DH has moved out

Hand on heart, hands you manipulated him like this before?

You know that he's the one earning most of the money and let things go out of control, without stopping to see where the money was coming from.

He's obviously feeling very resentful now. At the time he moved to the spare bedroom, did you talk to him? Or were you thinking he'll get over it?

How involved was he in talking to the people going the building works and being aware of the costs?

You mentioned things getting out of control and 40k over budget is indeed significant.

Do you need everything doing at once?! We bought an extremely dated house in 2020 and are still doing it up room by room. That's life, you do things gradually when you have the money, our kitchen was teeny and absolutely dated but it had an oven, cupboards etc so we lived with it for 3 years. We're still living with our second hand FB marketplace IKEA wardrobe now. It's a very millennials thing to buy a house and immediately feel the need to rip out everything and get it perfect right away (and I say that as a 33 year old millennial!)

If this is real then I'm feeling some sympathy with him,
You sound strangely emotionless about the whole thing.
And on the one hand are acknowledging he saw you as being emotionally manipulative about the works, yet don't seem to feel any regret or remorse about that. Apologies if you do and it's just not coming through on your posts.

Overspending and over indulgence makes me feel physically sick. I don't know why but that's just how I am, so I would feel similarly to him. And especially if I felt it was my money and I didn't have control over it,

You've also not mentioned if you work and what you're planning to do to try and rectify the situation,

Same here, it doesn’t add up. We’ve just spent £100k, massive loft conversion to our bungalow to include 2 en-suites, 2 dressing grooms. Complete reconfiguration downstairs, every ceiling & wall re plastered,fantastic new kitchen, all new heating, electrics, doors and windows & a new drive!

I think this is really getting to the heart of it. If you get him into marriage counseling, your sense of entitlement over his resources is going to have to be addressed.

Also, the “he earns sooo much more” as an excuse for you to sit back, relax and enjoy the flight.
As things stand this morning, what commitments can you make to him to get everything back in track.

Presumably you knew the budget in advance and yet were not concerned at increasing costs? Many of the items outlined could have waited or you could have gone for cheaper alternatives and upgraded as you could afford. Apologies if I've interpreted your replies incorrectly but you seem to have bulldozed ahead getting your dream home regardless of the cost and ignoring or at least dismissing his concerns.

You need to get a second job, acknowledge your role in what has happened, get support with your spending and budgeting and try and work with him to make things better.

You bought this house around 5 months ago and have already spent £100k in renovations??? 😲

I can only judge the situation from what you have posted here, but it sounds like your decision making and lack of financial forethought have been the main issue.

It's easy to say, with hindsight, that you should have done this or that, but you have to deal with the situation you find yourself in. Which appears to be that DH has reached a point where he can't cope with the spiraling costs you have incurred or trust that you won't incur even more, and has removed himself.

Whether that's a reasonable reaction is another matter, but this is where you are.

What outcome do you want? You sound more concerned about financial loss than the breakdown of your marriage?

Your first move should be to hold your hands up to this, and tell DH you realise you made bad decisions. If he thinks you can't see where you went wrong, then he is not unreasonable in not wanting to sign himself up for a life of paying for stuff you want.

You seem more worried about the house than your marriage. Buying beds are not part of doing a house up. You do the building work painting etc first and budget. Why do you need a new bed etc unless your old one has fallen apart. This doesn't make sense. We done up one house and about to do up our second. We don't have the money at the moment so living with it planning and will budget what we can afford. At the moment a working lawnmower is what we saving for. you need to talk to your husband and stop spending. Can you send anything back etc. if it's all spent the money the house is finished and won't sell at a loss. Yes you have to sell it. Your priority is surely sorting out your marriage.

I think you need to be honest with yourself. If you'd taken on this project yourself, you would have had to rein in your spending because you simply wouldn't have had the money. But you didn't. You weren't sensible. You just saw his savings as yours to blow when you got carried away. I'd have left too, I simply couldn't trust you anymore.

Renovations are hard, budgets run over, but spendy people should be spending with their own money. I know you're married and money should be shared, but it doesn't sound like any of it was a joint decision - HE said you were emotionally manipulative and I think you should listen to that. On some level you strong armed him to finance your dreams of an insta-home and that really isn't fair.

This is bizarre, and I notice that OP is dodging certain questions 🤔

The fact that he wanted to avoid emotional manipulation as he calls it, and being all over the place as you call it, sounds like there’s been really poor communication and boundaries. You show no concern for your partner, just the house. I would hazard a guess that you’re somewhat a perfectionist and wanted all the best things straight away and DH gave in to you to please you but he has now left as he has had enough. I feel for your husband!

Another who thinks yes you need to sort the house, he needs to take responsibility (fed up of men saying women were spending like they didn’t!!!), but what about your relationship? That’s the most important thing- relationship first, house and costs second

He doesn't sound very committed .

Do you use emotional manipulation if things don't go your way? Honestly?

Is there any way you can cancel work and get some money back now? Even if it isn't all of the money?

Sounds like it has all run away from him and he is now having the realisation that he is left with no savings and this house is your dream and not his

How did agree stop agree go?

How much over and for what exactly?

I think may be about lack of agency - not having a say and things happening around him

so the real question is did you emotionally manipulate him?

That doesn’t really answer the question.

It honestly sounds like you just bulldozed ahead and ignored him.

On those occasions when he said "stop", how did you react?

Tbh this does sound as though it’s on you and you’ve just ploughed through his life’s savings regardless
designers , new beds,and wardrobe’s aren’t essentials
I’m puzzled why he didn’t rein you in or did you just spend and then leave him to foot the bill

Reading your update sounds like he didn’t want grief of you if he said no and went for the path of least resistance rather than standing up for himself

in all honesty what would you of been like if he said no and you had to live in the house as is
dated/dirty is fine a good clean and you can still live with it

How much was he involved in the decisions?

You say this was one of the only houses you liked...did you have unrealistic expectations for what you could afford and vetoed things for silly reasons?

Same as "I got carried away"...was he involved in the designs and decisions or does it feel a bit like you have spent his life savings on something he wasn't that bothered about and he'd have rather done cheaper/waited and done the work bit by bit?

If the money has gone, make the place livable, leave him at his parents and get a lodger. Make a budget and a repayment plan over a couple of years. You may well end up divorcing anyway and the value of the house will settle and you can sell up.

You've skirted the question. When you were talking to these designers and they were coming up with numbers much bigger than planned, did he agree to the overspend? Or was he trying to rein it back?

Your OP says a lot. You describe the situation but the only question you pose is will you have to sell the house. Not "what can I do to save my marriage", not "this came out of the blue and I don't know why he left", but if you'll lose money on the house. Yikes.

Did he agree to all this spending? I very much doubt it was necessary to spend 100k all at once 😬

Did he keep saying no and you just went ahead?