clarity, it is difficult to know whether he was right to move out.

You both gave up your futures when he sold his ISA and shares, which means he has less pension to retire on, and that could be a depressing thought. Will you both have to save for a pension another way?

You might find it difficult to downsize when you need to if you have negative equity because you spent more on refurbishments than you intended.

Capital expenditure without being having enough money to keep up with the running costs is not a wise thing to do in the present UK financial crisis.

Could you have kept to the £60K? Did you add another £40K because you had made a mistake, or because you changed your mind and WANTED more done to the house? It makes a difference.

But that's why he's buggered off. They'd spent money on stuff they didn't need and are now broke.

Two things - just because you convince your partner to say OK, it doesn't mean it is - look at their body language.

We did one project 2 years after moving in, but 11 years later we still haven't finished half the things we want to. It's definitely improved, but much of the house has just had a lick of paint. Do it bit by bit.

Withdraw from any elements you can without penalty and show you understand it and will live with it and do bits slowly and you may get him back.

Ok this is insane. We have build a double storey extension with two bathrooms for leas than that. If you need a designer for a refurbishment you should not be buying a project house.

That said, are you sure this is the reason he has gone OP? Sounds like a weird excuse to leave and not sure what he expects to happen.

You sure he’s not having an affair and he’s using this as an excuse to exit?

Sounds like his patience has ran out with your spending i dont blame him for leaving.
It sounds like you want atm not a marriage and its all about high end stuff the name the look etc.

Jeez, some of you need to give your heads a wobble.

The OP's husband has beggared off and you're judging her over what money was spent on.

So many questions! One is how old are you because you seem very young and inexperienced in the big wide world. Secondly, do you want to save your marriage? Thirdly, is the house actually finished now, all work/spend done?

Why on earth would you buy at the top of your budget and not allow enough to renovate (over a period of time) plus contingency? That's head in the sand princess behaviour in my book, like you wanted your perfect home with top of the range fittings all at once, right now or else! Life's not like that unless you're stinking rich I'm afraid. Designer? Well, of course they'll go mad with your money. And did you seriously have no furniture from wherever you lived before that would have done for now or did you live in fully furnished rented? I mean you have to make sensible choices e.g the £150 a roll wallpaper may look fab but will the £25 a roll stuff do for now?

However, this is not just your fault if he said yes/no/yes but he's run away from the problem. Get a valuation done, get a lodger, get marriage counselling, get an extra job but mainly get a grip!

Can you get some extra hours work or some kind of side income to try and rebuild the savings to show you are making an effort. Personally I would apologise and see what I can do to cut monthly costs and bring in some more income - how much do you spend on make up, nights out, subscriptions, taxis etc… do up a budget and cut some of your personal costs - see if you can get a few hours work to even bring in an extra £100 a week - show all this to your partner and apologise profusely!

It does sound like you went too far - an ikea kitchen and wardrobes would make the place look instantly better - £100k is a lot to spend on a refurbishment if you don’t have the money. I suspect it hasn’t added £100k value to the house or have you checked?

If you bought at the top of your budget - why did you do all the work straight away?

We bought a probate property, lived in it for 2 years and did a full reconfiguration, small extension (replacing the conservatory), decorating, new kitchen & bathrooms, underfloor heating put in, electrics, plumbing for £150k, 5 years ago in the south east.

If we were just doing cosmetic stuff, I think it would be about £50k max.

It would be good to know what kind of personalities you both have OP. Is one of you all about labels / designer goods and the other one not that bothered? Just wondered if you were on the same page with finances?

She said he had "regularly resorted to calling me names. He stayed in thr spare room for weeks but finally moved out back to his parents"
That sounded to me like he blamed her, also a lot of pp have said its her fault.

I was just pointing out that there were two of them in that house and he had a role in this too.

new wardrobes, new beds, new flooring and paint

This isn’t refurbishment. It’s just ‘buying new stuff’ 😵‍💫.

Does he have a point? Are you emotionally manipulative? Or is he blaming you because he didn’t keep an eye on costs either?

Both of you have massively fucked up here. Your use of designers is utterly ridiculous on your budget, as is your belief that you needed a new kitchen immediately because yours was dated and dirty. If you haven’t got the cash in the budget, then you scrub it to within an inch of its life and wait until you do have the cash. Why weren’t both of you asking for a breakdown of the bill before giving the ok to go ahead?

You’ve both been spending money you don’t have. But it’s done now, so my suggestion is that you apologise for your part in it and come up with ways to get the money back in the bank. Rent a room or two out to lodgers. Use your living room too if it will bring you in more money. Sell stuff on Vinted (buy from boot fairs and re sell at a profit, if you have to). What do you do for work? Can you apply for promotion? You’re going to need an evening job. Possibly bar work or retail at the weekend as well. 40k is going to take a few years to replace, but it’s doable.

Him moving back to his parents rather than back into your room is not a good sign; I suspect he feels that you’re financially incompatible. Having a plan and being committed to getting as much into the bank as quickly as possible should be your aim if you stand any chance of saving your relationship.

This doesn't make any sense, you just said yourself that you had a new kitchen, utility and structural work for 30k. The OP said they had a new kitchen, new beds, wardrobes and some paint for 100k? She didn't say anything about bathrooms or utility or anything else.

Well more fool him for agreeing to new wardrobes etc. Usually when you move house you accept that you'll be living with old stuff for a few years, save up and get things slowly as you can afford them. You need to share responsibility in this too though op. You should have both talked it through and not risked his company shares etc. I am not surprised he is annoyed bit he should be annoyed with himself too and not taking this out on you.