DH has moved out

Can we criticise anyone for not budgeting properly when this is in the news:

A council has spent £50 million on a “bridge to nowhere” after running out of money to make the connecting road.
Lincolnshire county council has confirmed its latest budget falls short of the estimated cost to complete the planned Spalding Western Relief Road.

Which is why I suggested that it might be cheaper in the long run to by a house which has already been updated. It won't need major work, and decorating can be done as and when. An old house which has seen a lot of life is never easy unless you have won the lottery or something.

Chances are the list price probably doesn't reflect the price the owner paid for the renovations. You cannot always get that back in the selling price.

I would think an updated house a better buy than one which needs completely updating. Present day costs are much higher. The minimum wage has gone up, NI for employers has risen, and it is the small traders who suffer the most.

I think the OP has given many people food for thought, and I credit her with that.

Quotes for new fitted wardrobes can be astronomical. Ikea can still look good and save you thousands. Or if they have old fitted ones, either change the doors or rip them out and look for cheap second hand ones which you can paint. Re the kitchen - again you can save money by getting all the unit bases from IKEA and upgrading the doors if needs be. You need to sit down together and agree a clear and reasonable plan for how you can save money or recoup money, either by doing it up and reselling or doing it up on a budget. The work needs finishing if it's been started.

You have a point. I think it is more than possible that some people on Mumsnet do not really know what a marriage and/or partnership is all about.

On other threads I have been balled out because I suggested that when two people form a partnership - and especially if they have made a family - they cease to be two people and become one when it comes to the future of the family. It was to do with one partner being ill affecting the whole family and if one has health issues and won't see the GP, the other must make them.

Perhaps I am wrong? I got so many protests at that. So many posters insist they are still two people. Of course they are individuals, but they also have to arrange things together, especially when it comes to the future of them and any children they have made.

There are posters on here who rightly say they should have discussed the house together, yet it seems these two are still two separate people deciding for themselves what they want without discussions..

I wonder if people understand what they are letting themselves in for when they form any sort of partnership. They are each responsible for the other.

Why are you trying to renovate the entire house all at once??!! We are renovating our home, but we do what we can, when we can afford it. If costs are spiralling, then you need to look at where you can save money. It's very easy to underestimate costs, and over spend, as you are finding out. Why is your husband blaming you for the costs? Have you been choosing expensive fittings or wanting to do things to the house, that you can't really afford? You and your husband need to sit down and work out together how to save your renovation project, within a reasonable budget. You may need to wait until you have more money before some things can be completed. Your husband moving out isn't going to solve the problem.

Also I have friends that I remember had rooms that remained empty and shut for several years, simply because of finances.

They had expensive taste and they took their time to get what they wanted.

I swear that is why none of our childcare jumped on sofas or wrote on walls and disrespected their homes....the very idea of it.

You respect what you have worked hard to build.

@llizzie the thing is, the house was dated. Not unliveable.

Yes some houses need to be modernised/work done. And it’s expensive and complex. Like yu suddenly realise that the whole electricity wiring needs to be redone NOW (for safety purposes).
But a dated house is a house you can live in.
Wallpaper is something you can do yourself.
Garage or extension doesn’t need to be done just immediately.
You don’t need to buy new sofas, new wardrobes etc…. Just use the ones you already have.
And more importantly, you have quotes and estimates. If it’s over budget, you dint do it and wait. And you review it p/discuss it TOGETHER with your dh. Somethimg the OP clearly hasn’t done.

your budget is crazy, I’ve never spent that much money on renovating a ‘dated’ house. We took our time. Did a lot ourselves. Bought an Ikea kitchen and assembled it. But mainly we did with what we had for a long time. We didn’t have a designer coming in!!

All money you didn’t have.

But more to the point, it’s clear you did that with little consultation with your dh. Just expecting him to somehow magic up some money to cover the cost.

Your issue here is the lack of communication and the lack of respect towards him.
And yes the money has been spent. But you can’t just expect him to accept it and move on. You have a hell of a lot of grovelling to do if you want to save your marriage.

Some people start on the garden at a new place before they know what flowers are already there.

It is a good idea to wait until the plants bloom before digging them up.

I don't know either, and it isn't so in reality. I blame the television programmes who show us fantastic homes magically transformed and give the viewer the idea that it is all cheap and easy.

It is not.

You can look up every job online and see what the average cost of any work you need doing. It will give you an idea of how much you have to spend before buying a property.

If you want to change the wallpaper, make sure you know the cost of each roll you want and estimate the cost a decorator will charge for putting it up.

Sometimes - often even - it is not worth buying a property which needs work. There is always a property somewhere that you can live in while you decide, one where the seller has already made some refurbishment. Chances are they have not costed that into the list price, because it would have made the property to high to sell - as will yours eventually.

You can live in dated, you can get your scruffies on and clean up dirty..

You've gone the whole hog and splashed out on fixing absolutely everything all at the same time, telling yourself you can't possibly live in it until it's PERFECT.

That isn't how most of the world lives - most of us make it liveable - ie, clean up, fix the broken bits - then focus on one project at a time!

We had an excellent carpenter make carcasses of builtin wardrobes, to our design so we had hanging storage etc.
The plain white doors were ordered and hung a year later by the same man.

30 years ago this still cost several thousands but saved us thousands doing it this way and because they were plain and timeless in design, still look great.

We painted the old teak doors white sharpish once the cost of replacing sold doors became apparent....we still have them as they were perfect when painted white...by my husband.

We are very MC professionals and this was very normal in our circle, who bought large older houses that needed huge renovation jobs.

I actually think you make fewer mistakes when you live in a house and do jobs like these over a couple of years.
Likewise landscaping a large old garden. The basics were done by others like clearing the place out of everything dead and dying, new gravel etc., but we did a lot ourselves like new planting, digging out beds etc over a couple of years.

Curtains were another huge expense, putting up new poles throughout the house.
We could have paid a couple of thousand for someone to do this, instead my husband spent two full weeks of evenings after work, putting up new poles throughout the house.

When you work hard for money you don't half value it.

I really hope you can row back on some of these costs and save your marriage.

OP, what is it that you wanted to achieve with your post. Some relationship advice on how to try to salvage your marriage? Because you are totally avoiding that issue. Most people will not tell you that you are blameless and feel sorry for you.

First line made me chuckle! X

You went Grand Designs when it should have been DIY SOS.
My dads a builder, you overpaid and went mental with the refit.
Fitted wardrobes.... insanity.
30k kitchen.. absolute madness.
Doing it all at once.. and not doing anything yourself... the actiona of either a professional house flipper witb contacts in the trades, a very rich person with amillion in the bank or a lunatic.

For me, the elephant in the (newly-decorated) room is still what you want to happen here. You seem fixated on only replying to posts about ££££. But what about your marriage? Do your love your H? Do you want to at least try and put things right?

The OP said he said it, and she didn't deny it. So why not assume it's true?

But isn't the money spent, job done. I thought we were looking at buyers remorse

Come on, get real. Don't pay someone that much to paint your house. Roll up your sleeves and do it yourself!

I honestly don't know anyone who bought their first house and got people in to decorate it. Have a painting party with your friends - great fun, much cheaper and quicker than doing it yourselves.

Tbh, on reflection, I am unsure what the OP is looking for from this thread…?! 🤔

What are your intentions with your marriage? Unless you plan to divorce we can't really help you regarding selling the house and splitting the money etc.

Op... how much of the work is finished.... or whether there is still work to make it 1) habitable.. 2) more comfortable.

There's a distinction there in that habitable means you could still live there and carry on making improvements that might make it easier to sell if that's what you want to do.
Alternatively. if it was finished you might be able to rent it out. For example . Houses round here are in demand, the rents are far higher than the mortgages (or were before Liz Truss) and get rented by companies for overseas employees and its good money and the house will go up in value at the same time. These are often temporary contracts of a year or two.. So you might then have more room for manoeuvre.

It strikes me that your DH has already made poor investment decisions... and now walking out and washing his hands of the house project (which is what it is) ... is about to make another, even more costly, poor decision.

The house you bought together, which has presumably had considerable improvements done to it, is an asset.. even though it may feel like a money pit and it is up to BOTH of you to look at your options to either keep the asset and let it continue to grow in value as you continue to work on it yourselves...
Or decide how to maximise the amount you can now sell it for, or possibly how to minimise the loss..

Talk to estate agents.. ( don't tell them the whole story.. just ask for valuations and say as LITTLE as possible about your own situations.. maybe something like... We've been offered a potential job abroad and we are still thinking about it.. what would renting require and how much would it be worth... This may sound a bit dishonest.. but having been through the mill with estate agents some are great , but some are the sort that you never want to give them the impression that you are desperate to sell.
Do your own research as well.

I understand why you are focusing on the house, rather than the relationship right now.. as its the roof over your head and the most immediate problem. It sounds like you are still in shock and literally trying to work out what to do about what seems like an unconquerable problem. Given that your DH has literally walked out and said its all your mess deal with it.

Your situation is complex, but all you can do now is pick away at it bit by bit. Step by Step. Do your research and try to find options and Don't let him just dismiss every suggestion out of hand because he's angry, or because he feels this is more manipulation. Someone has to be the adult and try to find a way though this.
At some stage he will have to face reality that it is a joint asset and he needs to communicate and co-operate make sensible well thought out logical decisions about how you can both sort it out, rather than make your joint losses even worse.

You're still not responding to poster asking whether you're sorry your marriage has broken down or simply that your cashflow has dried up.

I suspect your husband probably thinks it's the latter.

Who are we to say it is?

Why would anybody make things up?

I don't really understand how you got into this mess. Did you commit to work before discussing payment with him? Did you not add it up as you went along? Was he part of the "design" process or you just handed him the bill after the fact?