DH has moved out

You have been spending money that isn't yours. It does sound as though you bulldozed over him. Now you have to decide whether you want to try to save the marriage. I can't blame him for being really irritated with you.

Dirt can be cleaned, dated can be lived with until there are funds to update.

I have a friend who has been married for 30 years but nearly lost everything over a £150k extension. They got through and are still together. It would seem a bit pointless to split now that the money has been spent and you've put up with the work. Perhaps you could go to counselling and work things out? He's annoyed about the shares, but they got the work done. Once they're sold thats it. There will be other investments. If you have pressured him to spend more than he was comfortable with, then an apology would be a good start.

I’m feeling so sorry for your husband @Passa.

Fuck me, how on earth did you manage to go more than 60% over budget? I don't know whether to be impressed or horrified.

I'm not good with money, and given to impulse buying, but no way would I have been party to such a huge overspend. I feel sorry for the bloke, tbh (unless he was fully in the picture and happily agreed to it all, in which case he's got no right to moan).

When the estimates for redoing my bathroom came in higher than I expected, I sourced the tiles, flooring and cabinetry myself, which reduced the costs by around 20-25%. When it was clear I couldn't get the kitchen I wanted for the money available, I got slightly cheaper units and lower spec oven and hob than I would have liked. And when I had the house rewired, I got 4 quotes and then got 10% knocked off the cheapest.

He should have walked earlier as it’s the one thing that’s finally made you realise how unhappy he was with your splurge at the expense of his savings and future plans.

What are you going to do?

@Passa

was the kitchen the only actual renovation?

how much was that? His big is it?

hos much did the 'designers' cost you & what did they suggest you do that you didn't realise you needed?

Has the work been done on the house now ? If not can you cancel anything ? It sounds like you’ve gone a bit overboard really and I’m not surprised he feels upset about cashing in his savings etc. Do you work full time ? If not then you need to increase your hours to restore some savings.

Having a lot of work to do is stressful so it might be that he just needs a break from it all

Totally off the thread, but are you on 'next door'?

we always have loads of lawnmowers being given away. People putting diwn hard surfaces (😳🥺) or just paying fir services & want the space back in their sheds/garages.

Too late now, but right at the beginning (preferably before you even bought the house) you needed to divide works in to 1. Immediate ie anything that needs to be done to secure the safety and strucutral integrity of the house. 2. As soon as possible - anything that needs to be done to make the hoise liveable - windows, functional kitchen or bathroom items, essential white goods 3. Cosmetic - everything else.

You then look at the budget and disucss how to fund each phase.

When we bought our flat we knew we did not have the bidget for a complete refurb job, so we only offered in places that had functioning kitchens, bathrooms and heating. Wre lived with the cheap grubby white paintwork, the rotting and frayed hall carpet and the disasterous 80s bathroom with the pipework from hell for 2 - 3 ywars while we saves to do the jobs.

The only thing we did immediately was replace the bath taps that were leaking in to the floor and the bedroom skirting boards as the previous owner had taken them exposing some electrical wiring.

Then make your commitment for this saving. Tell him you'll forgo new clothes or expensive products and do your fair share of saving

Those shares, were they his retirement fund? Awful.

All of this. I would have walked out, too.

I was just about the say something similar 🙈

I have a sneaking suspicion the builders saw her coming and added a hefty Sucker Tax.

We moved into a place, did the roof which needed doing. The kitchen was 45 years old but it worked and we really loathe the notion of ripping things out for the sake of it - so incredibly wasteful environmentally, such a naff thing to do - and redid the kitchen 4 years later when the wiring was condemned. We’ve got loads of savings, but then again our bed is over 15 years old. We don’t need a new bed to go with a new house.

I think building costs vary a lot with location and type of property. We were recently quoted over £220k to do a loft extension of 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms etc. it is a listed building though. We’ll leave it for now as from experience building costs go up by at least 50% during the project.

I can see how it would cost that - if you are doing stuff like roof, damp proof, kitchen and bathroom - add in the decorating and any plastering etc we have currently spent around 80k and another 20 or so to go without a new kitchen. The cost is phenomenal if you can't do stuff yourself.

He is being a baby blaming you though he walked into it as well.

He is feeling vulnerable about it all - I would get together somewhere other than the house and try and talk things through - what are you going to do to repair things - rein in other spending and put back the savings.

We started a new business at the same time and its been hell. We have put a pause on anything further for now till we get more stable and the business starts pulling its weight

So you’ve spent the money (via a designer??) to get all the work done - so now the work is being done, yes?

The.surely it’s a case of holding your nerve, letting the work be done as you have paid for it and then you will have a much improved home at the end of it.

I do think you’ve forced him to a degree. And he’s pissed off that his shares have been sunk into this when they would have grown in value if he hadn’t cashed them in. I suspect that it’s the straw that broke his back and he’s decided the relationship wasn’t working for other reasons. The house situation has opened his eyes.

Otherwise, in a healthy relationship, you’d sit down together, laugh about eating beans on toast surrounded by dust and workmen for six months, and look forward to your lives in a beautiful home you created together.

I had a neighbour who in the end had to be told by their advisor to just stop spending because the amount she was spending on the house was never going to be recouped and she was spending like it was going out of fashion. By saying that you got carried away It sounds like your spending was out of control with no realistic idea of how much this was going to cost or where the money was going to come from. With kindness it's difficult for a property you only just bought to need £100k spent just to make it liveable and not realise you didn't have that sort of budget. I'm guessing you either got a massive amount off the asking price if it needed that much spent on it or this was not necessary work. Clearly you're both going to lose a lot of money here but it sounds like he will be losing a lot more including his future financial security from his savings.

How is the house not worth more now? Can you afford to pay the mortgage on your own and pay him half the value of the house?

This sounds frankly horrific.

He should have outright said no to the spend. But he didn't. You should have exercised some self control. But you didn't. It must have been so clearly evident that he did not want to do this by how much he wavered, and it must be really truly shit to see your investments and security blanket gone in the name of new wardrobes and designer fees. What in the name of christ were you getting designers in for?!

You've prioritised having an Instagram house over your marriage. It isn't difficult to understand why he's left.

Sounds great, but did you have…a designer?

He sounds financially savvy so the best thing you could do is chat to him about getting the house in a state to sell and make as small a loss as possible. Then he can put some of it back into investments.

Whether you can salvage your relationship is another matter but I would be focussing on how you can get the house finished and sold for as little as possible as a priority.